My Valentine, In Fact, Is In All Ways Better Than The Aforementioned.

I was taught, never brag or shout,
still it's hot, just like how you read about,
and also caring, and never too uncouth,
that's the simple truth.

Can you tell, I have been revised?
It's so swell, dammit, even I'm surprised.
We laugh, we fumble, we take it day by day...
What more can I say?

--William Finn


Happy Valentine's Day, darling.

Lured on by the Promise of Ultimate Fun-ness.

** Ultimately Fun Long Survey! [Tons of Questions] **
... Basic Questions
First Name?:	Rebecca
Middle Name?:	Lynne
Age?:	23
Birthday?:	4/20/82
Where do you live?:	Philadelphia, where it is hot as hell, but not right now.
Where were you born?:	Syracuse, where it is GOOD MORNING BRUTAL cold, but not right now.
Who do you live with?:	Rachel, who is wonderful, right now too.
How many siblings do you have?:	When I was three and a half, my mom had a baby with no kidneys, who died that same day. See the questions from Katie for more on this.
Pets?:	None since Eustace, may he Rest in Adventure.
Grade at school?:	Nope.
Where do you go to school?:	Nope.
Hair color?:	Brown... maybe some burgundy left, but I don't think it's noticeable.
Hair style?:	Medium-short with layers. But I need a haircut right now.
Eye color?:	Very dark brown.
Ethnic background?:	Italian, Irish, German, Scottish.
Do you play any sports?:	Absolutely not.
If so, which ones?:	I did go to soccer camp for one day once. AND I kept up. It was the most exhausting, sweaty experience of my life. Really quite unique.
Do you play any instruments?:	I used to play flute.
If so, which ones?:	Getting ahead of ourselves, are we?
Height?:	5'2" and perhaps some change.
Weight?:	Ooh... well, I have been meaning to be honest about this, since I am sick of people thinking 11o lbs is in fact a reasonable weight for most women. So, in the interest of that, I'm hovering somewhere around 145 lbs. I do hope it goes down soon, but not to 110. Ever, really. :)
Do you look like anyone famous?:	I've been told the girl who played Blossom and Alanis Morissette, but I didn't really think either one was correct.
Any nicknames?:	Becky. Others, but they haven't been used in awhile. Like Bacon and Dove.
Do you like your name?:	I do. Especially my full name, with lots of double letters.
If you could change it, what would you want it to be?:	Uh-oh.
Any talents?:	Nope, I'm dull as paint.
Do you have a cell phone?:	I'm trying, dammit.
If so, which kind?:	The kind where they don't understand what you want at the store when you go to get it put in your name.
What is your ringtone?:	When I was in Spain, I had the can-can for text messages. Everyone hated it. Then my phone was attacked by a Portuguese wave. I got a new one. No can-can. Cristina actually composed it for me on the phone. Cristina is marvelous and wonderful.
... Some of your favorite things
Movie?:	Most Recently Watched (easier than favorite)-- Syriana.
TV Show?:	Star Trek: Deep Space Nine is MRW, and also probably favorite, if I absolutely had to pick just one.
Actress?:	Ummmmmm... I like Kate Winslet a lot. And Susan Sarandon is always good. And Laura Linney.
Actor?:	Um... Alan Rickman? Geofferey Rush? Phillip Seymour Hoffman?
Comedy movie?:	The Birdcage, perhaps, for sheer durability. I like Robin Williams and Nathan Lane too, while we're talking actors.
Romantic movie?:	Hrm. While You Were Sleeping remains a favorite. Sense and Sensibility is always nice, too. There are sexier ones, but for some reason they aren't coming to mind. Oh, I liked Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind a lot.
Historical movie?:	Anne of Green Gables. :)
Music Genre?:	Oh, I don't know. Musicals and soundtracks.
Band?:	UPA Dance! Gogol Bordello! *chuckles*
Singer?:	Always a fan of Paula Cole, and earlier Jewel stuff, and Seal... for actual sound of singing I like Sarah Brightman, and I'm nostalgic about Pavarotti.
Song of all time?:	How am I supposed to have one favorite song of all time? That seems a bit much.
Dance song?:	Me siento bien, by UPA Dance. Well, it's the first thing that came to mind.
Rap song?:	Psalm 51
Pop song?:	Um... see above re. singer, maybe? I don't know.
Country song?:	That Friends in Low Places one is pretty good. And I know it.
R&B song?:	Honestly don't know.
Store [non-clothing]?:	I like Ten Thousand Villages lots. And Garland of Letters. And the Last Word.
Store [clothing]?:	Um... I don't know. At home, I like Charlotte Russe and Fashion Bug. Apparently I don't shop for clothes in Philly. Daffy's seemed neat and cheap.
Clothing brand?:	If I don't even know what my favorite store is...
Couture designer?:	Ha.
Outfit to wear?:	Lately, I've been getting a lot of wear out of my red tailcoatesque pant suit. It's very fancy and very comfy and apparently attractive, so that's three for three. And it's red, just for a bonus.
Underwear?:	Clean and without holes.
Shoes?:	My coolest shoes are my brown and teal boots. My most comfy are my sneakers. Or my winter boots, but they're getting pretty shabby.
Shoe brand?:	Right. New Balance fits my foot, how about that?
Place to go?:	Hell.
Vacation spot?:	Stratford, Ontario.
City?:	Sevilla :)
Animal?:	Bunny. Or lion. Or snake. But probably bunny, because Fluffer was first of all.
Candy?:	Turtles.
Food?:	I like Italian food most of all, usually. Also lobster.
Holiday?:	We just had Christmas, so I'm into it. Also love Easter. And sometimes my birthday.
Month?:	I don't know. April, for my birthday? Maybe?
Car?:	Red or purple.
Thing to do on the weekend?:	Have ridiculous amounts of fun with friends.
Sport to watch?:	Not golf! Maybe figure skating. But actually I don't mind watching most sports, at least not live.
Sport to play?:	None, really. I kinda liked very informal not on skates gym hockey.
Subject in school?:	English.
Book?:	I truly don't know. My standard have to pick one used to be Winter of Fire, but I haven't read that in years. The Winter Prince is still a winner... but there are so many more it seems unfair. And what about Last Report, and Kiss of the Fur Queen, and A Prayer for Owen Meany... let's go back to Most Recently Read: Cinema Nirvana, a truly amazing and wonderful book about dharma practice and the movies!
Author?:	Still love Madeline L'Engle, L.M. Montgomery, C.S. Lewis, etc. But that list, too, is always growing. Let's add John Irving and Michael Cunningham... who I MET!
Color?:	Red. As it was in the beginning, is now, and... well, we'll see, but I bet.
Cartoon?:	Uh, Sinfest, online. I really like that weird one in the City Paper too, but if I can't remember the name, that's not going anywhere. Peanuts is always a favorite. B.C. is often cute.
