One More Down...

Goodbye, Duke application.

I hope that all your various moving parts have reached their destinations, and that your hasty send-off was compensated for by adequate preparation.

See you soon... fat and full of financial aid, si sea posible.

Today is a Survey Day.

Where's Vivaldi?
Should Have Been Loved // The Proclaimers
So, how do you take your coffee?:	Generally I leave it.
What about eggs?:	Sunny side up, soft boiled, poached, scrambled-and-fluffy... I like eggs.
Favorite pasta shapes in tomato sauce (alphagetti, simpsons, scarry-os etc):	I think I insisted on trying Spaghetti-Os once, and didn't like them.
The Taiming Of Smegol // Howard Shore
What is your favorite flower?:	I like violets and roses and Avie-Luke flowers and carnations and peonies and daffodils and tulips and irises...
Favorite type of tree?:	I like maples and oaks and willows and little bent over trees and birch trees and tall pine trees...
Have you ever tried eggplant?:	Yep.
Do you like eggplant?:	I love it!
Do you belive that eggplant actually exists?:	Yeah.
Really?:	Really really.
If you could be any type of plant, what type would you be?:	I had to answer this question at my NYPIRG job when they made us bond every day. I didn't want to bond, I wanted a paycheck. I quit pretty fast.
Breaking the Habit // Linkin Park
When was the last time you mailed a letter?:	I sent my signature to Harvard this morning.
what about sent an e-mail ?(real e-mail, no forwards):	To my delinquent recommender who has not sent recommendations to schools that were due 12/15!
Do you prefer pencil or pen?:	Pen.
Is you're writing pretty, or ucky?:	Ucky. What a cute word. I like it.
Are you a fast writer?:	When I was little, I was a slow writer due to a fine motor lag, so I got to record audio tapes full of my ideas and stories and inspirations and thoughts about alppes.
Printing or cursive?:	Printing, though I always feel bad, because my 3rd grade teacher thought I would like cursive and find it easier, and I wanted to oblige.
How old were you when you learnt to use cursive?:	9 or so.
CAPITAL LETTERS or lowercase?:	Both in their places.
My alphebets are talking to me! they say oooOOOoo!:	Mine say things like erotic. Mine are way cooler.
Anchored In You // Shawn Mullins
Do you like to travel?:	Love it!
Camping or cottaging?:	Camping, in a tent.
Ever been stoned in San Fransisco?:	Been neither stoned nor to San Francisco.
Where would you go if you got the chance?:	Almost anywhere.
Would you ever go back packing across Europe alone?:	Probably.
Do you really like the States?:	I like 'em fine.
Ever swam in the ocean?:	Yes!
How about a sea?:	I don't know.
Would you go to Iraq right now, if given the chance?:	I've thought about this. If there was a clear, (to me at least) important reason for me to go, that didn't involve fighting as its primary purpose, I would trust my heart/gut
Role Model For Today // Proclaimers
Do you play football (soccer)?:	No.
What's your favorite football (soccer) team?:	I don't know.
What's your favorite sport?:	*shrugs*
Do you consider cheerleading to be a sport?:	Yes.
Do you watch olympic gymnastics?:	I do. Once, I invented a sport called Ball Balancing. You balanced on a ball. The fictional ball balancers were also time travelers whose base of operations was inside the
Ever run out on a baseball/football field naked?:	Sphinx... it was pretty cool. And no.
Sad But True // Metallica
Name a few of your favorite bands/ musicians:	See previous survey.
Top 5 songs?:	See previous survey.
What's you favorite cd?:	My Thesis Soundtrack, duh.
How many concerts have you gone to in the past 4 years?:	Let's say about 10, including every kind of concert.
Enjoy mosh pits?:	No.
Name some kick ass composers:	Tchaikovsky, Beethoven, Mozart, and.... HERE'S Vivaldi! :)
Do you like bagpipes?:	I hated them as a kid... Now I like them a bit, but only in moderation/with other instruments.
Do you consider yourself to be a elietest when it comes to music?:	No, but about language I am... elie-test?
Who is Kurt Cobain's daughter?:	I don't know.
What about his wife?:	I don't know.
Lead singer of Metallica would be...:	I don't know.
Y'like Bob Marley, mon?:	Sure.
Are you in a band?:	I was, for one summer. :)
Karma Police // Radiohead
Would you ever get a mohawk?:	Probably not.
How about dreads?:	I doubt it.
D'you think dreads or mohawks are sexy?:	They can be.
What about chicks with mohawks?:	Often hot.
Should guys get perms?:	Probably not, but I'm picturing really frizzy stuff that may not be what you have in mind.
How many times have you dyed your hair?:	Once. Sprayed it a bunch for The King and I and Halloween, though.
What colour would you dye your hair (if you absolutely had to)?:	See previous.
Guys with long hair? yea or ney?:	Yea, mostly!
Hobbit hair? drool or lighter? (you know, lighter... to burn it off):	In chorus in high school, some jock guys thought it would be fun to light Nathaniel's hair on fire.
Do mullets really get chicks:	As in, understand them?
they really don't you know. Do you want an afro?:	No.
Worst hair attribute ever?:	Radioactivity.
What bugs you about YOUR hair?:	It needs to be cut right now.
Meet The Creeper // Rob Zombie
Do you like county fairs?:	Our state fair is a great state fair!
Which is better, candy apples or cotton candy?:	Caramel apples.
Caremel corn or nachos?:	Caramel corn.
What's your favorite midway ride?:	The Ferris Wheel.
Are you afraid of carnies?:	After Geek Love...?
Do you even know what a carnie is?:	A person who works at/travels with a carnival... right?
Wouldn't you just love to BE a carnie?:	Not really. But I know a certain Professor who might be interested. Except really I think he just likes to watch the carnies.
Ever thrown up on/ just after a ride?:	No... I don't go on super crazy rides, usually.
Ever seen someone do it?:	Yeah! They kept the Rainbow going for like 20 minutes, and this person on it with me threw up.
With Or Without You // U2
Do you like freckles?:	Sure.
Favorite facial feature?:	Eyes and smile.
Ever shot a beveradge out your nose?:	Laughed it out.
Ever hit someone with your nose beveradge?:	No.
Tried to hit someone with nose beveradges?:	No.
Does your face get messed up when you cry (i.e. puffy, splotchy, shrinks):	Shrinks? Actually, I think it's interesting, because if I just cry a bit and I'm trying not to cry it tends to get more splotchy, which is ironic.
Can you legitimitly wiggle your ears?:	Illegitimately, actually, sorry.
can you wiggle you know, bewiched style?:	This sounds so mysterious even though I know what it means. But no.
Ever had to wear braces or a retainer?:	Yes, braces for about a year... and I think I'm still supposed to wear the retainer at night...
Broken your nose (or other facial bones)?:	No.
Gotten a concussion?:	Nope.
Can you make a clover with your tounge?:	Just normal curling.
Have you even been punched in the face?:	No.
Punched someone else in the face?:	No.
Girls Not Grey // AFI
Got any tattoos? If yes, what of?:	No.
Do you want a tattoo? if yes, what of?:	See previous survey.
Got any facial (excluding ears) piercings?:	No.
If someone else paid, would you get you nipple pierced:	No.
Want any piercings?:	Probably not.
What do you think of surface piercings?:	Meaning, the surface of your skin? Depends where.
Kissed anyone with a tounge ring?:	No. I hear it's nice.
Any bad/ tragic tattoo/ piercing stories?:	Tragic tattoo! No.
Beautiful Girl // Poe
Were you popular in elementry school?:	Nope.
Who was your best friend in kindergarden?:	Charlotte, who I mentioned in the last one. But probably really Micah.
Favorite recess activity?:	Pretend, which we later called putting on plays.
Most used crayon?:	Red. My mom once was looking for a red crayon, and remembered it was me, and looked down in the carton and there it was, much smaller and rounder than all the rest. :)
How many schools have you gone to?:	Counting absolutely everything, separate buildings and all... eight.
Any elementry school friends you havn't seen in ages but would love to see?:	Yes, mostly Lauren. And Amy.
Were you the teased or the teaser?:	Teased. On occasion surrounded. But not as constantly as some, certainly.
Imaginary friends at all? What was their name?:	I had Rock People. Captain Jim, and Wiz and Wizina, and their baby, who I think was named Jane. And Pete, who lived in this actually rock ditch thing.
Any childhood pets?:	Sparky, and Physh. :) Also Cinnamon the cat who wasn't mine but who I liked a lot.
Slide // Goo Goo Dolls
Worst feeling?:	Jealousy. And self-loathing.
What is the worst thing you've done, that you can remember:	Probably the way I treat myself sometimes, to be honest. Also, I can be inconsiderate of people's feelings, and I've snarked and gossiped about people while remaining friends
Any bad habits?:	Procrastination. Filling out too many surveys.
Have you ever been abandoned?:	Yes. But not completely.
What's the most morbid thing you've thought over the past 48 hours?:	I reread a "what if I was decapitated" poem of mine last night. I mean, the only one, it's not a constant topic of my poetry. I mean, it's a good poem. ;)
Ever envisioned your own death?:	Yeah. Not really delighting in it, but I have imagined it.
When was the last time you really cried, sobbing and all?:	On Christmas Eve... but it was a clensing thing.
When was the last time you were truely, really angry?:	Over the weekend, I think.
Ever lost you mind?:	Not in a bad way.
Ever totally lost control?:	Yeah. Not often, but I've definitely screamed and cried when I didn't really want to.
Worst childhood memory?:	Various fighting things... like when my dad swept all the stuff off the coffee table in a rage and broke some small figurine or something of mine.
Best childhood memory?:	I don't know. Maybe being on stage with a big part for the first time.
Hope you like this, hope it wasn't too run-of-the-mill
Remember- Never start a land war in Asia! (if you don't get it, you suck:	Aw, I suck.
Take this survey | Find more surveys You've been totally Bzoink*d

