Five Questions From Maddie

1) Those governmental schmucks! They have decided that all books that should be writtern are written. They only way to write anything new is to rewrite old books with new twist. The characters must stay in character and you can't really change genres. That being said, what classic book would you rewrite?

Do you have any idea how hard this was for me? First, I thought of classic novels that I love too much to fuck around with... for example, what am I going to do? Have Gene and Phinny hooking up in a Separate Peace? Get Hester Prynne and Rev. Dimmesdale back together? Perish the thought! Most masterpieces should be left the hell alone, thank you very much. But then I started thinking about books I didn't like... for example, the Mayor of Casterbridge. I disliked it so much, in fact, that I remember hardly anything about it... except some crap about a birdcage that I think I wrote an essay on. So obviously rewriting works I don't like will only cause frustration and mediocre investment. What is this hapless, governmentally hampered authoress to do? Other than publish original works on the literary black market, which I assume you anticipated. But then, I started thinking outside the box. And I realized I would quite like to rewrite something like Ovid's Metamorphoses, with all those weird and tantalizing tales that could be done really nicely in a modern or at least slightly altered context... and of course I would like to rewrite the Morte D'Arthur, as people do all the time... and now I have realized what my calling must be in this new writerly environment. Clearly, I will rewrite the Bible! It will stay an epic, and I'll even keep each of the books in their genres: poetry, history, epistles, etc. As for the character development, you'll have to trust me on this one. Also, expect lots of exciting and wonderful twists. This should be ready for reading... hmmm... maybe around your 43rd birthday.

2) It was decided, although new books cannot be written, new plays can be, except you can only use character traits from specifically assigned characters. In your case, it's all the characters you have ever played. How would you combine their traits to make a new exciting character? You don't have to use all of them but you need at least 3. Bonus points for more than 3.

First, I am trying to make a list of every character I have ever played, though I'm sure I am missing some.