Artist?:	I was always a fan of Eli Thomas, though that is some time ago.
Disney movie?:	Beauty and the Beast.
Disney princess? (haha):	What is this haha for? Belle, correspondingly.
Quote?:	Is there anything I haven't already quoted in here? "I want to know God's thoughts... the rest are details." --Albert Einstein.
Inspirational figure?:	Drawing on recent inspiration... two Helens, Sr. Helen Prejean, and Helen Keller.
Era in time?:	Um... Middle Ages are always interesting, though I wouldn't want to live there. Hehe, what if I said prehistory? That would be interesting...
... Time for a small break... LIST THINGS
--> 10 Things you can't live without
10]:	Air
9]:	Water
8]:	Food
7]:	Sleep
6]:	Ants
5]:	Balloons
4]:	Love
3]:	Books
2]:	Friends
1]:	Delight
--> 9 Songs That Describe your life
9]:	Tiger by Paula Cole
8]:	Stranger by Jewel
7]:	Stranger by Billy Joel
6]:	Only the Good Die Young by Billy Joel
5]:	River of Dreams by Billy Joel
4]:	Lots of Rumi
3]:	Barcelona by Jewel
2]:	Love's Divine by Seal
1]:	Moonlight Sonata by Beethoven
--> 8 Of Your Favorite Songs
8]:	Movie in my Mind from Miss Saigon
7]:	Phantom of the Opera from ???
6]:	A Breakfast Over Sugar from In Trousers
5]:	Most everything from Falsettos, even though that's cheating
4]:	Lullabye for Cain from The Talented Mr. Ripley
3]:	My Funny Valentine in any version I've ever heard
2]:	Leningrad by Billy Joel
1]:	Iron Spy by... I lost the name. They came on a CD I got from Alfred College as part of their (creative and flattering!) recruitment of me. Bryn Mawr won with less effort, in fact, but I still love the CD.
--> 7 Of Your Best Friends
7]:	I started wondering how many close friends I really have, so instead of complying with this, I'm going to try and list them all.
6]:	Lilah and Charlotte
5]:	Maddie and Chelsea and Julia
4]:	Crista and Alex and Katie R.
3]:	Nathaniel and Bekah and Liz
2]:	Elizabeth and Cristina, and Amy too, even though I rarely see them.
1]:	Rachel and Katie and Kirstin. 17. I think that about covers all the people I'm currently close to and in some kind of touch with. Interesting.
--> 6 Things You Always Wear
6]:	Underwear
5]:	Bra
4]:	Shoes
3]:	This is supposed to be more exciting, huh? My class ring.
2]:	Recently, my lovely new necklace from Rachel
1]:	My watch, a gift from my mom.
--> 5 Of Your Favorite Movies
5]:	Didn't we do this already? Let me try not to repeat myself. And just say whatever comes to mind, like: Beauty and the Beast.
4]:	Gods and Monsters.
3]:	L'Auberge Espanol.... however it's spelled.
2]:	The King and I
1]:	Dogma
--> 4 Things You Could Always Eat
4]:	Ice Cream! Especially mint chocolate chip.
3]:	Always ready to eat spaghetti.
2]:	Cheese
1]:	Some kind of vegetable... like peppers or broccoli or mushrooms or onions.
--> 3 Things You'd Do With A Trillion Dollars
3]:	A Trillion Dollars! My God... Buy 10 theaters for Uncut Pages.
2]:	Stabilize the economy of several small countries... but, seriously, give to charity. Or maybe establish my own!
1]:	Buy Super Sexy Fantasy Bras for all 17 of my close friends.
--> 2 Of Your Goals
2]:	Have something published. As in, a book.
1]:	Have fun more times than not.
--> The Most Important Thing To you
1]:	What a question! I guess my own growth, and connection with those around me.
** A little bout your love life
Are you single?:	Yes. *chuckles* I think it's such a funny phrase, actually. I always want to say I'm double.
If not, who are you dating?:	No one.
Sexual preference?:	I prefer men. A preference, not a rule.
IF you aren't single, how long have you been takent?:	Taken, another bizarre and interesting way to put it.
How many boy/girlfriends have you had?:	Oh, we're getting down to brass tacks, are we? I usually avoid this question, because I've had none.
Have you kissed the same sex?:	Not really in a sexual way.
Have you kissed the opposite sex?:	Yes.
Are you a virgin?:	Yes.
How far have you gone with the opposite sex?:	Not as far as I would like to go. To be coy about it. Which means you've probably gone farther.
How far have you gone with the same sex?:	Nowhere, really.
Most romantic memory?:	Most romantic memory... that's interesting. I remember the love poem written to me in the 6th grade... and my first dance and first kiss... both in 9th grade or thereabouts, but not connected.
Where would you want to be taken on a date?:	The moon. Or the Ritz movie theater or a play.
Best romantic gift you've ever gotten?:	Probably the love poem, whether that's sad or not.
Roses or chocolates?:	Roses.
Worst ex?:	Doesn't apply.
Best ex?:	See worst ex.
** Some time for snobbery - Brag bout yourself!
Do you have a cell?:	This is bragging? I'm working on it.
What kind? (even though we asked before!):	Whatever Chelsea sent me.
Do you have a computer?:	Her name is Betty.
What kind?:	Compaq... I don't get this, why is this bragging? I didn't do anything exciting to get my computer.
Most expensive pants?:	Um........... No idea. I try not to pay more than $20 or so, but I probably have some that are more like $30 or $40. Like those purply ones with the bells on. But my mom bought those for me, a couple of years ago.
Most expensive purse?:	God, I hope not more than $10.
Most expensive shirt?:	What is this? $40, actually, I remember that one.
Do you drive?:	Sadly, no.
What kind of car do you have?:	None, but that I'm ok with, here in the city.
Are you smart?:	HA! Something I can actually brag about. Yeah, you bet I'm smart.
What kind of grades do you have?:	Oh, honor code forbids... but I guess I've graduated now. On the high end of magna cum laude. Wow, bragging feels weird.
What cool electronics do you have?:	I have mechanical animals...
Do you have an MP3 player?:	Nope.
What kind?:	None.
** Random questions
What's your screen name?:	BeckyF342
What was your first sn ever?:	I got one in college, let's not get carried away. Same as now.
Do you use AIM, MSN or yahoo?:	AIM, mostly.
How many kids do you want to have someday?:	Probably one or two, but maybe more. Or none. I'm not clear on that at all.
What would you name them?:	I have a lot of favorite boy's names, like Peter and Andrew and Paul and David.... girl's names are harder, though I always thought Joy would be neat. Or something pretty and elaborate. Lately I've been into Rivka as a name, but maybe that's too close to Rebecca...
Do you want to get married?:	Possibly. Sometimes I fantasize about it, but it seems like a very distant thing. We'll see.
Where do you want to live?:	I don't know. Really. Probably still somewhere on the east coast. Beyond that... ?