Lured on by the Promise of Ultimate Fun-ness.

** Ultimately Fun Long Survey! [Tons of Questions] **
... Basic Questions
First Name?:	Rebecca
Middle Name?:	Lynne
Age?:	23
Birthday?:	4/20/82
Where do you live?:	Philadelphia, where it is hot as hell, but not right now.
Where were you born?:	Syracuse, where it is GOOD MORNING BRUTAL cold, but not right now.
Who do you live with?:	Rachel, who is wonderful, right now too.
How many siblings do you have?:	When I was three and a half, my mom had a baby with no kidneys, who died that same day. See the questions from Katie for more on this.
Pets?:	None since Eustace, may he Rest in Adventure.
Grade at school?:	Nope.
Where do you go to school?:	Nope.
Hair color?:	Brown... maybe some burgundy left, but I don't think it's noticeable.
Hair style?:	Medium-short with layers. But I need a haircut right now.
Eye color?:	Very dark brown.
Ethnic background?:	Italian, Irish, German, Scottish.
Do you play any sports?:	Absolutely not.
If so, which ones?:	I did go to soccer camp for one day once. AND I kept up. It was the most exhausting, sweaty experience of my life. Really quite unique.
Do you play any instruments?:	I used to play flute.
If so, which ones?:	Getting ahead of ourselves, are we?
Height?:	5'2" and perhaps some change.
Weight?:	Ooh... well, I have been meaning to be honest about this, since I am sick of people thinking 11o lbs is in fact a reasonable weight for most women. So, in the interest of that, I'm hovering somewhere around 145 lbs. I do hope it goes down soon, but not to 110. Ever, really. :)
Do you look like anyone famous?:	I've been told the girl who played Blossom and Alanis Morissette, but I didn't really think either one was correct.
Any nicknames?:	Becky. Others, but they haven't been used in awhile. Like Bacon and Dove.
Do you like your name?:	I do. Especially my full name, with lots of double letters.
If you could change it, what would you want it to be?:	Uh-oh.
Any talents?:	Nope, I'm dull as paint.
Do you have a cell phone?:	I'm trying, dammit.
If so, which kind?:	The kind where they don't understand what you want at the store when you go to get it put in your name.
What is your ringtone?:	When I was in Spain, I had the can-can for text messages. Everyone hated it. Then my phone was attacked by a Portuguese wave. I got a new one. No can-can. Cristina actually composed it for me on the phone. Cristina is marvelous and wonderful.
... Some of your favorite things
Movie?:	Most Recently Watched (easier than favorite)-- Syriana.
TV Show?:	Star Trek: Deep Space Nine is MRW, and also probably favorite, if I absolutely had to pick just one.
Actress?:	Ummmmmm... I like Kate Winslet a lot. And Susan Sarandon is always good. And Laura Linney.
Actor?:	Um... Alan Rickman? Geofferey Rush? Phillip Seymour Hoffman?
Comedy movie?:	The Birdcage, perhaps, for sheer durability. I like Robin Williams and Nathan Lane too, while we're talking actors.
Romantic movie?:	Hrm. While You Were Sleeping remains a favorite. Sense and Sensibility is always nice, too. There are sexier ones, but for some reason they aren't coming to mind. Oh, I liked Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind a lot.
Historical movie?:	Anne of Green Gables. :)
Music Genre?:	Oh, I don't know. Musicals and soundtracks.
Band?:	UPA Dance! Gogol Bordello! *chuckles*
Singer?:	Always a fan of Paula Cole, and earlier Jewel stuff, and Seal... for actual sound of singing I like Sarah Brightman, and I'm nostalgic about Pavarotti.
Song of all time?:	How am I supposed to have one favorite song of all time? That seems a bit much.
Dance song?:	Me siento bien, by UPA Dance. Well, it's the first thing that came to mind.
Rap song?:	Psalm 51
Pop song?:	Um... see above re. singer, maybe? I don't know.
Country song?:	That Friends in Low Places one is pretty good. And I know it.
R&B song?:	Honestly don't know.
Store [non-clothing]?:	I like Ten Thousand Villages lots. And Garland of Letters. And the Last Word.
Store [clothing]?:	Um... I don't know. At home, I like Charlotte Russe and Fashion Bug. Apparently I don't shop for clothes in Philly. Daffy's seemed neat and cheap.
Clothing brand?:	If I don't even know what my favorite store is...
Couture designer?:	Ha.
Outfit to wear?:	Lately, I've been getting a lot of wear out of my red tailcoatesque pant suit. It's very fancy and very comfy and apparently attractive, so that's three for three. And it's red, just for a bonus.
Underwear?:	Clean and without holes.
Shoes?:	My coolest shoes are my brown and teal boots. My most comfy are my sneakers. Or my winter boots, but they're getting pretty shabby.
Shoe brand?:	Right. New Balance fits my foot, how about that?
Place to go?:	Hell.
Vacation spot?:	Stratford, Ontario.
City?:	Sevilla :)
Animal?:	Bunny. Or lion. Or snake. But probably bunny, because Fluffer was first of all.
Candy?:	Turtles.
Food?:	I like Italian food most of all, usually. Also lobster.
Holiday?:	We just had Christmas, so I'm into it. Also love Easter. And sometimes my birthday.
Month?:	I don't know. April, for my birthday? Maybe?
Car?:	Red or purple.
Thing to do on the weekend?:	Have ridiculous amounts of fun with friends.
Sport to watch?:	Not golf! Maybe figure skating. But actually I don't mind watching most sports, at least not live.
Sport to play?:	None, really. I kinda liked very informal not on skates gym hockey.
Subject in school?:	English.
Book?:	I truly don't know. My standard have to pick one used to be Winter of Fire, but I haven't read that in years. The Winter Prince is still a winner... but there are so many more it seems unfair. And what about Last Report, and Kiss of the Fur Queen, and A Prayer for Owen Meany... let's go back to Most Recently Read: Cinema Nirvana, a truly amazing and wonderful book about dharma practice and the movies!
Author?:	Still love Madeline L'Engle, L.M. Montgomery, C.S. Lewis, etc. But that list, too, is always growing. Let's add John Irving and Michael Cunningham... who I MET!
Color?:	Red. As it was in the beginning, is now, and... well, we'll see, but I bet.
Cartoon?:	Uh, Sinfest, online. I really like that weird one in the City Paper too, but if I can't remember the name, that's not going anywhere. Peanuts is always a favorite. B.C. is often cute.
Artist?:	I was always a fan of Eli Thomas, though that is some time ago.
Disney movie?:	Beauty and the Beast.
Disney princess? (haha):	What is this haha for? Belle, correspondingly.
Quote?:	Is there anything I haven't already quoted in here? "I want to know God's thoughts... the rest are details." --Albert Einstein.
Inspirational figure?:	Drawing on recent inspiration... two Helens, Sr. Helen Prejean, and Helen Keller.
Era in time?:	Um... Middle Ages are always interesting, though I wouldn't want to live there. Hehe, what if I said prehistory? That would be interesting...
... Time for a small break... LIST THINGS
--> 10 Things you can't live without
10]:	Air
9]:	Water
8]:	Food
7]:	Sleep
6]:	Ants
5]:	Balloons
4]:	Love
3]:	Books
2]:	Friends
1]:	Delight
--> 9 Songs That Describe your life
9]:	Tiger by Paula Cole
8]:	Stranger by Jewel
7]:	Stranger by Billy Joel
6]:	Only the Good Die Young by Billy Joel
5]:	River of Dreams by Billy Joel
4]:	Lots of Rumi
3]:	Barcelona by Jewel
2]:	Love's Divine by Seal
1]:	Moonlight Sonata by Beethoven
--> 8 Of Your Favorite Songs
8]:	Movie in my Mind from Miss Saigon
7]:	Phantom of the Opera from ???
6]:	A Breakfast Over Sugar from In Trousers
5]:	Most everything from Falsettos, even though that's cheating
4]:	Lullabye for Cain from The Talented Mr. Ripley
3]:	My Funny Valentine in any version I've ever heard
2]:	Leningrad by Billy Joel
1]:	Iron Spy by... I lost the name. They came on a CD I got from Alfred College as part of their (creative and flattering!) recruitment of me. Bryn Mawr won with less effort, in fact, but I still love the CD.
--> 7 Of Your Best Friends
7]:	I started wondering how many close friends I really have, so instead of complying with this, I'm going to try and list them all.
6]:	Lilah and Charlotte
5]:	Maddie and Chelsea and Julia
4]:	Crista and Alex and Katie R.
3]:	Nathaniel and Bekah and Liz
2]:	Elizabeth and Cristina, and Amy too, even though I rarely see them.
1]:	Rachel and Katie and Kirstin. 17. I think that about covers all the people I'm currently close to and in some kind of touch with. Interesting.
--> 6 Things You Always Wear
6]:	Underwear
5]:	Bra
4]:	Shoes
3]:	This is supposed to be more exciting, huh? My class ring.
2]:	Recently, my lovely new necklace from Rachel
1]:	My watch, a gift from my mom.
--> 5 Of Your Favorite Movies
5]:	Didn't we do this already? Let me try not to repeat myself. And just say whatever comes to mind, like: Beauty and the Beast.
4]:	Gods and Monsters.
3]:	L'Auberge Espanol.... however it's spelled.
2]:	The King and I
1]:	Dogma
--> 4 Things You Could Always Eat
4]:	Ice Cream! Especially mint chocolate chip.
3]:	Always ready to eat spaghetti.
2]:	Cheese
1]:	Some kind of vegetable... like peppers or broccoli or mushrooms or onions.
--> 3 Things You'd Do With A Trillion Dollars
3]:	A Trillion Dollars! My God... Buy 10 theaters for Uncut Pages.
2]:	Stabilize the economy of several small countries... but, seriously, give to charity. Or maybe establish my own!
1]:	Buy Super Sexy Fantasy Bras for all 17 of my close friends.
--> 2 Of Your Goals
2]:	Have something published. As in, a book.
1]:	Have fun more times than not.
--> The Most Important Thing To you
1]:	What a question! I guess my own growth, and connection with those around me.
** A little bout your love life
Are you single?:	Yes. *chuckles* I think it's such a funny phrase, actually. I always want to say I'm double.
If not, who are you dating?:	No one.
