Color Me...

Your Life Colors

You scored mainly in the Sky-Fire quadrant. This 'yellow' quadrant highlights the fire sign of your personality and your tendency to blaze across the sky like a comet, taking new ideas and concepts and trying to push them into action. You may well have a vivid imagination and enjoy constantly dreaming up new things to do. Because of your fire sign, you will probably push some of these ideas into action before you and others are ready. You may well be a persuasive person when discussing issues you passionately believe in. In these situations, many people may well be influenced by your apparent confidence.

People who map into this quadrant like to connect the future to the present. Your mind may constantly be exploring possibilities concerning where you are going and what you might do with your life. However, there are times when you could become over-enthusiastic and make decisions before you have fully thought about the ramifications. If anything, your mind might be focused on too many ideas at once. This may result in fewer successes, mainly because of your desire to get into action before you have completely done your homework.

For you there are unlikely to be too many problems. Of all the signs, yours describes someone who can turn a problem into an opportunity. Failure is unlikely to disturb you too much as you have a knack of being able to rebound from adversity.

30 Fictional (or semi-fictional) Folks.

Apparently I've become obsessed. But these are all from stories, books, or other not so flesh and blood sources, so maybe it will be fun to think about?

Name 25 random people you know (NO ORDER!)
what is an inside joke with #7?:	Doublemint gum? Not exactly a joke, but inside.
what about #22?:	I don't really know her all that well.
would you go out with #12?:	HA HA! I wanted to in high school. Lots. Even though it's temporally impossible and he's a murderous sex fiend. Or maybe that was why I wanted to.
whats one word that describes #5:	Amnesiac.
would #4 look good with #25?:	Maybe, but #4 is real uptight and #25 is married, and on second thought... they probably wouldn't look that good together anyway.
would u go out with #19?:	Not really, but we are kindred spirits.
when is #11's birthday?:	I don't know. Perhaps in the spring. Or the fall.
would you make out with #28?:	No, I don't think that would work out well at all.
are #3 and #29 BEST friends?:	Not in the slightest. #3 has enough to deal with without bringing in #29, and it would only confirm #3's conviction that maybe he is going to hell. Guilt by association, #29
have you ever liked #21?:	No, but I wrote about him in a sexually aware manner, lord help me.
have you ever liked #13:	And how! High school again. Again impossible. Again murderous. Again sex fiend. And very beautiful.
have you ever liked #6?:	No, in any case there could be even less result of it if I did than with any of the others... literally any of them... but nonetheless he currently fascinates me.
can you tell #17 anything?:	I think I could. He has a history that enables him to be understanding.
how mucuh do you love #4?:	Not a whole lot... maybe that's why he never got very nuanced when I wrote about him.
how do you know #20?:	John Irving wrote this book...
would you make out with #30?:	It's not on the top of my list, nor do I think his, but neither is it a totally repellent idea.
how'd you meet #18?:	Through Kirstin.
what word comes to your mind when you hear #23's name?:	Bravery! And a tail.
have you ever had a crush on #27?:	No, not really the right age group.
what about #2?:	No, and anyway she's married.
do you think #10 is hot?:	Yes, especially with #11.
whats one word that describes #15?:	Gentle, officially. Also... let's say a bit flighty.
what do you think #9 will be when he/she grows up?:	A priest.
give me one random fact about #16.:	He killed a wolf.
and #8.:	He was in love with a rock star once.
and what about #1?:	He was never in love with a rock star. And doesn't like personal questions.
...and #26?:	He's locked in the basement without Peter Smith-Kingsley.
what song does #14 relate to?:	Hard to say! Maybe "Into the Woods." :) Or "All in All."
what movie could #24 be in?:	Dragonheart. Only not really.
what famous person does/should #7 meet?:	Maybe Tim O'Brien. Or any one of a number of poets.
what do you think of #10?:	I think he's incredibly fun and spontaneous, and must come from the one part of me that doesn't overthink everything.
would you make out with #1?:	I don't think that would accomplish anything, or that he would let me.
what about #17?:	Ok, this is probably totally wrong, but yeah, assuming we were in the same age range and it was an ok situation.
whats an inside joke with #11?:	Sort of the whole car accident when he met #10 thing.
what about #12?:	We don't really have inside jokes... but I did finally get "Turn Around, Bright Eyes" because of him. Also, I used to imagine that he was in my time and I had to explain cars
and #13?:	Despite his attractiveness, I'm not 100% sure he'd like my jokes. Maybe something about his flamboyant and numerous love affairs at the hands of his creator(ess)
have you ever liked #8?:	I like him a lot, but not that way. He has other vows and desires.
what about #20?:	I sort of love him. But that's how it is with him, I think.
would #29 make a good couple with #16?:	Certainly NOT. #16 would probably put him to the sword, or something.
what about #23 and #5?:	No, but it's really funny because #5 had the nickname Mouse (it's not from Tales of the City, btw), and #23, well, is a mouse.
whats a random fact about #6?:	He's been castrated.
what about #21:	He's been scarred. Famously.
and...#18?:	She's been killed. But not in a permanent way.
how'd you meet #28?:	Through Rachel.
have you ever gone out with #9?:	No, he's faithful to his promises.
what about #30?:	No, he's unable and uninterested in the likes of me.
ever had a crush on #5?:	No, in fact she baffles me a little.
or #25?:	Not really, I leave that to #7.
has #4 ever liked you?:	I don't think he would, no, he's still obsessed with #5, at least a little.
what about #19?:	I would be proud if she liked me, at least as a friend. I always imagined we'd be such good friends.
one word about #27.:	Sprightly.
do you knwo anyone who likes #24?:	Maybe Jill Pole?
is #3 your friend? why?:	He might be my friend, but I think at the moment he's awfully preoccupied with his own worries. And dancing takes up a lot of his time.
where do you see #26 in 20 years?:	SUCH a question. I wish I could say, with a good lover. But instead... in prison, dead, or else fabulously weathy and successful.
what about #22?:	I really don't know. Hopefully a little more stable... and not lonely.
would you make out with #2?:	I doubt it highly.
have you ever made out with #14?:	No, certainly not.
what # can you most see youself with?:	Um, for real? Maybe #17 or #24.
What # should #11 go out with next?:	#10. Certainly.
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Five Questions From Alex