What do you want to study in college?:	For college, read grad school: English, Comp. Lit., and/or Theology.
Do you do drugs?:	I do not.
Worst drug you've ever done?:	*chuckles* Over the counter painkillers.
Do you drink?:	I do. Moderately.
Do you smoke?:	I do not.
Best concert you've been to?:	Gogol Bordello! :)
Trademark saying of yours?:	Oh dear God, what have you done?
Favorite quote ever?:	I swear we had this before.
Do you like to dance?:	I do.
Color you think you look best in?:	Well, I do like my favorite red, but I also look good in green and purple and brown, I think.
If you could dye your hair any color, what would it be?:	I always thought it would be kind of cool to have one tiny braid in gold or silver.
Any piercings?:	Uh-huh.
If so, where?:	Ears.
How many?:	One for each ear.
Any tatoos?:	Uh-uh.
Where & What?:	Nowhere and none.
If you dont have any, do you want a tatoo?:	I think about it decently often, but I can't settle on anything.
What kind?:	Lately, I've wanted a snake near my hipbone on one side, and a tiny lizard on the other, and maybe a bird somewhere too. I also really like the idea of doing a lamppost with the Bryn Mawr lantern on top, and a sort of abstract girl looking up at it, but I couldn't decide where to put that.
Do you like to party?:	*chuckles* Oh, do I?
Do you have any video game systems?:	Nope.
Favorite video game?:	Uhhhhhhhh... I like Arcane on the computer.
How many DVDFs do you own?:	What is a DVDF?
Do you own any TV seasons on DVD/:	Yes!
If so, which ones?:	I just got the first three seasons of the West Wing for Christmas.
What's the first pet you ever had?:	Sparky! A lovely goldfish who grew and grew and finally jumped out of his bowl on Easter, which was weird.
Favorite grade in school?:	Oh.... I don't know, really. I liked 2nd grade a lot. And 4th and 5th... and 6th... and 12th. *laughs*
Most missed memory?:	For some reason I don't understand this question.
** This or That?
Britney Spears Pre-KevFed or Britney Federline?:	WHAT?
Xtina or Britney?:	Please.
Jessica Simpson drama or Angelina/Jennifer drama?:	Oh my God.
New BSB or Old BSB?:	What does this mean?
Movies at home or movies in the theater?:	Ok, back in the realm of comprehension. Both, please. But I do love going to the theater, it's fun and big and communal and exciting.
Popcorn or candy?:	Candy. But at the movies, popcorn. Except really, nothing, because it would use up too much of my trillion dollar budget.
Seven for all mankind or Diesel?:	Excuse me?
True Religion or Citizens for Humanity?:	Am I in Hell or just crazy?
East coast or west coast?:	East, I've always lived here.
Snow or rain?:	Snow, I've always lived here. :)
Summer or winter?:	I don't know... Winter gets tricky and long, but summer is often too hot.
Fall or spring?:	Oh, I like them both! Spring for my birthday?
Christmas or Valentine's Day?:	Christmas! What kind of question is that.
Audi or BMW?:	I don't know.
Porsche or Lexus?:	I like the sound of Porshe better.
Range Rover or Rolls Royce?:	Rolls Royce, I like glamor.
Clubs or bars?:	Gay clubs and smokeless bars, please.
Breakfast or dinner?:	I'm hungry.
Pizza or french fries?:	Pizza.
McDonalds or Wendys?:	Wendy's.
Cell phones or pagers?:	Cell phones, if necessary.
Lacoste polos or Ralph Lauren polos?:	Oh, Jesus Christ! Lacoste has the alligator, no? I'll go with that.
Makeup or no makeup?:	None, unless I want to be fancy and play. Or unless you're a sexy boy.
Shots or beer?:	Shots.
Cats or dogs?:	Cats, but dogs are nice too.
Rap or rock?:	Rock.
MP3s or radio stations?:	What? I don't really listen to either, but... radio stations.
Kissing or cuddling?:	This is getting ridiculous. Cuddling, at the moment.
Pink or orange?:	ORANGE!
Red or yellow?:	Red.
Green or blue?:	Oh, I can't pick that! :)
Going to the beach or swimming in a pool?:	Beach, please, but pools are good too.
**Describe your First Times...
First time having sex?:	Haven't.
Where & when?:	It seems we've stood and talked like this before...
First time drinking?:	I'm trying to really remember this... I think my first time having a whole drink all myself and finishing it was in Spain, that glass of sherry at the sherry factory that was extremely yummy. I'm not positive, because I'd had sips and stuff before then. But I think that was the first drink all for me.
First time smoking?:	Haven't.
First party?:	Is party being used as a code, or something? I mean, I don't know, I was probably an infant, if not.
First best friend?:	Well, I decided this girl who I thought was a boy named Charlotte was my best friend in Kindergarten, because I'd read about them in books, and thought I should have one. I think my first real best friend was probably Lauren, though I didn't know it at the time. My first official best friend with a necklace was Danielle. My last best friend with a necklace was Dannah, and we swore vows and everything. I miss her. But I have wonderful best friends now, too.
First movie seen?:	How am I supposed to know?
First date?:	I get a little confused about this, because I had a datelike thing to a play, but we never called it a date, and maybe it was just wishful thinking on my part... but that was in high school, maybe sometime sophomore year? And then I had a date for the Ball, though it was not intended romantically. But if we're going to be absolutely certain, I guess it was last year, with this Italian guy I picked up in Rittenhouse Square.
First kiss?:	I was... 14, I think, and at a party. I've told this story before, I think in another survey in this very blog. But we--or, they, I was too nervous--were playing spin-the-bottle, and this strange, troubled, desireable boy spun, and it pointed at me, even though I wasn't in the circle, and he crouched there like a cat, and sprang across the circle and touched his lips to mine... and it was a sudden, small spark of energy between us, and I was very relieved to have gotten kissed before I turned 16, which for some reason was this big deal in my head.
First cell phone?:	In Spain.
First CD bought?:	Um... I think it was Amy Grant, whatever came out about the time I was 16.
First crush?:	Bobby Clifford, in 5th grade.
First boyfriend/girlfriend?:	We discussed this; no need to rub it in.
First party?:	What the hell?
** Wrapping it all up...
What time is it?:	11:39 AM
How long have you been doing this?:	Too damn long.
Do you like taking surveys?:	You know, I do, even though they frustrate the hell out of me. I think I like the chance to be snarky.
Any final thoughts?:	I wonder if I'll find a better one on the survey site.
Take this survey | Find more surveys You've been totally Bzoink*d