Sexual preference?:	I prefer men. A preference, not a rule.
IF you aren't single, how long have you been takent?:	Taken, another bizarre and interesting way to put it.
How many boy/girlfriends have you had?:	Oh, we're getting down to brass tacks, are we? I usually avoid this question, because I've had none.
Have you kissed the same sex?:	Not really in a sexual way.
Have you kissed the opposite sex?:	Yes.
Are you a virgin?:	Yes.
How far have you gone with the opposite sex?:	Not as far as I would like to go. To be coy about it. Which means you've probably gone farther.
How far have you gone with the same sex?:	Nowhere, really.
Most romantic memory?:	Most romantic memory... that's interesting. I remember the love poem written to me in the 6th grade... and my first dance and first kiss... both in 9th grade or thereabouts, but not connected.
Where would you want to be taken on a date?:	The moon. Or the Ritz movie theater or a play.
Best romantic gift you've ever gotten?:	Probably the love poem, whether that's sad or not.
Roses or chocolates?:	Roses.
Worst ex?:	Doesn't apply.
Best ex?:	See worst ex.
** Some time for snobbery - Brag bout yourself!
Do you have a cell?:	This is bragging? I'm working on it.
What kind? (even though we asked before!):	Whatever Chelsea sent me.
Do you have a computer?:	Her name is Betty.
What kind?:	Compaq... I don't get this, why is this bragging? I didn't do anything exciting to get my computer.
Most expensive pants?:	Um........... No idea. I try not to pay more than $20 or so, but I probably have some that are more like $30 or $40. Like those purply ones with the bells on. But my mom bought those for me, a couple of years ago.
Most expensive purse?:	God, I hope not more than $10.
Most expensive shirt?:	What is this? $40, actually, I remember that one.
Do you drive?:	Sadly, no.
What kind of car do you have?:	None, but that I'm ok with, here in the city.
Are you smart?:	HA! Something I can actually brag about. Yeah, you bet I'm smart.
What kind of grades do you have?:	Oh, honor code forbids... but I guess I've graduated now. On the high end of magna cum laude. Wow, bragging feels weird.
What cool electronics do you have?:	I have mechanical animals...
Do you have an MP3 player?:	Nope.
What kind?:	None.
** Random questions
What's your screen name?:	BeckyF342
What was your first sn ever?:	I got one in college, let's not get carried away. Same as now.
Do you use AIM, MSN or yahoo?:	AIM, mostly.
How many kids do you want to have someday?:	Probably one or two, but maybe more. Or none. I'm not clear on that at all.
What would you name them?:	I have a lot of favorite boy's names, like Peter and Andrew and Paul and David.... girl's names are harder, though I always thought Joy would be neat. Or something pretty and elaborate. Lately I've been into Rivka as a name, but maybe that's too close to Rebecca...
Do you want to get married?:	Possibly. Sometimes I fantasize about it, but it seems like a very distant thing. We'll see.
Where do you want to live?:	I don't know. Really. Probably still somewhere on the east coast. Beyond that... ?
What do you want to study in college?:	For college, read grad school: English, Comp. Lit., and/or Theology.
Do you do drugs?:	I do not.
Worst drug you've ever done?:	*chuckles* Over the counter painkillers.
Do you drink?:	I do. Moderately.
Do you smoke?:	I do not.
Best concert you've been to?:	Gogol Bordello! :)
Trademark saying of yours?:	Oh dear God, what have you done?
Favorite quote ever?:	I swear we had this before.
Do you like to dance?:	I do.
Color you think you look best in?:	Well, I do like my favorite red, but I also look good in green and purple and brown, I think.
If you could dye your hair any color, what would it be?:	I always thought it would be kind of cool to have one tiny braid in gold or silver.
Any piercings?:	Uh-huh.
If so, where?:	Ears.
How many?:	One for each ear.
Any tatoos?:	Uh-uh.
Where & What?:	Nowhere and none.
If you dont have any, do you want a tatoo?:	I think about it decently often, but I can't settle on anything.
What kind?:	Lately, I've wanted a snake near my hipbone on one side, and a tiny lizard on the other, and maybe a bird somewhere too. I also really like the idea of doing a lamppost with the Bryn Mawr lantern on top, and a sort of abstract girl looking up at it, but I couldn't decide where to put that.
Do you like to party?:	*chuckles* Oh, do I?
Do you have any video game systems?:	Nope.
Favorite video game?:	Uhhhhhhhh... I like Arcane on the computer.
How many DVDFs do you own?:	What is a DVDF?
Do you own any TV seasons on DVD/:	Yes!
If so, which ones?:	I just got the first three seasons of the West Wing for Christmas.
What's the first pet you ever had?:	Sparky! A lovely goldfish who grew and grew and finally jumped out of his bowl on Easter, which was weird.
Favorite grade in school?:	Oh.... I don't know, really. I liked 2nd grade a lot. And 4th and 5th... and 6th... and 12th. *laughs*
Most missed memory?:	For some reason I don't understand this question.
** This or That?
Britney Spears Pre-KevFed or Britney Federline?:	WHAT?
Xtina or Britney?:	Please.
Jessica Simpson drama or Angelina/Jennifer drama?:	Oh my God.
New BSB or Old BSB?:	What does this mean?
Movies at home or movies in the theater?:	Ok, back in the realm of comprehension. Both, please. But I do love going to the theater, it's fun and big and communal and exciting.
Popcorn or candy?:	Candy. But at the movies, popcorn. Except really, nothing, because it would use up too much of my trillion dollar budget.
Seven for all mankind or Diesel?:	Excuse me?
True Religion or Citizens for Humanity?:	Am I in Hell or just crazy?
East coast or west coast?:	East, I've always lived here.
Snow or rain?:	Snow, I've always lived here. :)
Summer or winter?:	I don't know... Winter gets tricky and long, but summer is often too hot.
Fall or spring?:	Oh, I like them both! Spring for my birthday?
Christmas or Valentine's Day?:	Christmas! What kind of question is that.
Audi or BMW?:	I don't know.
Porsche or Lexus?:	I like the sound of Porshe better.
Range Rover or Rolls Royce?:	Rolls Royce, I like glamor.
Clubs or bars?:	Gay clubs and smokeless bars, please.
Breakfast or dinner?:	I'm hungry.
Pizza or french fries?:	Pizza.
McDonalds or Wendys?:	Wendy's.
Cell phones or pagers?:	Cell phones, if necessary.
Lacoste polos or Ralph Lauren polos?:	Oh, Jesus Christ! Lacoste has the alligator, no? I'll go with that.
Makeup or no makeup?:	None, unless I want to be fancy and play. Or unless you're a sexy boy.
Shots or beer?:	Shots.
Cats or dogs?:	Cats, but dogs are nice too.
Rap or rock?:	Rock.
MP3s or radio stations?:	What? I don't really listen to either, but... radio stations.
Kissing or cuddling?:	This is getting ridiculous. Cuddling, at the moment.
Pink or orange?:	ORANGE!
Red or yellow?:	Red.
Green or blue?:	Oh, I can't pick that! :)
Going to the beach or swimming in a pool?:	Beach, please, but pools are good too.
**Describe your First Times...
First time having sex?:	Haven't.
Where & when?:	It seems we've stood and talked like this before...
First time drinking?:	I'm trying to really remember this... I think my first time having a whole drink all myself and finishing it was in Spain, that glass of sherry at the sherry factory that was extremely yummy. I'm not positive, because I'd had sips and stuff before then. But I think that was the first drink all for me.
First time smoking?:	Haven't.
First party?:	Is party being used as a code, or something? I mean, I don't know, I was probably an infant, if not.
First best friend?:	Well, I decided this girl who I thought was a boy named Charlotte was my best friend in Kindergarten, because I'd read about them in books, and thought I should have one. I think my first real best friend was probably Lauren, though I didn't know it at the time. My first official best friend with a necklace was Danielle. My last best friend with a necklace was Dannah, and we swore vows and everything. I miss her. But I have wonderful best friends now, too.
First movie seen?:	How am I supposed to know?
First date?:	I get a little confused about this, because I had a datelike thing to a play, but we never called it a date, and maybe it was just wishful thinking on my part... but that was in high school, maybe sometime sophomore year? And then I had a date for the Ball, though it was not intended romantically. But if we're going to be absolutely certain, I guess it was last year, with this Italian guy I picked up in Rittenhouse Square.
First kiss?:	I was... 14, I think, and at a party. I've told this story before, I think in another survey in this very blog. But we--or, they, I was too nervous--were playing spin-the-bottle, and this strange, troubled, desireable boy spun, and it pointed at me, even though I wasn't in the circle, and he crouched there like a cat, and sprang across the circle and touched his lips to mine... and it was a sudden, small spark of energy between us, and I was very relieved to have gotten kissed before I turned 16, which for some reason was this big deal in my head.
First cell phone?:	In Spain.
First CD bought?:	Um... I think it was Amy Grant, whatever came out about the time I was 16.
First crush?:	Bobby Clifford, in 5th grade.
First boyfriend/girlfriend?:	We discussed this; no need to rub it in.
First party?:	What the hell?
** Wrapping it all up...
What time is it?:	11:39 AM
How long have you been doing this?:	Too damn long.
Do you like taking surveys?:	You know, I do, even though they frustrate the hell out of me. I think I like the chance to be snarky.
Any final thoughts?:	I wonder if I'll find a better one on the survey site.
Take this survey | Find more surveys You've been totally Bzoink*d