Alex, your questions are fascinating, but rather hard! I have done my best:

1. Name one skill or talent you always wish you had developed more fully or pursued. What do you think kept you from following this path?

Well... it's hard to say, really, because there aren't a lot of talents I'm aware of that I haven't pursued at all. I would say singing, since it's been a couple of years since I really sang with any official regularity, though I hope to get back into that again soon. It's funny, because I do notice the lack of singing, but it's something other people point out to me more. Like at Thanksgiving, Skip (my mom's friend's husband) told me he had always imagined me pursuing a musical career, and then my dad asked, "What about your music, your singing?" as we were talking about various developments and pursuits in my life. I think I also wish I had time/space/inclination at the time to have studied more history in college. I still really like history but I feel that my education in it has been completely cut off. I think that in terms of the singing, I was never certain that I loved it enough to pursue it to the exclusion of other activities, and in college it became hard to be as pluralistic as I had been in high school. Now, I am nervous that I will not find a group that I am trained enough for, or that I will have to sight read or do something scary... but mostly I hope that soon I find a good singing group and the time to do it. In terms of history, it was simply a matter of where my coursework led me at the time. One thing I sort of hate about higher education is that you get more and more specialized the higher you go, so in some ways you learn less.


2. [ Alright, this isn't particularly creative, but it's a question I tend to ask people] Would you rather wake up one morning and find yourself deaf or blind? Why?

This is quite difficult, but I think deaf. Simply because I think it would be harder to navigate the world without my vision, and also because I couldn't read without it, and whatever misfortune befell me, I'm sure that reading would help me cope with it. Also, (sorry, this is trite), while God forbid I should ever have to use it exclusively, I have become rather enamored of finger-spelling as of late.