Five Questions From Alex

Alex, your questions are fascinating, but rather hard! I have done my best:

1. Name one skill or talent you always wish you had developed more fully or pursued. What do you think kept you from following this path?

Well... it's hard to say, really, because there aren't a lot of talents I'm aware of that I haven't pursued at all. I would say singing, since it's been a couple of years since I really sang with any official regularity, though I hope to get back into that again soon. It's funny, because I do notice the lack of singing, but it's something other people point out to me more. Like at Thanksgiving, Skip (my mom's friend's husband) told me he had always imagined me pursuing a musical career, and then my dad asked, "What about your music, your singing?" as we were talking about various developments and pursuits in my life. I think I also wish I had time/space/inclination at the time to have studied more history in college. I still really like history but I feel that my education in it has been completely cut off. I think that in terms of the singing, I was never certain that I loved it enough to pursue it to the exclusion of other activities, and in college it became hard to be as pluralistic as I had been in high school. Now, I am nervous that I will not find a group that I am trained enough for, or that I will have to sight read or do something scary... but mostly I hope that soon I find a good singing group and the time to do it. In terms of history, it was simply a matter of where my coursework led me at the time. One thing I sort of hate about higher education is that you get more and more specialized the higher you go, so in some ways you learn less.


2. [ Alright, this isn't particularly creative, but it's a question I tend to ask people] Would you rather wake up one morning and find yourself deaf or blind? Why?

This is quite difficult, but I think deaf. Simply because I think it would be harder to navigate the world without my vision, and also because I couldn't read without it, and whatever misfortune befell me, I'm sure that reading would help me cope with it. Also, (sorry, this is trite), while God forbid I should ever have to use it exclusively, I have become rather enamored of finger-spelling as of late.

3. You've found yourself suddenly transported to a space ship where you are confronted by a group of aliens who have just decided that Earth must go. You are given the chance to give them, show them, or tell them about 3 things to try to convince them to do otherwise-- what do you choose?

This is the hardest one, and I've saved it for last. So hard, Alex! But a really great question.

1. The most colorful, fragrant, interesting flowers I can find.
2. I would show them a baby, and (assuming this terrible task gives me a certain omniscience) tell them the entire history of the baby's ancestry and all the people who have in some way gone into creating this baby, good and bad and indifferent, and also the complete mystery of the baby's future life.
3. I would tell the story of a war or other horrible event, with all the good and evil wrapped up together like lovers... the terrible acts and the selfless ones... I don't think it would be fair to not be honest, and I would like to think this would in truth be a strong argument to let us continue trying.
4. I know I don't get a fourth, but I really want to sing a song. Maybe I could make one of my stories an opera? Or wrap a lullaby into the baby thing?