Questions from Katie

1. You've finally been able to become a full time novelist (or playwright; whatever you wish!). Only one of your novels/plays wins critical and popular acclaim. Would you rather have that one be your first novel/play, or your last? Why?

Hard one! A conflict between my ego and my... non-ego? Or my ego and my ego? *laughs* But I think in the end I would want it to be my last. Although, if it were my first, I could live a more comfortable lifestyle while writing the rest, which is a serious consideration. But, assuming this is not too relevant to my bank account, and I have a decent source of income either way... then my last. I just hope I would have the stamina to keep writing without any acclaim! And hopefully I wouldn't pen my last work and then die immediately, so I'd have some time to enjoy it. I guess the thing is that I would want to see myself as always progressing and improving as a writer, not peaking right away and never doing anything of note again. I guess it's all ego stuff, though. I mean, in theory what should matter is my own work, the work itself and how I feel about it... though it also matters if other people respond and share what I've done. I guess what it boils down to is that I have to find the strength in myself to do my work because I want to do my work, and let everything that comes with it... success, or not, acclaim, or ridicule, be part of the game of living. Easier said than done, and being said, I'll stick with last, so I could feel like I climbed a mountain and made it to the top, instead of slid down a slide. Except that slides are easier. But I like the view from the mountain. Hehe, I'm not gonna win any prizes for these tossed off analogies, am I? Guess I'll get my wish. ;)

2. What do you think your life would be like if your baby brother had lived, by some miracle, with perfect health? How would you be different? What if he had lived, but with serious health problems?

