Overwhelming (Also Happy Birthday Dad)

So... there's really a lot to update about, as I feel that this weekend/week has been pretty eventful, but let me start by saying happy birthday to my dad, who is 59 today, who does not read this blog or really use the internet too often, but who is a most beloved father nonetheless.

Now the overwhelming part... I got home last night and there was a message on my machine from a person named Jen saying that I needed to call her about my friend Cristina, and that Cristina had asked her to call me. I assumed that something was wrong, and I figured maybe Cristina had been hurt in some way, and was in the hospital. I was trying to figure out if she was in Philly or at home, and when I could visit her, all of this stuff. So I called this random person, and after some confusion over who I was supposed to be talking to and who I was, the people there figured out that I was the Becky that I am, and that I didn't know anything about what had transpired... which I didn't.

I met with Cristina last week on Tuesday, catching up and finally getting together after several months of living just a few blocks from each other but never seeing each other. We talked about how her brother was going to leave for a semester in Sevilla that Thursday, and she was debating going to see him off Thursday night, or not. I don't know if she went. And just last night, at dinner, I said to Rachel how Cristina's brother must be in Spain now, and how neat that was. But apparently he went to Spain, and then somehow fell out of a window, and died.

I was so completely stunned. I'm still so completely stunned. He was going for his semester abroad and now he's dead... it doesn't make sense. I almost started crying on the phone, even though I never met this boy. His name is Nick. And I feel so, so badly for Cristina and her parents. I just keep thinking about it. And the thing with him going out the window makes me think of what happened to my cousin... and how no matter how hard it is for him to keep recovering, I am grateful he's alive and walking, now.

At the same time, I never knew this person. It's not a personal grief, it's a grief for my friend. And this makes me sort of restless and confused, because I keep going away into normal things and coming back to it again, and I don't quite know how to... fit it, in my emotional landscape, you know? Because it's so horrible that it can't help casting a shadow over everything today, and yet there's nothing I can do, really.

Oh, Cristina, I love you so much. I wish I could do something to make it better...

It's funny how things become instinctive at times of turmoil. I was in the shower shortly after I heard, saying Hail Marys before I really realized that I was, and it's funny because I never liked the rosary much.

I went to bed at the phone rang at 1:30 or something, and I nearly had a heart attack, but it was Lilah. I talked to her for longer than I should have given my morning appointment with work, I guess just because I was relieved no one else was dead or hurting.

And then of course this morning was just hellish and surreal, and it was pouring rain and I was running late so I had to take a taxi, and I forgot the cds I made to mail to my dad for his birthday, and now I'm here not working even though there's lots to do, but everything feels weird.

I guess there's nothing to say, really, but I hate that. I want there to be something to say. Because I want there to be something to do, and there... isn't.

I'm so, so sorry, Cristina!