Thursday, May 18, 2006
Goodbye Todd!
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye! I'll miss you. Damn. I wish you weren't going... but I'm glad you are. I hope you enjoyed me as much as I did you, and did not think I was flaky or bizarre in a bad way. Good luck in Florida!
Happy Birthday Rachel!
:-D
Now you are 24 like me!
So glad you made it to the Earth while I was on it. :) Happy day!
Now you are 24 like me!
So glad you made it to the Earth while I was on it. :) Happy day!
Two Irritations of the Morning and an Emergency
Yes, I'm really trying to get back in the posting groove... and I will take my own survey at some point... but right now I want to share two things that I noticed this morning and mentally responded with frustration and annoyance.
Thing #1: I have come to the conclusion that there is a deadly plague or perhaps a toe-eating monster hiding in the back half of every Septa bus. Yet again this morning, about 500 people were literally squashed against the front door while, exactly at the back door, others held their positions as though defending an international border. What is the problem?? Can't you see that NO ONE ELSE CAN FIT ON THE BUS? You are literally depriving people of transportation because you won't climb two little steps, grab onto a pole, and stand there instead of two feet away. Sometimes you are depriving people of transportation because you would rather stand in a crowd than sit in a perfectly lovely seat in the back half of the bus. It is utterly, completely baffling to me that this seems to be a universal phenomenon. I actually said something today. I was like, "We have to move back more; there are people squashed against the door." And this one woman did.... all the way to the back door! Please, someone, let me in on the secret. What is back there? I've sat there. I've stood there. It seemed just fine to me. There are signs all over the bus with arrows telling people to please move back. The bus driver sometimes says, "Please move back if you can." And yet.... at the back door they stand, indifferent and intractable. I feel that this phenomenon is somehow revelatory of a basic, fundamental flaw in human nature.
Thing #2: Why would you take the time to write a song that is 100%, unadulteratedly about how there is absolutely no point in anything ever and the whole world is worthless and really we all might as well just give up now. I mean, you have to spend time on this. You have to craft it, and listen to it, and practice it, and fix things that don't work, and deal with lyrics AND music, and then you have to record it, assuming you are someone I am listening to on the radio or something, and play it again and again, and presumably you are enjoying this on some level... and what's more, you are working on it, you are creating it and shaping it and all of this stuff... but the whole point is that there is no point. I think what irks me is that you make this astonishing pattern, this music, and I don't think you can do that without caring about it... but you do it to say there is no meaning, let's all just kill ourselves. Which is not to say that I think despair should not be expressed artistically, I just... I'm not quite sure what I'm trying to say. Except there's something about most of these songs that just rings false and irritates me, instead of moving me with the plight of the musician/people in general. How does this fit in with the fact that one of the things I love about writing is that I can take the strange, ugly, painful things in my life and transmute them somehow? Or with the bizarre and disturbing story I just finished writing? I don't know. But it does seem different to me.
Wow, on an unrelated note, we just had a fire alarm, and Maria and I were the only ones who left... it had gone off once before and stopped, and people said it was a false alarm. They were probably laughing at us up here... but I'm always worried that I'll hesitate too long, and then it will be a real emergency.
Which makes me think about how we relate to emergency and normal life. There's obviously a shift, where you go from normality to definite abnormality, a shift in perception as well as action. But there also seems to be this limbo, where something has interrupted normality, but you are not ready to commit to it being an emergency and act accordingly. I guess that wouldn't be limbo, it would be purgatory. Or perhaps a pre-hell, since purgatory leads to something better... anyway. It's not comfortable, this inbetweenness. I think maybe it's less comfortable than either normality or the emergency itself, which are definite states of mind that you know how to navigate. Maybe that's arrogant, since I have not truly experienced a life and death emergency. But I've experienced what I've thought at the time were life and death emergencies. But I know it's the inbetween state that I find truly uncomfortable and scary, because I don't want to go off the deep end and totally overreact, but at the same time I am afraid that I will wait around deciding if it's real danger just long enough to prevent escape.