Bunny (via a puppet, in a fable about the cheese-stealing fox, Kindergarten, primary trait: desired cheese)
Solo Caroler (in A Christmas Carol at Onondaga Central High School, 1st grade, primary trait: liked to sing about Christmas)
Really Rosie (in Really Rosie at Rockwell Elementary School, 2nd grade, primary traits: showy, charasmatic, an excellent story teller)
A Box or Bowl of Oatmeal (in Really Rosie at Rockwell Elementary School, 2nd grade, primary traits: warm and thick)
Dolly (in Onions in the Stew at Onondaga Central High School, 3rd grade, primary traits: fought with her brother, loved her doll, was quite loud. I remember that the first Gulf War started during this play, while we were getting ready in the Home Ec. room. Also how old the high schoolers seemed)
Cinderella (in Cinderella, 4th or 5th grade, primary trait: knew how to waltz)
Bunny (via a mask, in The Magic Flute,sometime in elementary school... this was just for a little scene or rehearsal or something, but it's one of the only times I missed my cue to go on. I was sad. But the mask was beautiful. Primary trait: concern that Papageno see Papagena.)
Leslie something-or-other (in a play written by my acting teacher, Val, sometime in elementary school, primary trait: loved chamomile tea. Also had a "communicating conscience" which spoke to her.)
Danielle the Dandelion Fairy (in a play about Wanderlust Wonderful Forest, also by Val, also sometime in elementary school, primary trait: struggled with an addiction to the soporific juice or dust or something found in the dandelion)
Mary (in a monologue done in the same acting class, sometime in elementary school, primary trait: was irritated by her perpetually following lamb. I had this stuffed lamb that I dressed up in a little sweater and cap and gave it a lunch box and everything... it was kind of fantastic)
Evilena (or something like that... one of three witches in another play about the Wanderlust Wonderful Forest, a musical actually. By Val and this other woman Muriel, who wrote the songs. I found out later that Muriel wrote this "head witch" part for me, and was mad when Val switched it around on her. Primary traits: evil and witchy)
Dentist on Vacation (at Pyramid Lake, a camp families from my church went to, as part of our first skit, which I wrote... sometime in elementary school. Primary trait: obsessed with fixing teeth.)
Jan (in selections from Grease at Onondaga Community College's Broadway in Syracuse class, part of their College for Kids program, sometime in elementary school, primary trait: loved to eat)
Billy (in selections from Anything Goes at Onondaga Community College's Broadway in Syracuse class, part of their College for Kids program, feminized just for me, sometime in elementary school, primary trait: thought that friendship was the perfect blendship)
Princess (in The King and I at Salt City Playhouse, 5th grade, primary traits: sweet, liked to give surprises, fun)
Molly (in Annie at Henniger High School, 6th grade, primary traits: orphaned, small, a bit mischievious, said "Oh my goodness" constantly)
Marcie (in You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown at Onondaga Hill Middle School, 6th grade, primary traits: smart, bookish, loyal, odd, confused about the gender of others)
Red Bus Driver (in The Red Bus at Pyramid Lake, sometime in middle school I think, primary trait: frustrated with her passengers)
Princess (in The King and I at Henniger High School, 7th grade (I think), primary traits: a more generic princess than the last; I don't really recall...)
Sharon (in Let's Rock at Onondaga Hill Middle School, 8th grade, officially the Stupidest Play Ever, primary trait: angry that her boyfriend would not wear socks to the sock-hop.)
Anne Frank (in a monologue, for our Off-Broadway Showcase after the Beginnings Acting Workshop... I still remember the room we waited in to go on. I was so nervous. Primary trait: Hope and faith in human beings despite very bad circumstances.)
Cookie Cusack (in Rumors at Westhill High School, 9th grade, primary trait: Crazy Old Lady, of course. The first of many)
Reporter #3/Adult (in Bye Bye Birdie at Westhill High School, 9th grade, primary traits: nosy, and worried about the state of modern youth).
Random Disciple (in Godspell at Westhill High School, 10th grade, primary trait: sincerity, as I recall Spado saying that he needed someone sincere to do such and such a line, and then he picked me. Doesn't make him any less of a sleazy favoritist, though.)
Coriolanus (for the Shakespeare Competition at Westhill High School, 10th grade, primary trait: pissed off and aristocratic. My first foray into the world of male Shakespearean roles... I mistakenly assumed it would be my one chance to play the boys. And I won 2nd place.)
Belinda Cratchit (in A Christmas Carol at Westhill High School, 11th grade, primary trait: Got picked up and carried offstage by the most desired boy in the school. I didn't especially desire him, but how I loved the idea of making all those girls jealous. Also, speaking of sleazy favoritism...)
The Yellow Brick Road (in The Wiz at Westhill High School, 11th grade, primary trait: Encouraged people in song to ease on down me.)
Richard III (for the Shakespeare Competition at Westhill High School, 11th grade, primary traits: terrified and haunted. And I won 2nd place.)
Bernice Roth (in The Musical Comedy Murders of 1940 at Westhill High School, 12th grade, primary traits: drunk, nervous, inspired... another Crazy Old Lady.)
Mrs. Evangeline Harcourt (in Anything Goes at Westhill High School, 12th grade, primary traits: Social climber, wants MONEY, loves her dog, her jewels, and her daughter... probably in that order, irritating squeaky voice. Crazy Old Lady.)
Cleopatra (for the Shakespeare Competition at Westhill High School, 12th grade, primary traits: loved Antony. I memorized it immediately before doing it... and I did not win at all. Clearly I should stick with the boys. And actually memorize my parts.)
Jack's Mom (in Into the Woods at Bryn Mawr College, freshman year, primary traits: Worried about money, loves her son, practical, brave. Crazy Old Lady... the end of an era.)
The Voice (in Sonnets at Bryn Mawr College, freshman year, primary traits: Sang. And did not get laid.)
Lynnette ( in Anything for You at Bryn Mawr College, sophomore year, primary traits: desperate to have an affair. With her best friend, Gail. Who is secretly in love with her.)
Bill, maybe? (in All in the Timing at Bryn Mawr College, sophomore year, primary trait: his timing was off.)
Feste (in Twelfth Night at Bryn Mawr College, sophomore year, primary traits: clever and cunning and perceptive and funny and liked to sing and destroy plantlife with his friends)
Antipholus of Syracuse (in Comedy of Errors at Bryn Mawr College, junior year, primary traits: confused and generally honorable and desirous to avoid Satan.)
Wife and Cain (in Love's Fire at Bryn Mawr College, senior year, primary traits (of Wife): furious and heartbroken and wanting to undo things, including her blouse... (of Cain): yelling and killing.
Borachio (in Much Ado About Nothing at Bryn Mawr College, senior year, primary traits: crafty and coarse and lusty... but not really a bad guy for all that)
V (in Production Values with Uncut Pages, summer after senior year, primary traits: wonders what the fuck you are doing on her stage!)
Professor Dilexi (in Professor Dilexi Presents Dramatis Personae of the Apocryphal Menagerie, last summer, primary traits: sees the map, the pattern, the choices, incredibly sadistic, lonely and creepy, eschews physical contact)