Wow, this is making me so nervous. I hope my choices could save the world....

4. You get to spend a week in any fictional place (it can be from any source--tv/movie/books/comics/myths/etc) where do you choose and why? [if you feel so inclined you can get into what you would do there/who you would want to meet and so on)

Considering that I used to stand under lampposts in hope, I would have to pick Narnia. And I suppose I would most want to meet Mr. Tumnus (is that spelled right?) and Reepicheep and Puddleglum. Well... and Aslan, certainly. Wow, as unlikely as this is, I'm getting all excited about it. Oh, the why is basically because it is the first fantasy world I really inhabited in my imagination, and it is so... formative, to me. The experiences I've had of Narnia have colored the way I view a lot of things. Sort of in terms of ideas, but even more in terms of atmosphere... every single time I have gone abroad there has been something that related back to Narnia. When I am in tunnels or caves I chant to myself, "Many sink down to the underworld, but few return to the sunlit lands." I had to try Turkish Delight when I finally found it in a candy store. I named my lizard Eustace Clarence Scrubb. My knowledge of mythical creatures is heavily Narnian. I know why the wardrobe worked. And every time I see a real wardrobe, I remember that it would be very foolish to shut myself inside... but I also have to feel the back to make sure. I learned what single combat and treachery are because of their presence in the books. And whenever I imagine a hell I can imagine (as in, not the vengence of an angry God), it is really the non-vision of a circle of hungry dwarves. This is not really a description of what I would do in Narnia so much as a hymn to my love of the stories... but it's hard to say what I would do. Aside from retrace the steps of my friends... I think I would like to see what Father Christmas would give me, if given the chance. And of course I would want to go to Caer Paravel. But mostly I would want a real adventure... with companions and purpose and danger and everything... whatever the Lion would send me! ;)

5. Is there a piece of art/literature/music that you feel draws a gut level response or reaction from you no matter how many times you see it (or read it, or hear it)? What is it and what is the reaction?

I don't know if this is literally every time, but I definitely cried the first several times I heard Leningrad by Billy Joel. Something about the message of universality made through such specific imagery, and maybe the fact that I could concretely connect the historical events he describes in that song to my parents... but it totally hit me, in this very visceral way. I think because it seemed so sad and real the way that we cut ourselves off from each other according to the political/national "enemies" that we are supposed to have... and actually kill for that... but the differences we die for are not as real as the similarities. I'm not sure that says what I want it to say, but the song is really something. I can think of very few songs that have ever made me cry, even ones I care a lot about, or I think are very beautiful. In fact, that might be the only one that actually did, as opposed to just choking me up or something.

I want to say "Six Apologies, Lord," by Olena Kalytiak Davis because I just worked real hard to find it, but I'm not sure it makes quite such a strong impression on me this time around. It's still a really wonderful and fascinating poem, though, so here you go:


I Have Loved My Horrible Self, Lord.
I Rose, Lord, And I Rose, Lord, And I,
Dropt. Your Requirements, Lord. 'Spite Your Requirements, Lord,
I Have Loved The Low Voltage Of The Moon, Lord,
Until There Was No Moon Intensity Left, Lord, No Moon Intensity Left
For You, Lord. I Have Loved The Frivolous, The Fleeting, The Frightful
Clouds. Lord, I Have Loved Clouds! Do Not Forgive Me, Do Not
Forgive Me LordandLover, HarborandMaster, GuardianandBread, Do Not.
Hold Me, Lord, O, Hold Me

Accountable, Lord. I Am
Accountable. Lord.

Lord It Over Me,
Lord It Over Me, Lord. Feed Me

Hope, Lord. Feed Me
Hope, Lord, Or Break My Teeth.

Break My Teeth, Sir,

In This My Mouth.

Well, after reading it over a few times, it seems to still have a strong pull for me, so good. In that vein, the "Batter my heart, three-personed God," sonnet of John Donne's is always impactful. I think I always love the combination of somewhat helpless faith and defiance and submission... in a way. Reminds me of this homily I just heard where the priest compared everyone to sheep or goats. And I was like, um, I'm definitely a goat, but that doesn't mean I don't believe in God... I really didn't care for him.

Mmm, and jumping back to music, the Moonlight Sonata always takes me on a journey through mystery, darkness, and hope... such beautiful, meaningful sounds.

I'm going on and on here, aren't I? But I'm not ready to stop. Let me add: The Winter Prince by Elizabeth Wein, because it is always incredibly beautiful and captivating to me, and in a way that apparently is particular to me, which I think is interesting.

And finally, for visual art... that one in the Philadelphia art museum with the soldiers all photographed rather grotesquely always shocks/fascinates me. Likewise the one where you have to look through a little peephole in the wooden gate. And that picture of the two girls... I never remember the name or anything, but Rachel will...

Five Questions From Rachel

All right, here are my answers:

1. If you had to choose one food that you like a lot now but would suddenly dislike, what would it be? Why?

I would pick... um... that's hard, I like foods I like! Maybe I would pick peanut butter so I wouldn't have to sneak it around Julia anymore. ;) Or... onions, because a lot of people don't like onions and therefore don't want onions in their food and it would make things easier when cooking in a group? Actually, maybe I would pick meat. Then I wouldn't have to worry about participating in cruelty to animals, and I'd probably eat healthier. But I would have to worry about getting enough protein. Ok, that's about 25 answers, so let's move on.

2. If you had to pick only one author whom you admire to meet in person, who would it be and why? If you had to pick one author whom you admire that you would be forever unable to meet, who would it be and why?