3. You've found yourself suddenly transported to a space ship where you are confronted by a group of aliens who have just decided that Earth must go. You are given the chance to give them, show them, or tell them about 3 things to try to convince them to do otherwise-- what do you choose?

This is the hardest one, and I've saved it for last. So hard, Alex! But a really great question.

1. The most colorful, fragrant, interesting flowers I can find.
2. I would show them a baby, and (assuming this terrible task gives me a certain omniscience) tell them the entire history of the baby's ancestry and all the people who have in some way gone into creating this baby, good and bad and indifferent, and also the complete mystery of the baby's future life.
3. I would tell the story of a war or other horrible event, with all the good and evil wrapped up together like lovers... the terrible acts and the selfless ones... I don't think it would be fair to not be honest, and I would like to think this would in truth be a strong argument to let us continue trying.
4. I know I don't get a fourth, but I really want to sing a song. Maybe I could make one of my stories an opera? Or wrap a lullaby into the baby thing?

Wow, this is making me so nervous. I hope my choices could save the world....

4. You get to spend a week in any fictional place (it can be from any source--tv/movie/books/comics/myths/etc) where do you choose and why? [if you feel so inclined you can get into what you would do there/who you would want to meet and so on)

Considering that I used to stand under lampposts in hope, I would have to pick Narnia. And I suppose I would most want to meet Mr. Tumnus (is that spelled right?) and Reepicheep and Puddleglum. Well... and Aslan, certainly. Wow, as unlikely as this is, I'm getting all excited about it. Oh, the why is basically because it is the first fantasy world I really inhabited in my imagination, and it is so... formative, to me. The experiences I've had of Narnia have colored the way I view a lot of things. Sort of in terms of ideas, but even more in terms of atmosphere... every single time I have gone abroad there has been something that related back to Narnia. When I am in tunnels or caves I chant to myself, "Many sink down to the underworld, but few return to the sunlit lands." I had to try Turkish Delight when I finally found it in a candy store. I named my lizard Eustace Clarence Scrubb. My knowledge of mythical creatures is heavily Narnian. I know why the wardrobe worked. And every time I see a real wardrobe, I remember that it would be very foolish to shut myself inside... but I also have to feel the back to make sure. I learned what single combat and treachery are because of their presence in the books. And whenever I imagine a hell I can imagine (as in, not the vengence of an angry God), it is really the non-vision of a circle of hungry dwarves. This is not really a description of what I would do in Narnia so much as a hymn to my love of the stories... but it's hard to say what I would do. Aside from retrace the steps of my friends... I think I would like to see what Father Christmas would give me, if given the chance. And of course I would want to go to Caer Paravel. But mostly I would want a real adventure... with companions and purpose and danger and everything... whatever the Lion would send me! ;)

5. Is there a piece of art/literature/music that you feel draws a gut level response or reaction from you no matter how many times you see it (or read it, or hear it)? What is it and what is the reaction?

I don't know if this is literally every time, but I definitely cried the first several times I heard Leningrad by Billy Joel. Something about the message of universality made through such specific imagery, and maybe the fact that I could concretely connect the historical events he describes in that song to my parents... but it totally hit me, in this very visceral way. I think because it seemed so sad and real the way that we cut ourselves off from each other according to the political/national "enemies" that we are supposed to have... and actually kill for that... but the differences we die for are not as real as the similarities. I'm not sure that says what I want it to say, but the song is really something. I can think of very few songs that have ever made me cry, even ones I care a lot about, or I think are very beautiful. In fact, that might be the only one that actually did, as opposed to just choking me up or something.

I want to say "Six Apologies, Lord," by Olena Kalytiak Davis because I just worked real hard to find it, but I'm not sure it makes quite such a strong impression on me this time around. It's still a really wonderful and fascinating poem, though, so here you go:


I Have Loved My Horrible Self, Lord.
I Rose, Lord, And I Rose, Lord, And I,
Dropt. Your Requirements, Lord. 'Spite Your Requirements, Lord,
I Have Loved The Low Voltage Of The Moon, Lord,
Until There Was No Moon Intensity Left, Lord, No Moon Intensity Left
For You, Lord. I Have Loved The Frivolous, The Fleeting, The Frightful
Clouds. Lord, I Have Loved Clouds! Do Not Forgive Me, Do Not
Forgive Me LordandLover, HarborandMaster, GuardianandBread, Do Not.
Hold Me, Lord, O, Hold Me

Accountable, Lord. I Am
Accountable. Lord.

