Questions from Katie

1. You've finally been able to become a full time novelist (or playwright; whatever you wish!). Only one of your novels/plays wins critical and popular acclaim. Would you rather have that one be your first novel/play, or your last? Why?

Hard one! A conflict between my ego and my... non-ego? Or my ego and my ego? *laughs* But I think in the end I would want it to be my last. Although, if it were my first, I could live a more comfortable lifestyle while writing the rest, which is a serious consideration. But, assuming this is not too relevant to my bank account, and I have a decent source of income either way... then my last. I just hope I would have the stamina to keep writing without any acclaim! And hopefully I wouldn't pen my last work and then die immediately, so I'd have some time to enjoy it. I guess the thing is that I would want to see myself as always progressing and improving as a writer, not peaking right away and never doing anything of note again. I guess it's all ego stuff, though. I mean, in theory what should matter is my own work, the work itself and how I feel about it... though it also matters if other people respond and share what I've done. I guess what it boils down to is that I have to find the strength in myself to do my work because I want to do my work, and let everything that comes with it... success, or not, acclaim, or ridicule, be part of the game of living. Easier said than done, and being said, I'll stick with last, so I could feel like I climbed a mountain and made it to the top, instead of slid down a slide. Except that slides are easier. But I like the view from the mountain. Hehe, I'm not gonna win any prizes for these tossed off analogies, am I? Guess I'll get my wish. ;)

2. What do you think your life would be like if your baby brother had lived, by some miracle, with perfect health? How would you be different? What if he had lived, but with serious health problems?

This is a completely fascinating question. I think about it... not necessarily a lot, but frequently enough, given that it happened when I was three and half. I think that growing up... I always imagined him as a protector, I guess an idealized older brother, even though he would have been younger. I wonder a lot about how we would have related. Would we have allied together against (or at least as a buffer to) our parents? I can see that as an option... I can see us being very close, me and Patrick against the world, even if we didn't always get along. In that version of things he's a confidant, this other part of me that is out doing other things, but always close in spirit, I guess. But I can also see us being radically different. The odds are good, given the situation and family dynamics, that one of us would have been a rebel. I want to say probably him, but who knows? When I don't picture him as my symbiotic sibling, I tend to imagine him like another Pat I knew once... sort of lost and probably on lots of drugs and academically unsuccessful, though smart... and sincere, and deserving of better. Which is interesting, because that Pat was in fact the oldest sibling. And I've seen other examples where it's the oldest sibling that flounders (founders?) the most... my mom's family being a good example. So would I, then, have become more rebellious? Or rebellious at all, let's be honest? I think in some ways it would have been good for me, maybe, knocked a little of the terminal uniqueness out of me. So much of my identity, at least my self-concept and self-presentation, is wrapped up in being one, the one, the only, with all the good and bad that that implies. I think shaped the way I relate in many, many ways. I assume I would still centrally be the same, but the trappings might have been very, very different. I feel like we would have tried to create some balance with each other, and a quadrilateral is never really much like a triangle. But maybe I'm overestimating the whole thing, I don't really know. And I'm very curious about how it would have changed things when my parents split up. Would he have gone to live with my father? Would I? Or would my mother's attachment have been as fierce to both of us? Probably the last, I guess. And would we have visited my father together? Would I have attained the same level of (hard-won) honesty in that relationship? Probably it would have been totally different from all of these things, but it sure makes me think about what is constructed in our identities and what is "real." Is anything? Does it matter?

As to what it would have been like if he were seriously ill... I never considered it before now. So I have less speculation. Except that I'm sure that would have changed me substantially... not only would I be the only top priority (and the only one in the pressure cooker), now, by necessity, I would have been not the top priority at all. I don't know how we would have afforded that... clearly I would have lost whatever monetary opportunities I had, probably including SCC and Beginnings and trips and classes and stuff... I bet I would have formed more solid bonds with friends, dating and such from an earlier age... though it's also possible the opposite would have happened, that I would have retreated more solidly within the walls of my family, and taken on a rather absorbing care-taker role. I mean, it's possible that things would have worked out well for all of us, that it would have been expansive, somehow... but given the relationship between my parents, it seems like this would have been a fairly intolerable situation. Or maybe things would have stayed more sane on the surface. Who knows, but the concept is mostly scary.

I had a dream when I was in Kindergarten, about a cartoon (as in drawn, not stereotypical) African-American family, which I was part of. And we had a baby in the family, and it was accidentally put in the washing machine. (I realized later I had been sitting on the washing machine that day, talking to my father about Patrick). The dream stopped right when we opened the washing machine, and were about to look at its horrific contents.

I often think I was introduced to the concept of death with Patrick, that he made death seem more real to me than to some children. Not in a complete way, though. It makes me think of a story my dad tells, where he and I got on the elevator in the hospital to visit my mom, and somebody, seeing that we were going to the maternity floor, asked if I was going to see a baby brother or a baby sister... "Our baby died," I said. Apparently the ride was very quiet after that. It's an awful story, but it's also hilarious. At least to me. Imagining my chirping little child voice piping up with such a terrible sentence, but one that seemed reasonable and informative to me.

I was always fascinated by him. I never saw him. I don't think I was taken to the funeral; they decided I was too young. And there are no pictures. At some point in my childhood, pretty early I would guess, I was looking at a photo album with all my baby pictures. And I pointed to a blank spot and said, "That's for Patrick." My mom explained that there weren't any pictures of Patrick. And I looked at her like she was missing the point and said, "Make a picture with your mind."

I also, once, was in my room alone, much older, and thinking about Patrick. And I imagined that he was with me, and we were dancing together. Waltzing, I think. He was teaching me to dance. I liked that very much.

I guess another question would be, how would my life have been different if he'd never existed at all... because, oddly, that too would have made a difference in my concept of myself and of others.

I guess I just made a picture with my mind.

3. A strange irreversible affliction overcomes you! Would you rather become color-blind, or tone-deaf? Why?

Color-blind, I think, because I could still see beautiful things, I just wouldn't be positive if they were red or green or whatever. Not that such a thing would be irrelevant, or easy, but I love to sing and I am pleased to have a good voice, and those things would be lost to me if I was tone-deaf.

4. You've finally gotten into Narnia. Who do you want to meet first?

I don't know if I covered this in answering Alex's questions, at all... but I'm going to answer without checking. :) Mr. Tumnus, just because he is the first Narnian we ever meet. Or Aslan, because he's Aslan. Or... but if I keep on I will name them all. (Or Lucy or Edmund now I will stop).

5. As you may have noticed, the cow is now stalking you online! How do you get rid of it?

MOO-BE-GONE! (I've sprayed my blog with a liberal amount. If it doesn't work, I'll have to think of a new strategy.)