This is a completely fascinating question. I think about it... not necessarily a lot, but frequently enough, given that it happened when I was three and half. I think that growing up... I always imagined him as a protector, I guess an idealized older brother, even though he would have been younger. I wonder a lot about how we would have related. Would we have allied together against (or at least as a buffer to) our parents? I can see that as an option... I can see us being very close, me and Patrick against the world, even if we didn't always get along. In that version of things he's a confidant, this other part of me that is out doing other things, but always close in spirit, I guess. But I can also see us being radically different. The odds are good, given the situation and family dynamics, that one of us would have been a rebel. I want to say probably him, but who knows? When I don't picture him as my symbiotic sibling, I tend to imagine him like another Pat I knew once... sort of lost and probably on lots of drugs and academically unsuccessful, though smart... and sincere, and deserving of better. Which is interesting, because that Pat was in fact the oldest sibling. And I've seen other examples where it's the oldest sibling that flounders (founders?) the most... my mom's family being a good example. So would I, then, have become more rebellious? Or rebellious at all, let's be honest? I think in some ways it would have been good for me, maybe, knocked a little of the terminal uniqueness out of me. So much of my identity, at least my self-concept and self-presentation, is wrapped up in being one, the one, the only, with all the good and bad that that implies. I think shaped the way I relate in many, many ways. I assume I would still centrally be the same, but the trappings might have been very, very different. I feel like we would have tried to create some balance with each other, and a quadrilateral is never really much like a triangle. But maybe I'm overestimating the whole thing, I don't really know. And I'm very curious about how it would have changed things when my parents split up. Would he have gone to live with my father? Would I? Or would my mother's attachment have been as fierce to both of us? Probably the last, I guess. And would we have visited my father together? Would I have attained the same level of (hard-won) honesty in that relationship? Probably it would have been totally different from all of these things, but it sure makes me think about what is constructed in our identities and what is "real." Is anything? Does it matter?

As to what it would have been like if he were seriously ill... I never considered it before now. So I have less speculation. Except that I'm sure that would have changed me substantially... not only would I be the only top priority (and the only one in the pressure cooker), now, by necessity, I would have been not the top priority at all. I don't know how we would have afforded that... clearly I would have lost whatever monetary opportunities I had, probably including SCC and Beginnings and trips and classes and stuff... I bet I would have formed more solid bonds with friends, dating and such from an earlier age... though it's also possible the opposite would have happened, that I would have retreated more solidly within the walls of my family, and taken on a rather absorbing care-taker role. I mean, it's possible that things would have worked out well for all of us, that it would have been expansive, somehow... but given the relationship between my parents, it seems like this would have been a fairly intolerable situation. Or maybe things would have stayed more sane on the surface. Who knows, but the concept is mostly scary.

I had a dream when I was in Kindergarten, about a cartoon (as in drawn, not stereotypical) African-American family, which I was part of. And we had a baby in the family, and it was accidentally put in the washing machine. (I realized later I had been sitting on the washing machine that day, talking to my father about Patrick). The dream stopped right when we opened the washing machine, and were about to look at its horrific contents.

I often think I was introduced to the concept of death with Patrick, that he made death seem more real to me than to some children. Not in a complete way, though. It makes me think of a story my dad tells, where he and I got on the elevator in the hospital to visit my mom, and somebody, seeing that we were going to the maternity floor, asked if I was going to see a baby brother or a baby sister... "Our baby died," I said. Apparently the ride was very quiet after that. It's an awful story, but it's also hilarious. At least to me. Imagining my chirping little child voice piping up with such a terrible sentence, but one that seemed reasonable and informative to me.

I was always fascinated by him. I never saw him. I don't think I was taken to the funeral; they decided I was too young. And there are no pictures. At some point in my childhood, pretty early I would guess, I was looking at a photo album with all my baby pictures. And I pointed to a blank spot and said, "That's for Patrick." My mom explained that there weren't any pictures of Patrick. And I looked at her like she was missing the point and said, "Make a picture with your mind."

I also, once, was in my room alone, much older, and thinking about Patrick. And I imagined that he was with me, and we were dancing together. Waltzing, I think. He was teaching me to dance. I liked that very much.

I guess another question would be, how would my life have been different if he'd never existed at all... because, oddly, that too would have made a difference in my concept of myself and of others.

I guess I just made a picture with my mind.

3. A strange irreversible affliction overcomes you! Would you rather become color-blind, or tone-deaf? Why?

Color-blind, I think, because I could still see beautiful things, I just wouldn't be positive if they were red or green or whatever. Not that such a thing would be irrelevant, or easy, but I love to sing and I am pleased to have a good voice, and those things would be lost to me if I was tone-deaf.

4. You've finally gotten into Narnia. Who do you want to meet first?

I don't know if I covered this in answering Alex's questions, at all... but I'm going to answer without checking. :) Mr. Tumnus, just because he is the first Narnian we ever meet. Or Aslan, because he's Aslan. Or... but if I keep on I will name them all. (Or Lucy or Edmund now I will stop).

5. As you may have noticed, the cow is now stalking you online! How do you get rid of it?

MOO-BE-GONE! (I've sprayed my blog with a liberal amount. If it doesn't work, I'll have to think of a new strategy.)

I've Decided it's Sort of Boring When I Don't Lie...

Sorry, if you find this to be true...

Appearance

[x ] I am shorter than 5'4.
[x] I think I'm ugly sometimes.
[ ] I have many scars.
[x ] I tan easily.
[] I wish my hair was a different color.
[ ] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[ ] I have a tattoo.
[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance.
[x] I have/I've had braces.
[ ] I wear glasses. -20/20 vision, yay.
[ ] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100 safe, free of cost, and scar-free.- I'm afraid of suddenly losing something that makes me look like me... even if I don't love it all the time, or think I would be more attractive another way.
[x] I've been told I'm attractive by a complete stranger.--And I usually like it, if it's not coarse or startling.
[ ] I have more than 2 piercings.
[ ] I have piercings in places besides my ears.
[x] I have freckles.--Well, one or two. Rarely. But I have had them in my life, anyway.


Family/Home Life

[ ] I've sworn at my parents. --In front of. Mostly mildly, and rarely. Once, when I was a freshman in high school, I said "fuck" in front of my mom... which was odd because I don't even use it much now... but it was sort of embarrassing, because I hadn't meant to.
[ ] I've run away from home.
[ ] I've been kicked out of the house.
[ ] My biological parents are together.
[ ]I have a sibling less than one year old.
[?] I want to have kids someday. -Perhaps? Probably?
[ ] I've had children.
[ ] I've lost a child.


School/Work

[ ] I'm in school.
[x] I have a job.
[x] I've fallen asleep at work/school.--Always disconcerting.
[x] I almost always do my homework.
[ ] I've missed a week or more of school.
[ ] I've been on the Honor Roll/Deans list within the last 2 years.--I guess I was in school two years ago, but we had no Dean's List.
[ ] I failed more than 1 class last year. --Never actually failed a class. Hooray!
[x] I've stolen something from a job --I've used the printer for my personal stuff, and probably taken pens. Oh, and some thumbtacks..
[ ] I've been fired.
[x] I've skipped school. --Assuming we count skipping class?


Embarrassment

[ ] I've slipped out a "lol" in a spoken conversation. --How or why would that happen? You're verbally communicating and suddenly you accidentally say "L-O-L?" It doesn't make any sense to me.
[ ] Disney movies still make me cry. --Nor did they ever, though I do remember getting sort of choked up by The Little Mermaid when I first saw it... I thought having to choose between the prince and her family was very poignant, I guess. Which is interesting because it's not really my favorite Disney movie.
[] I've peed from laughing.
[x] I've snorted while laughing.
[x] I've laughed so hard I've cried.
[ ] I've glued my hand to something
[x] I've laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose. --Which was extremely surprising.
[x]I've had my pants rip in public --Not my pants, actually, and not rip. Which may beg the question of why I checked the box. Well, I was in Spain, Halloween 2002, outside of a little Irish pub in Seville. And (after a very eventful evening, in both good and bad ways), I stood up, and my sarong skirt fell right open. And I screamed. It was not the most pleasant thing that ever happened to me, in fact.