Lord It Over Me,
Lord It Over Me, Lord. Feed Me

Hope, Lord. Feed Me
Hope, Lord, Or Break My Teeth.

Break My Teeth, Sir,

In This My Mouth.

Well, after reading it over a few times, it seems to still have a strong pull for me, so good. In that vein, the "Batter my heart, three-personed God," sonnet of John Donne's is always impactful. I think I always love the combination of somewhat helpless faith and defiance and submission... in a way. Reminds me of this homily I just heard where the priest compared everyone to sheep or goats. And I was like, um, I'm definitely a goat, but that doesn't mean I don't believe in God... I really didn't care for him.

Mmm, and jumping back to music, the Moonlight Sonata always takes me on a journey through mystery, darkness, and hope... such beautiful, meaningful sounds.

I'm going on and on here, aren't I? But I'm not ready to stop. Let me add: The Winter Prince by Elizabeth Wein, because it is always incredibly beautiful and captivating to me, and in a way that apparently is particular to me, which I think is interesting.

And finally, for visual art... that one in the Philadelphia art museum with the soldiers all photographed rather grotesquely always shocks/fascinates me. Likewise the one where you have to look through a little peephole in the wooden gate. And that picture of the two girls... I never remember the name or anything, but Rachel will...

Five Questions From Rachel

All right, here are my answers:

1. If you had to choose one food that you like a lot now but would suddenly dislike, what would it be? Why?

I would pick... um... that's hard, I like foods I like! Maybe I would pick peanut butter so I wouldn't have to sneak it around Julia anymore. ;) Or... onions, because a lot of people don't like onions and therefore don't want onions in their food and it would make things easier when cooking in a group? Actually, maybe I would pick meat. Then I wouldn't have to worry about participating in cruelty to animals, and I'd probably eat healthier. But I would have to worry about getting enough protein. Ok, that's about 25 answers, so let's move on.

2. If you had to pick only one author whom you admire to meet in person, who would it be and why? If you had to pick one author whom you admire that you would be forever unable to meet, who would it be and why?

Only one to meet... Maybe Madeleine L'Engle, because, out of living authors, she's probably influenced my thinking the most, and from the earliest age, and I do truly admire her. Only one to forever be unable to meet... I think Armistead Maupin, not because I don't want to meet him, but because if I really did travel on the bus with him from NYC to Philly without seeing him, I sort of think it would be interesting and ironic if I continued to have near-miss encounters all the time. Also it sounds like something he might write about.

3. What is your strongest sense memory other than sight? If you get really into it, pick a different memory for each sense.

Touch: I remember holding your hand, Rachel, that night at the health center, and the way your bones felt against mine.

Smell: I remember fall smells, the leaves, the crispness of the air, the smell of snow coming. (I know, these are current smells, but I do remember them.)

Sound: I remember the thrill of playing the Phantom of the Opera really, really loudly in middle/early high school. How it echoed in my mind and my pubescing body.

Taste: I remember my Uncle Alan suddenly sticking a pickle in my mouth at this restaurant we went to after seeing Antz. I remember the sour suddenness of the pickle and the feel of his big, brown finger against my lips.



4. If you were placed under a spell that caused you to be turned into a marine animal every full moon, what animal would you pick and why?

I think I would be a walrus, because then I would be big and tough and I could survive out of the water and in the cold and stuff. I don't know if that's really a good choice. It just came to me.

5. If you had to have one sexual partner for the rest of your life, and said partner had one fetish, what fetish would you most want them to have? What fetish would you never put up with? Just answer the latter if the former is too personal for a blog.