Phew! I'm sure I missed something, but there they are. Now, to make a new character...

Brenda Susan Carl Richard Rodney Brian Beryl Orville Devon Caroline Britney Louise David Dominick Franchesca Melvin Edgar Daniel Veronica Jackie Bertram Pollyanna Mork Martin Rivka Bobby Delores Petra Sally Algernon Florence Carter Connie Rasputin Albert Rosalie Dirk Calvin Bonnie Cedric Yusef Brigid Reba Ronald Betsy Roman Evelyn Hector Collin Jim Moses Veronica Libby Beatrice Fabian Allison Oscar Severus Walter Cristina Bertha Victor Patsy Digglesworth: A lonely hermaphroditic orphan who becomes addicted to sleeping pills after his/her brother dies tragically (this tragic death occuring after they have fought over a doll, which young Brenda Susan Carl etc. had been examining in order to figure out the mystery of her/his own genitalia. S/he naturally feels confused about the doll, and also the gender of other people in general, but has become convinced that if she can figure out the doll, this confusion will be relieved, and therefore is willing to fight her brother for it. Unfortunately, the brother falls down the stairs while tugging on the doll, and breaks his neck). S/he screams "Undo this!" when she finds that nothing can be done to save him and tears off her shirt. In a mad fit of guilt and confusion, the heartbroken Brenda Susan Carl etc. takes to running around with a bad crowd (when s/he isn't sleeping) and this group of people encourages her/him to destroy plantlife. S/he becomes known as "The Cornfield Monster," but the police are not able to discover his/her identity for some time. During this interval s/he begins to hallucinate as a result of overdoing the sleeping pills, and for awhile is convinced that a lamb is following her everywhere she goes. As yet another side effect of her/his addiction, Brenda Sue Carl etc. begins to crave cheese excessively, eventually yelling at people to give up their cheese. S/he jumps up on the stage at his/her high school and is carried off by the most popular, desired boy in school, making him even more popular and desired. Because s/he has become so loud and ostentatious, s/he is captured by the police. Because they cannot classify his/her gender, they do not know which prison to send him/her to, and therefore opt for house arrest. It is worth noting that her/his growth has been stunted by all the sleeping pills (called "Essence of Dandelion" in genteel circles), and therefore s/he is quite small. In severe withdrawal from Essence of Dandelion, Brenda Sue Carl etc. develops a fixation on chamomile tea, and refuses to drink anything else. During this withdrawal stage, s/he begins to experience visions of her/his brother, which leave her shaken and terrified. In a desperate attempt to connect with somebody, s/he signs up for a prisoner letter exchange program with a woman named Gail, who quickly becomes Brenda Sue Carl etc.'s best and only friend. Brenda Sue Carl etc. is quite sincere with Gail, experiencing a genuine love for another human being for the first time since her brother's death. S/he begins to fantasize about sleeping with Gail, and is overjoyed with Gail confesses her love for Brenda Sue Carl etc. However, when s/he reveals that s/he is a hermphrodite, the letters abruptly stop. While still hoping that Gail will write back, Brenda Sue Carl etc. distracts herself by watching a video version of The Magic Flute, and channels his/her romantic and sexual frustrations into an obsessive, nervous concern over whether Papageno will in fact see Papagena. After some time, Brenda Sue Carl etc. writes another, more plaintive letter to Gail, and Gail replies that she is not comfortable ever communicating with Brenda Sue Carl again. Brenda Sue Carl etc. is completely devastated, and also decides that s/he will never get laid. Around this time, Brenda Sue Carl etc.'s sentence is up, and s/he is released into the world. Overwhelmed, s/he goes to a bar and gets drunk. While under the influence, s/he is inspired to sing, and the other patrons of the bar notice that her/his voice is quite mellifluous, the perfect blend of male and female sound. Thus, Brenda Sue Carl etc. embarks on a singing career. At first, s/he sings mostly Christmas carols and selections from The Magic Flute, but eventually s/he realizes that her/his voice can be used as a tool of seduction, and begins to encourage people to "ease on down his/her road," and see what they find. S/he develops a charasmatic and showy stage persona, telling