Health

[x] I was born with a disease/impairment. --Ok, again not really... but I was born three months early, and because of that was in the hospital for a stretch of time thereafter.
[x] I've gotten stitches.
[ ] I've broken a bone.
[ ] I've had my tonsils removed.
[x] I've sat in a doctors office with a friend. --Nathaniel, in the hospital, and Maddie, my doctor's office buddy for the summer. Really, the fuck buddy part is a little more fun, but what are friends for?
[x] I've had my wisdom teeth removed. --All four in one go.
[ ] I had a serious surgery. --Why "a" surgery? Is that right?
[x] I've had chicken pox.



Traveling

[x] I've driven over 200 miles in one day. --Probably? As a passenger? I get very confused about mileage, to be honest..
[x] I've been on a plane.
[x ] I've been to Canada. --A mi me encanta la Canada!
[ ] I've been to Mexico. --Whoops, I guess I broke out the Spanish too soon.
[x] I've been to Niagara Falls.--And I've taken a survey very like this before. Sorry.
[ ] I've been to Japan.
[ ] I've Celebrated Mardi Gras in New Orleans.
[x] I've been to Europe.
[x] I've been to Africa....


Experiences

[x] I've gotten lost in my city.
[x] I've seen a shooting star.
[x] I've wished on a shooting star. --Oh... no, I only did the first star I see tonight thing.
[x] I've seen a meteor shower.--And my uncle once gave me a meteor that fell from the sky in front of his truck! If I ever have that happen to me, I'll assume he sent it. :)
[x] I've gone out in public in my pajamas. --Well, at school or downstairs to the laundry..
[ ] I've pushed all the buttons on an elevator
[ ] I've kicked a guy where it hurts. --Not much with the kicking.
[x] I've been to a casino.
[ ] I've been skydiving.
[x] I've gone skinny dipping. --At Bryn Mawr, of course... but also in the ocean.
[x] I've played spin the bottle.--Been involved in, if not directly decided to play.
[ ] I've drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour.
[ ] I've crashed a car.
[x] I've been skiing-- Cross-country only.
[x] I've been in a play. --I hate them, though.
[x] I've met someone in person from the internet.--By accident.
[x] I've caught a snowflake on my tongue.
[x] I've seen the Northern Lights.
[x] I've sat on a roof top at night. --Thomas Roof, Pem East Roof, Rock.
[ ] I've played chicken.
[x] I've played a prank on someone.
[x] I've ridden in a taxi.
[x] I've seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
[x] I've eaten Sushi.
[ ] I've been snowboarding.


Relationships

[x] I miss someone right now. --Probably you. :)
[x] I have a fear of abandonment.
[ ] I've cheated in a relationship.
[ ] I've gotten divorced
[x] I've had feelings for someone who didn't have them back.
[ ] I've told someone I loved them when I didn't.
[x] I've told someone I didn't love them when I did. --I don't know if this is true. Let's say I've not told someone I loved them when I really wanted to, because it felt too strong to say casually.
[x] I've kept something from a past relationship. --I wish I could find the love poem my secret admirer wrote me in 6th grade. I tried to keep it.

Sexuality

[x] I've had a crush on someone of the same sex
[x] I've had a crush on a teacher. --Minor, but yes.
[ ] I've been kissed in the rain.
[x] I've hugged a stranger. --People count as strangers when you're meeting them for the first time, right?
[ ] I have kissed a stranger.


Honesty/Crime

[ ] I've done something I promised someone else I wouldn't --I don't know if I've made a lot of promises to other people about what I wouldn't do...
[x] I've done something I promised myself I wouldn't.
[ ] I've snuck out of my house.
[ ] I have lied to my parents about where I am.
[x] I am keeping a secret from the world -- Sounds way more dramatic than I think it merits. I just mean there are some things I haven't explicitly told anyone... at least I think there are.
[ ] I've cheated while playing a game.
[ ] I've cheated on a test. --There were times when I would look at other people's answers out of sheer itching curiosity and frustration, and then have to decide whether or not I would have been able to figure it out on my own... but I didn't deliberately cheat.
[ ] I've run a red light.
[ ] I've been suspended from school.
[x] I've witnessed a crime. --I feel the survey liar in me coming on.
[ ] I've been in a fist fight.
[ ] I've been arrested.
[ ] I've shoplifted -Sometimes I'm surprisingly kleptomaniacal.


Drugs/Alcohol

[x] I've consumed alcohol.
[ ] I regularly drink.
[ ] I've passed out from drinking.
[ ] I have passed out drunk at least once in the past 6 months.
[ ] I've smoked weed
[ ] I've taken painkillers when I didn't need them. --To what end?
[ ] I've eaten shrooms.
[ ] I've popped E.
[ ] I've inhaled Nitrous. --As part of dental surgery.
[ ] I've done hard drugs.
[x] I have cough drops when I'm not sick. --Um...not to the point of drugging myself, though...this is a weird one.
[ ] I can't swallow pills.
[ ] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem
[ ] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression.
[x] I shut others out when I'm depressed. --Usually not for very long, though.
[ ] I take anti-depressants.
[ ] I'm anorexic or bulimic.
[ ] I've slept an entire day when I didn't need it.
[ ] I've hurt myself on purpose. --Mildly (digging my nails in, etc.), but I have.
[ ] I'm addicted to self harm. --Some of this stuff seems a little creepy to check off and go on.
[ ] I've woken up crying.


Death and Suicide

[x] I'm afraid of dying. --Truly, I thought everyone was. But apparently I was wrong.
[ ] I hate funerals.
[ ] I've seen someone dying.
[ ] I've planned my own suicide.
[ ] I've attempted suicide.
[ ] I've written a eulogy for myself. --No, but I do like to imagine all the things people would say about me at my funeral... I always wonder if anyone would surprise me.

Materialism

[ ] I own over 5 rap CDs. --No, just Father Stan, charasmatic priest rapper extraordinaire (yeah, really) ;) Though I have to admit I have a love-hate relationship with Eminem. In a very casual way, since I own none of his music.
[ ] I own an iPod or MP3 player.
[ ] I have an unhealthy obsession with anime/manga. -- I can get a little preoccupied by my own mild interest/ sometime animosity toward it.
[ ] I own a designer purse, costing over $100 --If I ever pay over $100 for a purse, give me a reality check please.
[x] I own something from Hot Topic. --Sexy red vinyl dress!
[ ] I own something from Pac Sun.
[ ] I collect comic books.
[ ] I own something from The Gap.
[ ] I own something I got on e-bay.
[ ] I own something from Abercrombie.

Political/Social Attitudes

[ ] In general, I don't like people.
[x] I'm a feminist.
[x] I'm outgoing. --Very variable, actually. But I can be.
[x] I listen to political music. --Assuming I'm interpreting this correctly...
[x] I'm Democratic. --Yes, I take a careful poll of my people before proceeding with any action.
[ ] I'm Republican.
[x] I'm liberal.
[x] I'm religious. --In fact, I was told in a poll that I'm a liberal Catholic, so one could say I'm liberally religious, or religiously liberal, were it not for the fact that neither of those words have the same meaning as adverbs. Oh well.
[x] I dress fairly modestly.
[ ] My attitude is, "If you've got it, flaunt it."