And how does this relate to the desire we all have for the interruption of normal life? Don't you? Do you ever have disaster fantasies, escape fantasies, what would I do if fantasies? I do. I definitely do. I always escape with my life, at least when I'm awake. Though sometimes I get to a dead end and have to go back and find another way out, and presumably the fantasy me that got stuck for ideas doesn't escape. And I also have had specific death fantasies when the whole kidnapping/decapitation spree in Iraq was at its height (please don't take that flippantly... I don't mean it that way.) Those happened because of my irrational terror of decapitation. Not that it's irrational to fear that, but it's just not a viable threat in my life, and yet it fills me with a much more visceral fear than other forms of death.
Wow, now that I'm thoroughly discomfited... why do we both fear and crave emergenies? Why do we like disaster movies and roller coasters (though, with exceptions, I don't really like either. In fact, disaster movies could go on a "things that annoy me" list)? But I have been struck, in the midst of negative emotions, fear, doubt, anger, sorrow about horrible things happening in the world, about the war, etc.... by a certain hidden seed of excitement. That "something is happening" excitement, that "I have something to fight against, to care about, to absorb my interest" excitement.
What's it all about, Alfie?
Damn, it's 11:20, and I really have not done much work. I should. But please, if you have any ideas or insights on these matters, I would like to hear them.
Thing #1: I have come to the conclusion that there is a deadly plague or perhaps a toe-eating monster hiding in the back half of every Septa bus. Yet again this morning, about 500 people were literally squashed against the front door while, exactly at the back door, others held their positions as though defending an international border. What is the problem?? Can't you see that NO ONE ELSE CAN FIT ON THE BUS? You are literally depriving people of transportation because you won't climb two little steps, grab onto a pole, and stand there instead of two feet away. Sometimes you are depriving people of transportation because you would rather stand in a crowd than sit in a perfectly lovely seat in the back half of the bus. It is utterly, completely baffling to me that this seems to be a universal phenomenon. I actually said something today. I was like, "We have to move back more; there are people squashed against the door." And this one woman did.... all the way to the back door! Please, someone, let me in on the secret. What is back there? I've sat there. I've stood there. It seemed just fine to me. There are signs all over the bus with arrows telling people to please move back. The bus driver sometimes says, "Please move back if you can." And yet.... at the back door they stand, indifferent and intractable. I feel that this phenomenon is somehow revelatory of a basic, fundamental flaw in human nature.
Thing #2: Why would you take the time to write a song that is 100%, unadulteratedly about how there is absolutely no point in anything ever and the whole world is worthless and really we all might as well just give up now. I mean, you have to spend time on this. You have to craft it, and listen to it, and practice it, and fix things that don't work, and deal with lyrics AND music, and then you have to record it, assuming you are someone I am listening to on the radio or something, and play it again and again, and presumably you are enjoying this on some level... and what's more, you are working on it, you are creating it and shaping it and all of this stuff... but the whole point is that there is no point. I think what irks me is that you make this astonishing pattern, this music, and I don't think you can do that without caring about it... but you do it to say there is no meaning, let's all just kill ourselves. Which is not to say that I think despair should not be expressed artistically, I just... I'm not quite sure what I'm trying to say. Except there's something about most of these songs that just rings false and irritates me, instead of moving me with the plight of the musician/people in general. How does this fit in with the fact that one of the things I love about writing is that I can take the strange, ugly, painful things in my life and transmute them somehow? Or with the bizarre and disturbing story I just finished writing? I don't know. But it does seem different to me.
Wow, on an unrelated note, we just had a fire alarm, and Maria and I were the only ones who left... it had gone off once before and stopped, and people said it was a false alarm. They were probably laughing at us up here... but I'm always worried that I'll hesitate too long, and then it will be a real emergency.