wonderful stories in song. To Brenda Sue Carl etc.'s delight, s/he realizes there are some circles in which what she considered a sexual deformity is actually an exciting advantage! S/he embarks on a new life full of music and lust, though she is plagued by financial problems, and worries about money a good deal. At last, s/he finds a sugar daddy named Antony, a middle-aged, social-climbing playboy who thinks he has seen all the world has to offer. Antony is enamored of Brenda Sue Carl etc. because in his/her very flesh s/he proves this maxim false. He takes care of Brenda Sue Carl, showering her/him with jewels and gifts in exchange for sexual pleasure and experimentation. At first, Brenda Sue Carl etc. remains very practical in this relationship, liking the money and the relative luxury, and living the life of an aristocrat. S/he buys a little dog and lavishes her/his affections on the animal, carefully avoiding any human entanglements beyond the merely physical. Antony decides to teach him/her to waltz, and when Brenda Sue Carl etc. says s/he doesn't know whether to lead or follow, Antony whispers, "I don't care as long as you are in my arms." It is in that moment that Brenda Sue Carl etc. realizes s/he is in love with Antony, even more deeply than s/he was with Gail, since this of course is a much more real and reciprocal relationship. Brenda Sue Carl etc. begins to blossom in this relationship. She starts to enjoy eating, and finds that she is gaining a bit of weight and growing warm and perceptive and funny and clever and sweet, at least in her private interactions with Antony. Antony and Brenda Sue Carl etc. build a life together full of music and sex and dancing, and their most serious quarrel occurs when the fastidious Antony insists on wearing his shoes to a sock hop they attend together. Other than that, life is finally good for the hapless Brenda Sue Carl etc. S/he is faithful to Antony for almost ten years, and eventually they adopt two children together, a boy, Carl Antony, and a girl, Sue Brenda, and they both love them very much.. One day, Carl Antony brings home a friend, who happens to catch a glimpse of Brenda Sue Carl in the nude. The friend finds her/him creepy, and spreads rumors about her all over the upper class community they live in. Antony is humiliated, and finds the social and business prestige he is accustomed to enjoying trickling away from him. Bravely, Brenda Sue Carl etc. volunteers to come out as a generally honorable hermaphrodite in front of the entire community, and proclaim her deep love and loyalty to Antony and her family, but Antony is horrified and begs her not to do that. Though his embarrassment hurts her, Brenda Sue Carl etc. develops a crafty, cunning plan to discredit the gossipy child. She finds an old contact and procures some Essence of Dandelion, and, when Carl Antony has several friends over for his birthday party, takes the opportunity to plant it rather conspicuously in the boy's belongings. The boy is caught and discredited, but the police investigation leads back to Brenda Sue Carl etc.'s shady past. When interviewed by the police, Antony panics and claims that Brenda Sue Carl etc. seduced him without first revealing that s/he was a hermaphrodite, and has been blackmailing him with this secret for years. When Brenda Sue Carl etc. asks him why he has betrayed her/him in this way, Antony only says, "You have the most horrible timing to be outed as a hermaphrodite, muffin. I'm up for membership in the Amazing Antelope Club this year." While the police do not believe Antony's story, and in fact give Brenda Sue Carl etc. only a minor fine for dealing with the Essence of Dandelion again, Brenda Sue Carl etc. is furious and completely destroyed by this allegation, and turns to witchcraft and black magic to regain some sense of personal power, dabbling in the forces of evil. S/he stays with Antony, but becomes embroiled in a series of increasingly risky and sadistic affairs, toturing his/her lovers physically and emotionally to punish by proxy the man s/he still adores. One night, drunk on evil power and wine and the aftermath of heavily sadistic sex, Brenda Sue Carl etc. accidentally conjures up a demon, who possesses her, and prompts her to kill and eat her little dog. This is the wake up call that Brenda Sue Carl etc. so desperately needs. Traumatized, s/he begins to avoid Satan and, terrified that she will spiral back into sadism, eschews all physical contact for some time. S/he leaves