Random

[x] I can sing well. --I need a choir, too.
[ ] I've stolen a tray from a fast food restaurant.
[ ] I open up to others easily.--In the right circumstances, I guess.
[x] I watch/read the news. --In the right circumstances, I guess.
[x] I don't kill bugs.
[x] I hate hearing songs that sacrifice meaning for the sake of being able to rhyme. --More generally, inane lyrics. Most of the time.
[ ] I curse regularly.
[x] I sing in the shower. --A veces.
[ ] I am a morning person.
[ ] I paid for my cell phone ring tone.
[x] I'm a snob about grammar.
[ ] I am a sports fanatic.
[ ] I have "x"s in my screen name.
[ ] I love being neat.
[ ] I love Spam
[ ] I've copied more than 30 CD's in a day
[ ] I bake well. --Haven't really baked anything myself from scratch. But I like to think I cook well,
[x] My favorite color is either white, yellow, pink, red or blue --Random selection. In fact, it's red.
[ ] I would wear pajamas to school.
[ ] I like Martha Stewart. --Fairly neutral there.
[ ] I know how to shoot a gun. --Sometimes I have fantasies where I'm being attacked, and I get the gun away from my attacker, and then I have to bluff through the fact that I don't know how to shoot a gun at all.
[ ] I am in love with love. --What does this mean? In any case I'm apparently a bit cynical about love, in the context of me. Perhaps that will change.
[ ] I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS. --To what end?
[x] I laugh at my own jokes.
[ ] I eat fast food weekly.
[ ] I believe in ghosts. --I am neither convinced for nor against.
[ ] I am online 24/7, even as an away message. --I used to be, at school. And in some ways I miss it, but in other ways I'm glad to not be.
[ ] I've not turned anything in and still got an A in a certain class. --Is that possible? How?
[ ] I can't sleep if there is a spider in the room.
[x] I am really ticklish. --Sort of, more than really.
[x] I love white chocolate
[ ] I bite my nails. -Tried once. It was boring.
[ ] I play video games. --Very bad at this. Though I remember it being a source of amusement/bonding with a son of one of my mom's friends who tried to teach me.
[x] I'm good at remembering faces. --Fairly.
[ ] I'm good at remembering names --Less so.
[ ] I'm good at remembering dates.
[ ] I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life. --Not no idea, just not a complete idea.
[x] My answers are totally honest --I think so... sorry if that made it dull. ;)

ALERT! Important Info for my Faithful Readers! ALERT!

There is a COW in my blog. It has left several comments, some more disturbing than others, and even implied that it was responsible for the disappearance of my keys. As I have since found them without complying with the animal's instructions, I am left to deduce that there are also forces working on my side. However, the sudden appearance of the cow is extraordinarily disturbing. I wanted to alert you all to this development, so that as you wander the metaphorical halls of my ramblings, you do NOT stumble onto the cow unawares. If you do, remember to treat it carefully and with respect... do not turn your back! It may be armed. Make every effort not to provoke a confrontation. I will try to post a regular update later, but I felt this information was too important to wait.

And To All a Good Night

Well, I probably won't be online during the next few days, since I'll be computerless in Syracuse... so, for anyone I won't talk to before/during then...

Merry Christmas!

Happy Hanukkah!

I hope it is lovely and snowy (if you so desire) and filled with light. :)

On a Completely Less Philosophical Note...

I do not want to stay until 8 PM to help Rinky the Ice Skating Penguin in case he needs anything while promoting his ice skating rink.

No, no I don't.

And yet I will.

Not a nice surprise!

:(

Syriana, or This is My Brain on Western Guilt and Human Fear, or Even the Hour When Wings are Frozen

Hah, I got my font back! And apologies to anyone who saw my blog yesterday/this morning, when it apparently gotten eaten by Vixen the reindeer. I had to try and delete Vixen three times before I got anywhere with it.

So, last night I went with Nathaniel and Rachel and Patrick and Mary, the latter two of whom I have not seen since summer, to see Syriana. We ended up with a choice between that, Memoirs of a Geisha, and Brokeback Mountain. While I did want to see Syriana, I was a little disappointed to be with a group of people for whom "gay cowboys" was not an immediate trump card in movie selection. I think Charlotte would classify it as one of those "not at Bryn Mawr anymore" moments. However, as I seemed to be the only one whose ears (and libido) were perking up at the concept, Syriana it was.

I'm not sure how to classify my response to this movie. It was... exhausting on many, many levels. I don't know if I've spent a more tense two hours in my life. My whole body was totally wired the entire time, and every scene, almost, I was waiting for someone to blow up or shoot someone else, or whatever. Which is kind of interesting, because that actually did not happen many, many times... it's just that the atmosphere was one of incredible tension almost all the time. More than in a fantastic movie, even, because here there was this incredibly palpable edge of reality to the horror. So it was physically and emotionally frightening, and also required rather intense intellectual attention to figure out what the hell was going on in the plot and with all the different characters. To be honest, I never figured out exactly when this was supposed to be going on. For some reason I had assumed it was in the recentish past (like, somewhere between 1980-2000, probably), and was therefore surprised when they made a brief reference to 9/11. Anyway...

It definitely impacted me, but I can't decide if it's somehow more or less of an impact because I was in such tension and terror throughout. Because of those very factors, I think I remained a little bit separate through most of it, holding myself tightly (so tightly-- my shoulders ached by the end), and therefore holding myself, not going into or merging with the story the way I did with something like Capote. It was so intense. There was just this sense of terror, tension, impending explosions pervading the whole thing. And it made me realize again the incredible importance of understanding history, and how little even the excellent instruction I received in school has given me even a semi-complete perspective on the forces and ideas that do shape the world, every day. I just don't know these things, and everything I learn about them makes me realize how much more I don't know, and on the other side how important it is to know. One thing that totally frightened me... one of the plotlines was about two big oil companies trying to affect a merger, and when they did manage to do that, they became the 25th largest economy in the world, or something like that, bigger than many countries. I know people have said things like this many, many times... but this made it make sense to me, the power of corporations, the way corporations are a potent force in the world. I found it chilling, though I'm not intellectually certain why it should be frightening to me for a corporation to have such power, while the (also intially arbitrary) concept of national sovereignty seems basically good. Or, maybe it does. I assume it does. I assume too much. This movie certainly showed me that. But I am not sure what to do. There was a website at the very end of the credits about changing oil dependency or something... maybe I can find that. I feel rather overwhelmed. Like I am part of a whole system of destructive power that I never understood, because it is not openly taught about. How are we supposed to actually be informed citizens if we are not taught basic things about the way the world is run? I see this insane dependency on oil, and I feel like whoa, we just have to stop using it right away... because it's bullshit, it's such bullshit that any substance, any thing should create such an economy of instability and need and death. But I can't do that, at least not if I wish to continue to participate in society in the ways I am accustomed to doing. What does it mean to be a part of an unjust structure? To me, as a person? How much do I have to question and fight before I can... I don't know, just rest, like I want to, and enjoy my life, enjoy that it is luxurious? Which makes it sound like I'm engaged in some kind of titantic struggle against the powers that be... I'm not! Just thinking about it exhausts me. But the situation is not right. What did they say in the film, we have, I don't know 5% of the population and spend 50% of the world's military budget, along with making 50% of its garbage?