Ok, let's assume that this fetish is not exclusive; that is, while they really like it, they do not require it to get off. Said assumption made... the safe answer for number one is a foot fetish, because I love to have my feet rubbed and touched and generally paid attention to. What's the dangerous answer? I wouldn't necessarily be against some power play, as long as it wasn't exclusive, out of control, or used out of the bedroom. Ooh, wait, I have another one. Cross dressing. I would totally be into cross-dressing, by either one of us, for fun or profit. Well, maybe not profit, but you know. Number two... well, there are lots, but let's elimiate illegal/immoral (pedophilia, bestiality) and unsanitary (anything scatological). All right, that being said, I WOULD NOT TOLERATE: all that amputation crap, absolutely not, nor that feeding bullshit. There is my very intolerant attitude about that.

Sorry... I got into it and did it again.... all new people!

Probably just as boring for all non-me people.

Name 25 random people you know (NO ORDER!)
what is an inside joke with #7?:	An inside joke ABOUT him is that he is the blah blah blah boy in the class.
what about #22?:	It's not exactly a joke, but we're going to live on an island somewhere and invent our own language.
would you go out with #12?:	If it meant I could see her again, I almost would, though it's never crossed my mind before.
whats one word that describes #5:	Eccentric.
would #4 look good with #25?:	WOW. wow. Actually... I sorta think so. Even if it might be creepy.
would u go out with #19?:	I think that would be awkward.
when is #11's birthday?:	I don't remember. I feel like at one point I should have known, but I don't remember at all now.
would you make out with #28?:	Sure, though probably the days for that are past.
are #3 and #29 BEST friends?:	No! If they ever meet, it will be through the most random permutation of chance and fate that I can possibly fathom.
have you ever liked #21?:	Assuming the "like-like" meaning again... no, I have not.
have you ever liked #13:	No.
have you ever liked #6?:	Not really, though I think everyone else in the world did. And at one point I was flattered by #6's (non-romantic) attention.
can you tell #17 anything?:	You know, I haven't talked to him in a long time, but if we were close... I think he's that kind of person.
how mucuh do you love #4?:	Only in a nostalgic, I knew her once sense... though I think I might still vote for her for president, if the opportunity arose.
how do you know #20?:	From high school.
would you make out with #30?:	Probably. He's pretty sexy.
how'd you meet #18?:	Again, high school.
what word comes to your mind when you hear #23's name?:	Roommate. The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock.
have you ever had a crush on #27?:	Absolutely.
what about #2?:	No, though I guess I had that sort of non-sexual girl crush where you suddenly have this amazing friend and have to be together always.
do you think #10 is hot?:	No, but I think he's adorable.
whats one word that describes #15?:	Brilliant.
what do you think #9 will be when he/she grows up?:	Either an actor, an artist, or an aimless wanderer.
give me one random fact about #16.:	She was the first person I heard say "whoa Nelly," and she said it a lot... but just for one summer.
and #8.:	I used to watch him play soccer, and think, "I love you, play for me."
and what about #1?:	We went over the falls together in a tub... I think she was probably my best and truest elementary school friend, though I don't know if I knew that at the time.
...and #26?:	He's one of the most eminently lovable creatures in the world, and his magnetism never ceases to amaze me... if I do say so myself.
what song does #14 relate to?:	Well, she wrote this wonderful "Trinity" song that I still sing to myself from time to time. We were going to make a band.
what movie could #24 be in?:	WOW. Um... maybe A Beautiful Mind, just for the title. Maybe some very complex and old-fashioned comedy? That's tough.
what famous person does/should #7 meet?:	Golly-gee, I don't know. Me, when I'm famous, for a poetic ending. But only if he stayed cute.
what do you think of #10?:	I think he's one of the sweetest boys I've ever known. I hope he's all right.
would you make out with #1?:	I don't think I can answer that about people I haven't seen in more than ten years!
what about #17?:	Again, not quite the right sort of question... though I can see him being attractive and tender, all grown up. But it gives me a weird feeling, so maybe not.
whats an inside joke with #11?:	The never-ending train... a story we were going to write together.
what about #12?:	She was my best friend for many years... why can't I think of one? Sometimes I called her Lionheart, from Winter of Fire. Does that count?
and #13?:	The purple flowers joke! The monk joke! All the long jokes!
have you ever liked #8?:	Yes, in fact... he was right after #7.
what about #20?:	Sort of. I certainly loved his intelligence, and his quirky talent, though I think he kept some of it hidden.
would #29 make a good couple with #16?:	No. They might get along, but they might not... certainly no coupling.
what about #23 and #5?:	I don't think so, but I was always taken by surprise by who #23 ended up being close to, and #5 likes and knows everyone... so maybe??
whats a random fact about #6?:	I was sort of disappointed that she didn't ask to be my sympathetic junior.
what about #21:	We got our first kisses on the same night... and didn't know it for years.
and...#18?:	She gave me a stuffed dog for graduation from high school, because I loved hers so much on the chorus trip.
how'd you meet #28?:	My friend introduced me, on the internet.
have you ever gone out with #9?:	No, but oh how I would have liked to!
what about #30?:	No, he's rather overcommited at the moment.
ever had a crush on #5?:	Not really, but I can see the attraction.
or #25?:	Sort of. Certainly intellectually.
has #4 ever liked you?:	Good heavens, I doubt it.
what about #19?:	She definitely had a "girl-crush" on me, but I think she's straight.
one word about #27.:	Tenacious.
do you knwo anyone who likes #24?:	Her husband, I hope.
is #3 your friend? why?:	Not anymore. I moved away.
where do you see #26 in 20 years?:	About the same place he is now... at least he hopes so, fervently.
what about #22?:	I see her pursuing any one of a number of dreams... but always staying true to herself.
would you make out with #2?:	No, that's really not a good idea.
have you ever made out with #14?:	No, definitely not.
what # can you most see youself with?:	It was #15 for a long time, though it's been several years.
What # should #11 go out with next?:	I have no idea. #17 for stability, #26 for help, #5 for eccentricity?
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I Liked This... Even Though You Probably Won't Have a Clue Who I'm Talking About.