Antony and starts driving a bus for a living, putting up with the annoying customers and eventually moving into a small house and, discovering a long latent skill at academics, trains to become a dentist. For awhile, Brenda Sue Carl etc. channels her/his anxieties, guilt, and memories into a constant obsession with fixing teeth, and this, combined with his/her natural intelligence, enables him/her to graduate quickly, at the head of his/her class. S/he opens a dental practice and begins to work. Though s/he becomes adept at normal, nosy gossip, and wonders with the best of them about "kids today," etc., s/he still never touches anyone unless s/he is fixing their teeth, even in a casual, friendly way. Every day s/he strives to be more generic and forgettable than s/he was the day before. Also, in an effort to pass for female and avoid further humiliation, s/he begins to speak in an irritating, squeaky voice. S/he is extremely reticent with her/his language, and never says anything stronger than "Oh my goodness," because she truly does not wish to attract Satan's attention anymore. This causes people to think that s/he is in fact a Crazy Old Lady, and not a hermaphrodite, but neither of these traits helps to create a comfortable social environment for Brenda Sue Carl etc., and s/he grows slowly more and more depressed. One night, after watching The Magic Flute six times and crying her/himself to sleep, Brenda Sue Carl etc. wakes with a sudden, strong craving for chamomile tea. S/he goes to the kitchen to find some, and is immediately confronted by a vision of her brother! "Brenda Sue Carl etc.," the vision says, "I am your communicating conscience. I have taken the form of your dead brother because you loved him so much, and he would want you to be happy. You are not to blame for the terrible things that have happened in your life. Please touch people again. Please have lots of good, mutually loving sex. You should also join an acting troupe." Puzzled but full of joy at this message, Brenda Sue Carl etc. joins a community theater group, and finds that her/his old love of performing returns almost at once. S/he tentatively begins to make friends, confessing her/his identity almost as a challenge to them, and, after her/his first show, is even inspired to hug some of them. Suddenly, Brenda Sue Carl etc. realizes that friendship really is the perfect blendship, and invests her/himself more fully in these new relationships. Her/his personality is recovered, and s/he gains a reputation for being fun, mischeivious and full of surprises both at work in the dental office and on the stage. One night, during a performace of "The Littlest Christmas Angel," Brenda Sue Carl etc. catches a glimpse of Carl Antony and Sue Brenda in the audience, and for a moment is paralyzed with shock and joy, then tries to perform her/his best for them. After curtain call, s/he hopes that they will come up to speak with her, but instead Antony himself jumps out from a shadowy corner where he has been hiding and leaps onto the stage. "My darling Brenda Sue Carl etc.!" he exclaims. "I have been so wrong! Please, come back to me." Brenda Sue Carl etc. promptly screams, "What the fuck are you doing on my stage?" breaking the last of her mental enslavement to Antony, and eventually s/he is given visitation rights with the children. Finally, in a dream come true, Brenda Sue Carl etc. is cast in The Magic Flute, as Papageno. The identity of Papagena remains mysterious, however, until the final week of rehearsals. The director will only say that a very special singer is preparing the role out of town, and will come and join them at the last minute. When Brenda Sue Carl etc. finally meets Papagena, she is introduced as Gail Williamson, and Brenda Sue Carl etc. nearly faints. It is, in fact, her/his penpal from so long ago! In that moment, the map, the patterns, and the choices that have shaped Brenda Sue Carl etc.'s life come into perfect clarity. Gail explains that she realized her mistake several months after rejecting Brenda Sue Carl etc., and wanted to tell him/her that s/he was not such a bad guy after all, but because of restrictions on giving out the addresses of former prisoners, she had been unable to find him/her for all these years. They end up singing in perfect harmony, both on and off the stage, and Brenda Sue Carl etc. becomes an inspirational speaker, telling groups of students and office workers how her faith in humanity was restored after a life of trial.