Which makes me think about how we relate to emergency and normal life. There's obviously a shift, where you go from normality to definite abnormality, a shift in perception as well as action. But there also seems to be this limbo, where something has interrupted normality, but you are not ready to commit to it being an emergency and act accordingly. I guess that wouldn't be limbo, it would be purgatory. Or perhaps a pre-hell, since purgatory leads to something better... anyway. It's not comfortable, this inbetweenness. I think maybe it's less comfortable than either normality or the emergency itself, which are definite states of mind that you know how to navigate. Maybe that's arrogant, since I have not truly experienced a life and death emergency. But I've experienced what I've thought at the time were life and death emergencies. But I know it's the inbetween state that I find truly uncomfortable and scary, because I don't want to go off the deep end and totally overreact, but at the same time I am afraid that I will wait around deciding if it's real danger just long enough to prevent escape.
And how does this relate to the desire we all have for the interruption of normal life? Don't you? Do you ever have disaster fantasies, escape fantasies, what would I do if fantasies? I do. I definitely do. I always escape with my life, at least when I'm awake. Though sometimes I get to a dead end and have to go back and find another way out, and presumably the fantasy me that got stuck for ideas doesn't escape. And I also have had specific death fantasies when the whole kidnapping/decapitation spree in Iraq was at its height (please don't take that flippantly... I don't mean it that way.) Those happened because of my irrational terror of decapitation. Not that it's irrational to fear that, but it's just not a viable threat in my life, and yet it fills me with a much more visceral fear than other forms of death.
Wow, now that I'm thoroughly discomfited... why do we both fear and crave emergenies? Why do we like disaster movies and roller coasters (though, with exceptions, I don't really like either. In fact, disaster movies could go on a "things that annoy me" list)? But I have been struck, in the midst of negative emotions, fear, doubt, anger, sorrow about horrible things happening in the world, about the war, etc.... by a certain hidden seed of excitement. That "something is happening" excitement, that "I have something to fight against, to care about, to absorb my interest" excitement.
What's it all about, Alfie?
Damn, it's 11:20, and I really have not done much work. I should. But please, if you have any ideas or insights on these matters, I would like to hear them.
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
Time for A Game
So, today I had a conversation with someone I don't know who reads this blog, and it made me think about how many people could actually be reading this... and about blogs I read without revealing myself... etc. So, I decided to play a little game, called "make your own survey." And, if you are reading this, you are ABSOLUTELY obligated to take the survey, or forever eschew my blog. However, you are allowed to lie outrageously if you don't want to reveal something. You may not lie pettily, only outrageously. Those are all the rules.
Also, if we have not specifically spoken, thank you for reading, and welcome to my blog.
1. What is your name?
2. How old are you?
3. Do you know me from Adam?
4. How can you tell the difference between me and Adam?
5. If you could truthfully change your answer to 1, 2, or 3, which would you pick and what would you like to change it to?
6. Name three people that you love, just the first that come to mind:
7. Now three more:
8. Who didn't you list that you should have? Is there anyone you'd like to, but can't? Say something cryptic about them.
9. Name one thing that fascinates you about each of these people.
10. And something that irritates you...
11. Name three people you really dislike:
12. Anybody you'd like to name that you can't mention publicly? Say something cryptic about them.
13. Tell me something you admire about each of the dislike people. Yes, you have to. Why doesn't that override the dislike?
14. What is your favorite color? Do you know why?
15. What is something about yourself that you secretly think is pretty sexy?
16. What is something about yourself that you secretly worry is pretty repulsive?
17. What is something about me that you secretly think is pretty sexy? Or at least attractive? ;)
18. I'm not gonna ask the opposite. Instead, tell me a memory you have involving music.
19. Imagine yourself married. Do you see someone you know as your spouse, or someone imaginary? Do you like this fantasy? Does it discomfort you?
20. Tell me a story about a time when you were truly frightened.
21. What's something you wish you knew how to do, but don't?
22. What are you most likely to be famous for?
23. What do you think influences your daily life the most: your parents' financial situation or their relationship to each other?