Maybe that's why I like it.

Name 25 random people you know (NO ORDER!)
what is an inside joke with #7?:	Writing center partners...
what about #22?:	Falling into the obispo!
would you go out with #12?:	No, she has a boyfriend. ;)
whats one word that describes #5:	Bouncy.
would #4 look good with #25?:	As a couple? No. As a mother and daughter type relationship? Maybe.
would u go out with #19?:	No, he has a boyfriend. ;)
when is #11's birthday?:	March. Or April. I think March.
would you make out with #28?:	I went back and added more, because this was driving me nuts. So yes.
are #3 and #29 BEST friends?:	They don't even know each other.
have you ever liked #21?:	In a sexual/romantic way? No, but I love her.
have you ever liked #13:	Once, I had a dream that she and the person she was dating at the time seduced me in a plane. It was weird, but kinda sexy. Other than that, no.
have you ever liked #6?:	In a sense. I certainly love her.
can you tell #17 anything?:	I probably could, but I don't.
how mucuh do you love #4?:	Very much. Probably my closest old friend.
how do you know #20?:	From work.
would you make out with #30?:	No.
how'd you meet #18?:	At school, because she was friends with #5.
what word comes to your mind when you hear #23's name?:	Spain.
have you ever had a crush on #27?:	No.
what about #2?:	Not really... though I used to wonder, kind of. Probably just a normal product of our conversations.
do you think #10 is hot?:	Yes.
whats one word that describes #15?:	Mercurial.
what do you think #9 will be when he/she grows up?:	An archeologist.
give me one random fact about #16.:	He kissed me once, but he might not remember.
and #8.:	She has two tattoos.
and what about #1?:	When I first met her and she was in drag, she reminded me of #15.
...and #26?:	She gave me one of the nicest compliments I have ever, ever received.
what song does #14 relate to?:	Well, because I saw it in something related to her once... "Nothing on Me" by Shawn Colvin.
what movie could #24 be in?:	Something sort of bubbly... like a romantic comedy. I want to say "You've Got Mail," which is completely random, because I've never seen it.
what famous person does/should #7 meet?:	Um... I think she met Neil Gaiman.
what do you think of #10?:	I love the way her mind works in tandem with my own.
would you make out with #1?:	I doubt it, but I also think that if I did, it would be fun and not too awkward after.
what about #17?:	No, certainly not. Another one with a boyfriend, too.
whats an inside joke with #11?:	Oranges!
what about #12?:	Eglamore. However that's spelled.
and #13?:	My daddy.
have you ever liked #8?:	Again, no, but I love her.
what about #20?:	No! Really, no.
would #29 make a good couple with #16?:	Um... it's completely ridiculous because #29 is married... but they are both into medieval stuff... so in a completely hypothetical world... yeah, maybe.
what about #23 and #5?:	I really don't think so. #5 would irritate #23, and #23 would not pay enough attention to #5.
whats a random fact about #6?:	We lost our literary virginity on the same book.
what about #21:	She always has hand sanitizer when you need it.
and...#18?:	Um... I know that #2 gave her a stuffed animal once.
how'd you meet #28?:	Through friends at school, mostly #5, #9, and #13.
have you ever gone out with #9?:	Nope, but we are fuck buddies. ;)