Only one to meet... Maybe Madeleine L'Engle, because, out of living authors, she's probably influenced my thinking the most, and from the earliest age, and I do truly admire her. Only one to forever be unable to meet... I think Armistead Maupin, not because I don't want to meet him, but because if I really did travel on the bus with him from NYC to Philly without seeing him, I sort of think it would be interesting and ironic if I continued to have near-miss encounters all the time. Also it sounds like something he might write about.

3. What is your strongest sense memory other than sight? If you get really into it, pick a different memory for each sense.

Touch: I remember holding your hand, Rachel, that night at the health center, and the way your bones felt against mine.

Smell: I remember fall smells, the leaves, the crispness of the air, the smell of snow coming. (I know, these are current smells, but I do remember them.)

Sound: I remember the thrill of playing the Phantom of the Opera really, really loudly in middle/early high school. How it echoed in my mind and my pubescing body.

Taste: I remember my Uncle Alan suddenly sticking a pickle in my mouth at this restaurant we went to after seeing Antz. I remember the sour suddenness of the pickle and the feel of his big, brown finger against my lips.



4. If you were placed under a spell that caused you to be turned into a marine animal every full moon, what animal would you pick and why?

I think I would be a walrus, because then I would be big and tough and I could survive out of the water and in the cold and stuff. I don't know if that's really a good choice. It just came to me.

5. If you had to have one sexual partner for the rest of your life, and said partner had one fetish, what fetish would you most want them to have? What fetish would you never put up with? Just answer the latter if the former is too personal for a blog.

Ok, let's assume that this fetish is not exclusive; that is, while they really like it, they do not require it to get off. Said assumption made... the safe answer for number one is a foot fetish, because I love to have my feet rubbed and touched and generally paid attention to. What's the dangerous answer? I wouldn't necessarily be against some power play, as long as it wasn't exclusive, out of control, or used out of the bedroom. Ooh, wait, I have another one. Cross dressing. I would totally be into cross-dressing, by either one of us, for fun or profit. Well, maybe not profit, but you know. Number two... well, there are lots, but let's elimiate illegal/immoral (pedophilia, bestiality) and unsanitary (anything scatological). All right, that being said, I WOULD NOT TOLERATE: all that amputation crap, absolutely not, nor that feeding bullshit. There is my very intolerant attitude about that.

I Know These Are MUCH More Interesting To Me Than To Anyone Else, but You Can Take it Too.

Found this in Nathaniel's Blog.

Two Names You Go By
1. Becky
2. James

Two Parts of Your Heritage
1. Irish Catholic
2. German Lutheran (I feel like my mom would be sad if I didn't also say Italian even though it didn't fit in with the contrast-making!)

Two Things That Scare You
1.Being attacked by people I pass outside at night, mostly men.
2. That I'm going to suddenly go irrevocably and cosmically wrong with my life path, and therefore sacrifice all happiness and acheivement forever.


Two of Your Everyday Essentials

1. A satisfying lunch
2. A little time to read

Two Things You Are Wearing Right Now
1. Cool brown and blue suede boots with manageable heels. (Arguably the most attractive and stylish footwear that I own, being that I own very little.)
2. Brown skirt that is tighter than it used to be, which fact I am not fond of.

Two of Your Favorite Bands or Musical Artists
1. Gogol Bordello! Gypsy punk!
2. William Finn (not really a band or a musical artists, but related to music and a favorite)

Two Things You Want in a Relationship
1. A place for my spirit to be free and my imagination to be fed.
2. Sex-- at the right time and in the right way and when I'm sure it's a good idea... but also with a sort of wanton and consuming passion. Hmm.

Two Truths
1. The world can be incredibly frightening, dangerous, and savage. Which sometimes I believe, and sometimes I don't.
2. To (perhaps quote, perhaps paraphrase) Julian of Norwich: All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well. Which sometimes I believe, and sometimes I don't.

Two of Your Favorite Hobbies
1. Theater of any stripe except certain mainstagey weird stripes that pretend to be stripes but are actually polka dots.
2. Singing-- I miss it.

Two Things You Want Really Badly
1. To be a published writer.
2. To understand my direction in life and be at peace about it.

Two Places You Want to go on Vacation
1. India
2. Canada

Two Things You Want to Do Before You Die
1. Visit every continent at least once (including Antarctica!)
2. Walk in beauty every day. And go into space. Both are difficult, but worthwhile.

Two Ways that you are stereotypically a Chick/Guy
1. Wonderful and circuitous language skills.
2. Confusion about all things mechanical, or which have to be manually assembled.

Two Things You Normally Wouldn't Admit
1. What people think of me matters to me way too much (taken from Nathaniel because he's right)
2. I think about sex, my own sexuality, and tie myself in knots over real or imagined attractions more than I would EVER say. And I get very jealous about such matters.

Two Things You Are Thinking About Now
1. How to promote a Christmas Carol at Thanksgiving.
2. If anyone other than the people I know about actually reads this journal... and whether I want them to.

Two Stores You Shop At
1. A Garland of Letters
2. The Last Word (I'm picking the cool sounding favorites, not the grocery store and stuff)

Two people I would like to see take this quiz
1. Rachel
2. Katie (Because they will read it)

Two people I haven't talked to in a while
1. Cristina (and I really should because I'm head over heels about her being in Philly)
2. Kirstin (and I really should because I'm head over heels about her being in Pennsylvania)

The Survey That Ate Philadelphia

Or at least my life! Try it! Inquiring minds want to know.