24. Do you have a religious or spiritual outlook? Where did you get it? What about it do you think is particularly engaging?
25. Do you like to dance? When did you last dance?
26. Who is the first person you remember being sexually attracted to?
27. Describe the last person that caught your eye in a crowd (in a good way).
28. Describe the last person that caught your eye in a crowd (in a bad way).
29. How do you feel when faced with a homeless person soliciting money? What is your emotional reaction? What thoughts go through your head?
30. Are these questions difficult? What would you like to ask me in retaliation?
31. If you were going to name your child after a literary character, who would it be and why?
32. What's the last book you read? What did you think of it?
33. What is your favorite fruit?
34. Tell me a story about one of your cousins.
35. Who is a person you still wince when you think about? It can be for any reason.
36. Is there anything that is consistently irresistable to you? Can you imagine a situation in which you would not find this attractive?
37. Tell me a secret. It can be a current one, or an old one, but at some point the secretiveness of this should have mattered to you.
38. If you could erase one of your own memories, would you? Why or why not?
39. What about one of somebody else's?
40. Describe a beautiful landscape that you have seen. Or a beautiful sky.
41. Do you like eggs?
42. How many of your answers were true?
Also, if we have not specifically spoken, thank you for reading, and welcome to my blog.
1. What is your name?
2. How old are you?
3. Do you know me from Adam?
4. How can you tell the difference between me and Adam?
5. If you could truthfully change your answer to 1, 2, or 3, which would you pick and what would you like to change it to?
6. Name three people that you love, just the first that come to mind:
7. Now three more:
8. Who didn't you list that you should have? Is there anyone you'd like to, but can't? Say something cryptic about them.
9. Name one thing that fascinates you about each of these people.
10. And something that irritates you...
11. Name three people you really dislike:
12. Anybody you'd like to name that you can't mention publicly? Say something cryptic about them.
13. Tell me something you admire about each of the dislike people. Yes, you have to. Why doesn't that override the dislike?
14. What is your favorite color? Do you know why?
15. What is something about yourself that you secretly think is pretty sexy?
16. What is something about yourself that you secretly worry is pretty repulsive?
17. What is something about me that you secretly think is pretty sexy? Or at least attractive? ;)
18. I'm not gonna ask the opposite. Instead, tell me a memory you have involving music.
19. Imagine yourself married. Do you see someone you know as your spouse, or someone imaginary? Do you like this fantasy? Does it discomfort you?
20. Tell me a story about a time when you were truly frightened.
21. What's something you wish you knew how to do, but don't?
22. What are you most likely to be famous for?
23. What do you think influences your daily life the most: your parents' financial situation or their relationship to each other?
24. Do you have a religious or spiritual outlook? Where did you get it? What about it do you think is particularly engaging?
25. Do you like to dance? When did you last dance?
26. Who is the first person you remember being sexually attracted to?
27. Describe the last person that caught your eye in a crowd (in a good way).
28. Describe the last person that caught your eye in a crowd (in a bad way).
29. How do you feel when faced with a homeless person soliciting money? What is your emotional reaction? What thoughts go through your head?
30. Are these questions difficult? What would you like to ask me in retaliation?
31. If you were going to name your child after a literary character, who would it be and why?
32. What's the last book you read? What did you think of it?
33. What is your favorite fruit?
34. Tell me a story about one of your cousins.
35. Who is a person you still wince when you think about? It can be for any reason.
36. Is there anything that is consistently irresistable to you? Can you imagine a situation in which you would not find this attractive?
37. Tell me a secret. It can be a current one, or an old one, but at some point the secretiveness of this should have mattered to you.
38. If you could erase one of your own memories, would you? Why or why not?
39. What about one of somebody else's?
40. Describe a beautiful landscape that you have seen. Or a beautiful sky.
41. Do you like eggs?
42. How many of your answers were true?
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