It reminds me of this thought I keep having, with all the things I've been buying lately... like, the other day, I went to get a sandwich at this little deli, and I had to go get cash, because they didn't take a card. So I'm walking down the street with my ATM card, and I started thinking, geez, I have this card that symbolizes all the money I have. So I have this card that symbolizes paper money, that symbolizes gold which may or may not exist, that in turn symbolizes... what? My worth, I think, my worth in society. It's so odd. It's the oddest system. But it's true. I have worth in society because I am not poor. I can go and do the things I want, eat, buy clothes, whatever, because I have money as my passport. It's not true of everything, but in a large sense it is true. And that's... arbitrary and fucked up. It's totally ridiculous and impersonal. I receive personal courtesy, in places I go to, because of an assumption of my impersonal monetary worth, because I look... not rich, but like I have enough to buy what I need. And I do. So they'll be nice to me in big hotels and fancy stores, even if I don't buy anything, because I have that potential. But if I was a street person, I'd probably be back out on my ass. When, in that case, I would really need somewhere to be, if only for a little while. But the thing is... and I want to make this very clear... I love having money, I love that I make enough to buy myself things that I want, get hardcover books without flinching, buy lots of Christmas presents, or drop $50 on dinner and not panic. I want to have more... I want a truly rich and luxurious life. But... at the same time... there is so much injustice, and I am struggling hard to reconcile it all in my own mind, my own life. I do not want to feel that every time I have something lovely, somebody had to work in some degrading and ridiculous manner to make it for me, or that because I am eating a luxurious meal, someone else is starving. Which I think maybe is my fundamental problem with the mental conception of this whole thing: it isn't because of, or not directly because of. But it is while. Not because I am eating the meal, but while I am eating the meal. I think I'm struggling with this especially because of all the Christmas presents I've bought... and loved buying, I've had a wonderful time. This whole thing has produced such a feeling of competence and pride in me... like, look at what I have done for myself, look at what I am able to afford for you, I am doing a good job in the world. But I meant to give money to the Pakistani earthquake victims, I keep trying to budget it in and squeezing it out again, thinking, well, I'll wait until this and that and the other thing are paid for, and then I will write my check. And every time I go to do it, there's some other expense coming up, something I am nervous about not having enough for. So I have this sense, that people are freezing to death because I didn't put myself out to help them. I don't know if this is legitimate, or if it's a disordered way of looking at the situation. I do know that guilt doesn't help me get anything done, but I don't know how to avoid it. At the same time, guilt is a convenient veil between me and the truth, whatever that may be. Because I can stay behind my guilt and, shrouded in the unpleasant fogged feeling, not perceive with any clarity what I wish to do. Perhaps for Christmas I want some clear-seeing. Clear-seeing, and a nice dress.... it's funny, I read an article where George Clooney talks about this dilemma too, talks about the luxurious lifestyle that he loves, and talks about the desire he has to be socially just... maybe that's why his movie made this issue so present to me.

There are other things from the movie I want to talk about... like the horrible, horrible torture I definitely did not watch most of. It was so frightening... so, so frightening. The stuff leading up to it was terrifying. They grabbed George Clooney's character, Bob, and put a black sack over his head, and just that image, of him with the hood over his head was so terrifying, and then there was this shot where we saw everything through the fuzzy black. It was excruciatingly horrifying. I could just imagine it, this sudden feeling of being totally unable to tell what is happening around you, with people who are going to hurt you. And then when the Mussawi (probably not how it's spelled) guy started describing the options of torture I thought I would... I don't know what. It was just viscerally, horribly scary. I mean, having your fingernails pulled off. God. And then I wasn't really looking, just hearing these horrible noises and every now and then glancing up and seeing blood or something... but I heard Mussawi saying he was going to cut off his head, and even though I knew he wouldn't it was like everything just went blank inside me. I don't know how to describe that feeling. I had my hands over my face and it was like something shut off, I was still terrified but in addition there was this blankness. And I was imagining what it would be like, to have my head cut off, but imagining this in a very serious way... like, how would I deal with that, how could I deal with that? It's rather ridiculous, but I had this whole idea... which actually I have had before... that maybe my whole fear of decapitation actually means that somehow I will eventually die that way. I never take it too seriously, this idea, but when I am forced to deal with decapitation in some direct fashion it often comes back to me. So I was thinking, I would have to keep my dignity, but I don't know if I could, in that terrible, terrible moment when you are waiting for the blade to come down. I would want so much to be brave, because my own composure would be the only thing I had left in myself to have sovreignty over, but I don't know if I could be, if I could help begging for my life. I became a bit obsessed with the idea of one of those cyanide tablets that I read about in Gone to Soldiers, because taking my life would also be an act of sovreignty and I could avoid that most horrible moment. And, when this idea happens, I worry about the people I love, that they will find out how I died and it will be terrible, because they will know how much I hated the idea of having my head chopped off. I think that it's even more important that I make sure to stay calm and dignified so that they can have some peace. Wow, I'm realizing how bizarre this whole negative fantasy sounds. I don't know why I get this way about this particular form of execution. And torture in general... I don't know if I could stand it. I have no conception of how I would be in such a situation, none. That disturbs me. It's possible that I would be brave... it's possible that I would try to give up even people I love to make it stop... it's possible that I would die of fear or pass out or leave my body until it was over. Aside from my personal fixation on the head thing... it's all disturbing because I can do everything I want to make myself a strong, good person, and I will still never know how I would be in this circumstance, what it would take to make me betray myself and others. Not that I want to know, or to be put in a position where I have to know... but it bothers me nonetheless.

The last few days of Advent... I've done so little Advent-related this year. I didn't even get out my book. But I have had a certain favorite Advent song in my head, and I feel like it will help me close this entry:

O come, O come Emmanuel,
And ransom captive Israel,
That mourns in lonely exile here,
until the Son of God appear.

Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come thou dayspring from on high,
Who orders all things mightily,
To us the path of Knowledge show,
And teach us in Her ways to go.

Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

What does it mean if Emmanuel comes to us? I think it's interesting that for some reason Jesus is never actually called or named Emmanuel, even though it is stated clearly that he will be called so. Emmanuel... God with us. There was a line in Syriana, something like, "If we're really made in God's image and likeness, God must be fucked up." God with us... God in us? Truly, I don't know. I don't know, and I don't know if I want God to be with/in me. I mean, Jesus, that could change everything. Or it could not, but it could change me, I guess is the point. I don't know if or how this relates to the state of the world, the terrifying and destructive state of the world... I had this whole stark moment where I really felt, during the movie, that we were going to self-destruct, that the Earth would end through human folly and evil. I don't know if somehow, having Emmanuel will change that, or what I want or expect or need. Can real truth be found in a strange system of beliefs? Not just religious beliefs... all beliefs. I don't know... I just don't know. Again, in the movie, there was a subplot about a young man who becomes a suicide bomber. He is a Pakistani living in Iran, and the idea of sacrificing his life for what is great in the next life appeals to him very much. He sort of gets involved in the whole Islamic school/movement that encourages these acts because of his poverty, because they get good food at the school, and he and his father have lost their jobs thanks to the aforementioned merger, and are in danger of losing their immigration permits. His father always talked about the snow-covered mountains in Pakistan, and I found the images of snow really powerful. I really loved the young man's parts of the story... his face was gentle and interesting... and I was so appalled by the scenes leading up to his actual death. Saying goodbye to his father, when his father had no idea of what he was about to do, and especially the image of him on the boat with his partner, getting ready to blow up this big oil tanker... seeing how he went from no, I don't want to do it, to yes, I am going to do it, to this expression of peace and transcendance at the moment of impact. I think... many, many people want something, be it religion, another person, an idea or something to work on, that they can give themselves completely to, essentially making a sacrifice of themselves to this thing. It's a strong urge. It can accomplish good or bad things... but is it ever good for the person? And why do we want to do this?

Clearly that song did not help me end this. I don't know if anything really can end this, so much as pause it so that I can get on with living. But here's another try, in the name of mystery:.

People, look East, the time is near
Of the crowning of the year.
Make your house fair as you are able,
Trim the hearth and set the table,
People, look East, and sing today,
Love, the Guest, is on the way.

Furrows, be glad, though Earth is bare,
One more seed is planted there.
Give up your strength, the seed to nourish,
That in time the flower may flourish,
People, look East, and sing today,
Love, the Rose, is on the way.

Birds, though you long have ceased to build,
Guard the nest that must be filled.
Even the hour when wings are frozen,
God for fledging time has chosen,
People, look East, and sing today,
Love, the Bird, is one the way.

--Eleanor Farjeon