what about #30?:	No.
ever had a crush on #5?:	No.
or #25?:	No! That's not appropriate.
has #4 ever liked you?:	Far as I know, she likes only boys.
what about #19?:	Far as I know, he likes only boys. (This is working out symmetrically, huh?)
one word about #27.:	Manic.
do you knwo anyone who likes #24?:	I hope her husband does.
is #3 your friend? why?:	Yes. Shared sense of humor, brilliance, affection, willingness to carry a joke forever...
where do you see #26 in 20 years?:	Hopefully not with some completely wrong guy... hopefully doing something that will absorb and reflect all of her wonderful energy, talent, and quirky enthusiasm.
what about #22?:	Teaching somewhere with incredible success and brillance, probably with children and an adoring husband.
would you make out with #2?:	I might, but then again, it might be weird.
have you ever made out with #14?:	No, and I don't see that happening.
what # can you most see youself with?:	Honestly? I don't know. #3 is sexy, #2 is perhaps most compatible, #16 is most available and in my normal demographic, #28 is beautiful... but I'm not sure of any of them.
What # should #11 go out with next?:	#10. Certainly.
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What's In a Name?

Name Association Test
Who/ what do you think of when you hear...?
Jon:	Uncle Alan's partner. Stancato.
Nick:	Gambino, from high school, or Carraway (spelling) from The Great Gatsby.
Jack:	Sparrow, Frost, Sprat.
Amanda:	Rogers, from Star Trek, I think.
Emily:	of New Moon.
Sarah:	Plain and Tall.
Megan:	A friendly girl with short hair, brown or red.
Jackson:	Fast, solid, suspicious.
Mike:	Abbreviated angel.
Justin:	Timberlake. Goddammit, that was my first thought! Also, Justin and Benjamin.
Eric:	The Phantom of the Opera.
Samantha:	The American Girl doll.
Dan:	Ultra-Modern Abstractionist from Haverford.
Matt:	Cousin.
Fran:	Drescher. Spelling?
Claire:	Reyner.
Joe:	Joe, Joe, he don't know. Ain't that so, Joe? The Narrator!
Ally:	Decker, but I don't think she spells it that way.
Kim:	Smith? And there was a Kimmy in that play I wrote in middle school.
Vinny:	Vinny Valentino! The pastor's pin-up! Vinny and... Irving! Which sends me back up to Jack!
Jesse:	paint your picture, 'bout how it's gonna be... by now I should know better, your dreams are never free.
James:	Devron. Mackessy (spelling?) A strong, attractive name.
Greg:	There was this odd kid in my religious ed class named Greg... he was one of the problem kids that they kept promoting this one teacher, Mr. Kimball, with our class for.
Chris:	Aunt, Arabek (spelling).
Jay:	Guss.
Nathan:	Someone in the Revolutionary War. Somebody's brother.
Brandon:	Too modern.
Tiffany:	Way too modern.
Ashley:	Stevens? Don't know why.
Kevin:	Bacon, Martin.
Kyle:	Baker! Our mystery disciplinary problem!
Sean:	Madigan. Never really liked him, though he got better as he got older. And his mother, oddly, was a kindred spirit in some ways.
Victoria:	Had issues with all people I've known named Victoria... well, all two.
Jessica:	The most popular name in elementary school! Rolince, Fikes, Lasda...
Andrew:	Andrew and David.
Zach:	From Zachariah, my troubled dancer. Which brings us again back to Chris, for Chrissy, and Jack, for Jack Rose.
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Uncut Pages

Original Robots...