There. I better get a hell of a lot of points for that! May I just point out in my favor that I did not write any of the second part until I had made my entire list, with whatever traits came to mind?

3) If you could only say one word during a conversation, what would it be?

Well, if it was a conversation where I wanted to keep things non-commital, it would be "interesting."
If I wanted to make things actually interesting, but didn't mind if it ended abruptly, it would be "no."
But if I really could just pick one without any qualifiers... "Why?"

4) You have been chosen to be on a Billboard but only one of your features will be shown. Luckily you get to pick it. What is it?

What I have learned from considering this question is that many, many perfectly attractive features become somewhat creepy or lifeless when displayed all on their own. Therefore, I think I would have to pick my eyes. Because eyes may be disconcerting all on their own, but at least they are eyes. To clarify, for example: I think my smile is very nice. But when I put it on a billboard all by itself, I think it's a little weird. I keep looking for the eyes, to see how it all fits together. If you can see my eyes, it may be odd because they will seem to be enormous and staring, but you will have a sense of life that is direct and real and certainly more pleasant than an enormous hand or pair of boobs. (To give you a hint about what I consider attractive on myself when taken more in context.) For some reason, though, when I first though about this question I imagined my nose, which is ok but not my favorite feature. I don't really know why. To close, I think my eyes are very expressive and interesting and a lovely dark color, although I confess they are not as fascinating to waitresses as the eyes of some other people I could name...

5) You have to eat one food at least once a day for the rest of your life. Which one will it be?

Ice cream. If I must be more specific, Breyer's mint chocolate chip. But ice cream is the obvious choice. I think only once in my life ever have I felt that I had too much ice cream. I was really full, I guess, and it was a big bowl. Ooh, I want ice cream from Spain right now. Avellana Americana (hazelnut). Wow, I am having a yummy flashback. We used to have ice cream almost every day. I would get it at the Cafe de Indias when I went to use the internet, or we would meet at any one of a number of little ice cream shops. It was so good! I remember when some people set up an "ice cream budget" of how much money they were allowed to spend on ice cream. I didn't bother to do such a thrifty thing. Ice cream is necessary in a foreign, hot land. Also, if one walks for several hours everyday, one does not gain weight, even if one is eating ice cream all the time! I had the most wonderful lifestyle ever in Spain. And I love ice cream a lot. The end.