Have you ever...

snuck out of the house – No… as a child I never tried to run away, which interests me in retrospect.
gotten lost in your city – Yes, sometimes on purpose.
seen a shooting star – Yes, many times… the person I got this from (random stranger whose blog I was reading) said no. That seems very sad to me! Shooting stars are not that uncommon, are they? I usually see them every summer at least once.
been to any other countries besides Canada – Yes, should I list them? Maybe I will. Onondaga Nation (does that count?), Holland, Belgium, China, Spain, Portugal, Moracco, Italy, Austria, Germany, Czech Republic, France, Ireland, England…Yay for being well-traveled. I’m in the mood for another trip soon, I think.
had a serious surgery – I don’t think so… I didn’t really have any surgery as a baby, so I guess no.
gone out in public in your pajamas –Yes, if Bryn Mawr or the laundry room of my apartment counts as in public.
kissed a stranger – Assuming we mean a passionate sort of kiss, no. Well, I guess assuming we mean any kind of kiss, unless we’re counting children or something. I think I’ve kissed strange children if they attach themselves to me.
hugged a stranger – I think so. I mean, not a total stranger without any introduction first. I’ve been told that as a child I had to be told not to hug everyone on first introduction.
been in a fist fight – No. Never been in any sort of serious physical conflict, and even came to playfighting rather late in life.
been arrested – No, only had one sort of interesting and at the time intensely humiliating encounter with the police, when some woman caught me dancing on her dock because it was a beautiful day and I was happy (and not aware that it was a private dock), and she thought I was insane and suicidal and called the police. That was quite horrible, in fact.
laughed and had milk/coke come out of your nose – Yes. Milk, I think, at lunch in high school, at one of those hexagonal (or whatevergonal they were) tables, probably about some random sexual joke that didn’t actually make lots of sense, but was still one of the funniest things I’ve ever heard.
pushed all the buttons on an elevator – No… do people really do that?
swore at your parents – No. I’ve sworn in front of my parents before, but not often. I don’t really swear at people much. I mean, I have in my life. But I take it pretty seriously.
been in love – I think so. I get confused about this, because I’ve not been in love with someone who has been in love with me. That I know of. But… putting aside wishful thinking and the idea that if it didn’t work out, it wasn’t really love, then I’ve been in love at least once, probably more like three times… and I hope I can also count the first time, when I was about 12 and so was he, and it was this kind of mutual sunshiney thing where we just smiled at each other a lot and I watched him play soccer, because that was by far the nicest and least painful. Hopefully that doesn’t sound bitter. I’m confused about love.
been close to love – What does this mean? Close to being in love? Clearly, yes, see above. Close to people who were in love? Yes, certainly, that’s pretty easy to do. Close to people who were having sex? Sometimes unpleasantly so, though never in an obscene ridiculous way.
been to a casino – Yes! Several in Atlantic City, mostly to use the bathroom or to prowl around for no especial reason. I think my favorite is still the Wild West one, though Caesar’s is kinda cool too. Casinos are super-weird, I think. Like… the imitation of riches in the presence of actual riches, but mostly not with actual rich people.
been skydiving - No
been skinny dipping – Yes, and with great enthusiasm. Once in the ocean in Spain (fabulous!!) and many times at Bryn Mawr, of course.
skipped school – Not as in, skipped a whole day of elementary or high school. Yes, if we’re talking about college. YES YES YES if we’re talking specifically about statistics, which I think I skipped more often than I attended.
seen a therapist – Yes, just after my parents split up. I liked him, but I’m not sure the experience did me much good, since it was not at all self-initiated and I was in a strange hidden state at that time. But probably he saw it differently and understood more about me than I would have liked, or even still like. Who knows?
done the splits – What does this mean? Is it sexual? Talking simply about doing a split? Alcohol related? I don’t think I’ve done it, whatever it is.
played spin the bottle – Sort of. This is a good story, I think. I was 14, and at a friend’s birthday party, and we were playing spin the bottle. Well, I was nervous, I didn’t want to play but I sort of did, so I was just sitting around on the outside of the circle with other non-players. And then this kid John—very strange, very talented, very attractive and very very very disturbed, as it turned out in the end—spun the bottle and it pointed at me. He was poised there in the circle for a moment, and I swear he looked like some sort of wildcat about to strike, and then he pounced at me and pressed his lips to mine, and it felt very nice and very sweet, like a tiny spark of life. And I was glad, because I had been concerned that I would end up being “sweet sixteen and never kissed,” and as it turned out, without him I would have been. And then I had to spin, and it landed on Nathaniel and we kissed, too. Later I found out that Morgan got her first kiss that night too, and neither of us knew the other had.. Strange, huh?
gotten stitches – Yes. One stitch. It was the night before we were moving out of Country View apartments (where we lived my fifth grade year) to High Acres, where we live now. I was playing outside with my friend Erica… she was younger than me, but really a brick, lots of fun and up to all kinds of fantastic games. We were playing in this fabulous rock filled ditch thing, where we pretended to have a wild hide-out and eat cattail hotdogs and raise falcolns, that sort of thing. Also, one of my rock people lived there. His name was Peter and he was very big, a sort of large folk-heroesque man who was a miner in the rocks. I don’t think I told Erica about him, or about Wiz and Wizina, the wizard couple who lived in the bushes nearby with their baby girl, whose name I forget, or about the old sailor whose memories appeared over the crest of the hillside that the apartment building was on, and we could watch them like movies. Anyway, Erica and I were playing, and this strange little boy who lived across the way from me came out and was smashing rocks against the tarvia, and all of a sudden I looked up and saw this rock heading straight for me. So I ducked, but it hit my head anyway, and I looked up and just felt this strong, sudden pain, which gave me energy, so I started yelling at the kid, something inane like, “You don’t do that! You don’t throw rocks at people!” but it must have impressed him in some way, because he ran away. I didn’t realize it was more serious than that until Erica was like, “You’re bleeding,” and I looked down and saw a big drop of blood land on my shoe, and then another. I can still see that very clearly, the shape of the blood-drop on my shoe. I started to cry then, and Erica ran to get help. And then the mom of the rock-thrower lead me around the house and my mom and dad and grandma came over to see what had happened. I spent the rest of the evening in the emergency room watching sitcoms with a handsome high school boy who had broken some bone in a sporting accident, and ended up with my one stitch. Somewhere under my hair there is probably a scar. Our move was a bit forestalled. And moving anywhere with my parents was always a calamitous journey, to say the least.
drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour – No… is that something people do very often?
bitten someone – Not anyone else, that I know of.
been to Niagara Falls – Yes… with my parents and Lauren in… third grade, I think? We sang “America” from West Side Story the whole way there and back, and didn’t know the words, so it was mostly, “DA DA DA DA DA AMER-I-CA, DA DA DA DA DA AMER-I-CA!” We also went over the falls in a bathtub, which I have a picture of, a wonderful picture of Lauren and I with big round eyes and mouths. And we went on the Maid of the Mist, and into the Caves of the Mist, which was wonderful. It was a very good trip, I think, even though I did get sick at one of the restaurants we went to. But I had fun.
gotten the chicken pox – Yes. Once I learned they were not a food, I became susceptible.
kissed a member of the opposite sex – Yes, but not at all as often as I would have liked.
crashed into a friend's car – No.
been to Japan – No.
ridden in a taxi – Yes, for the first time in NYC after the Beginnings Acting Workshop when I was 14… many times thereafter in many places, most notably and constantly in Seville, where the taxis are cheap and the drivers are friendly. Mostly in a good way… occasionally in the way where they tell you you are the kind of girl boys want to have babies with.
been dumped – Not really, I guess… but sometimes I’ve felt dumped, if not always in a romantic context.
shoplifted – No, not unless you count the time I took about a hundred business cards from some guy my dad knew with the intention of using them as pretend airplane tickets and got in lots of trouble.
been fired – No.
had a crush on someone of the same sex – Yes, often in the “gosh she’s cool and smart and lovely and I want to be her friend” way, less often in the “gosh she’s cool and smart and lovely and I want to kiss her and take her clothes off” way… but it’s happened both ways.
had feelings for someone who didn't have them back – Yes… is there anyone over the age of 12 who would not answer yes? How did they get that hand dealt to them? Maybe they don’t have feelings for people very often?
gone on a blind date – No, though it might be interesting.
lied to a friend – Yes… certainly in the casual, “I can’t do the thing you want to do for a better reason than my actual reason” way, or feigning a bit more disappointment than I actually felt about the collapse of plans… Probably in more serious ways too, but they don’t come to mind at the moment. Unless you count keeping secrets. It seems to be in my nature to keep secrets.
had a crush on a teacher – Never in a serious way… more in flashes of “Ooh, smart and powerful figure just said something marvelous and we sort of think the same way and they’re not bad looking at all…”
celebrated Mardi-Gras in new Orleans – Nope, I’ve done my farewelling to the flesh right in my hometown. Well, and in Bryn Mawr and Philly.
been to Europe – Yes, see initial country question.
slept with a co-worker – No. God, no. And unless I get a new job with very different people, I really don’t intend to.
been married – No… we don’t count the faux four-way all-female marriage Roz, Liz, Abby and I cooked up for a potential high school reunion, do we?
gotten divorced – No.
had children – No.
seen someone die – No… not actually seen.
had a close friend die – Do we count my Uncle Alan? I loved him, and we had started to be something like grown-up friends, as well as uncle and neice.
been to Africa – Yes, to Moracco for one whirlwind weekend full of touristy strangeness and animal encounters (camel and snake).
driven over 400 miles in one day – No.
been to US – In fact, I was born there.
been to Mexico – No, oddly enough, seeing that it is the closest Spanish-speaking country and I speak Spanish.
been to India – No… but I’d really like to go!
been on a plane – Yes… the first time when I was 7 or 8 to go to Florida for grandparent-visiting and Disney World. The most recent time on the way back here from Seville this January.
seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show – Yes, though it took me awhile to see it all the way through in the right order, and now I own a copy by default, though I’ve never watched my own copy… a sad fate of many movies I buy.
thrown up in a bar – No, nor ever due to alcohol, long may that record hold.
purposely set a part of myself on fire – No, unless you count the passing your fingers through flame trick, which I loved loved loved as a kid and still think is pretty darn cool.
eaten sushi – Yes, but I’m still squeamish about the raw fish aspect.
been skiing/snowboarding – No, actually, at least not downhill skiing, despite my Upstate NY creditials. But I liked cross-country a lot when we did it in school. Except for some reason I was exempt from going down the big hill, and I don’t know why. Was I incapable of doing it? Was I scared? I can’t remember.
met someone in person from the internet – Yes, by accident! I just happened to be at a coffeehouse with some friends, and they happened to know this random guy there, and we were all hanging out and playing games, and lo and behold, it’s a guy I’d been talking to online for a couple of months. It was sort of fun and coincidental.
lost a child – No, thank God.
gone to college/university – Yes, I’m a Bryn Mawr grad!
graduated college/university – Oh, I jumped the gun there.
fired a gun – Speaking of guns… no. I have fantasies where people are attacking me and I get the gun and I have to pretend I know how to use it, when I don’t at all.
purposely hurt yourself – Yes, but not in a terribly dramatic way… I don’t think. For example, if I have a really bad headache, sometimes I’ll dig my fingernails hard into my head to distract myself… and I’ve been known to bite my forearms and fingers out of extreme frustration, or seemingly outletless frustration. I’m still rather self-conscious about this habit, but it’s never gotten terribly common or intense.
taken painkillers – Yes. Surprise?
been intimate with someone of the same gender – Are we talking about sex? If we are, then no. If we’re talking about love and sharing and trust and things… yes, certainly.