And new additions!

BMVCOE

Cast List

How clinical... Poor Ian.




That's about right.




I could go with it.




How about not?




Ha. Ha. HA.




Um... wow.




Yes, absolutely, Professor Dilexi is my ideal lover.

More Fun Than Becky

Harry Potter and the Midnight Movie

I'm not sure what I want most to talk about from this weekend, but seeing that I haven't posted anything other than quizzes in a couple of days, I feel like a real update is due.

Harry Potter was first, I suppose, on Friday night. (In case you haven't read the book or seen the movie, I will probably give things away, so stop reading now if that applies to you.) Rachel wanted to go to the midnight showing at the IMAX theater at the Franklin Institute, and she talked me into it. Alex had apparently been disappointed in her experience of seeing it earlier, and came to join us. I was ambivalent about the whole IMAX-midnight thing, but when we arrived and they gave us goody bags with our tickets, I was thoroughly charmed. They were little plastic bags with Harry's picture on the outside, and inside were all kinds of fascinating things! Including a wand with a silver-glitter star on top, some really quite excellent stickers of Harry Potter, a weird gel skull thing, a spider ring that fit on my pinky, a lightening bolt temporary tattoo, and... best of all... a sort of star shaped item with many points, that lights up in red and blue when you hit it against a table or something. There were also workers dressed in purple robes with this big machine that occasionally produced huge smoke rings! The whole atmosphere was festive and exciting.

I was a bit less festive-feeling when we got in, though, because my period decided to reassert itself in the absence of a pad, and the wait outside the theater was quite long. And then as the movie began I was seriously concerned that I was going to feel dizzy and sick the whole time, but somehow my brain must have adjusted, because after a few difficult scenes, this passed and i was able to enjoy the film.

And I did enjoy it! I thought it was really, really good, and I was totally caught up in the story. The emotional arc made a lot of sense to me, and was well conveyed. In fact, a lot of it had more impact for me on the screen than it did in the books. I feel like a bad bibliophile for saying it, but it's true. Especially Cedric's death, and his father's reaction to it. In the book, I was sorry that he died, and it had an impact, but I was also... kind of excited that she had taken the story to this level, that the stakes were so high, you know? But in the movie it felt much more raw, seeing Harry's reaction, but especially seeing Cedric's father's reaction, and the way he was just sort of wailing over the body... I could feel that, it was very visceral, and it definitely had an impact.

Also, I had all sorts of reactions to Voldemort that were extremely different than the ones I had in response to the book. I guess in the books, even though I know that Voldemort is the Ultimate Evil Guy, I haven't necessarily felt the extremity of that in any kind of visceral or personal way. I perceive the menace he creates for everybody, but I find him... repugnant, and bad, but not, well... not someone who would be so powerful as to create a stir just by the repetition of his name.

In the movie, I was actually captivated by him. I feel weird saying it, because that's not the "right" reaction at all. But he felt familiar. He felt the way I always expect the "evilest" characters to feel, he had the right mannerisms and behaviors and speech patterns... and I just wanted to watch him. I wanted him to stay on the screen. And I didn't feel frightened, really, I just felt, well... Voldemort is here, and that is him, and it's what I remember. I'm a little scared that I wasn't more scared, actually, even though if I stop to think about it, it's not all that surprising. In any case, kudos and a half to Ralph Fiennes. Absolutely perfect.

Also, every single time Snape was on the screen I just felt this rush of love and approval for everything he did. Alan Rickman is one of the most intensely interesting and attractive men ever, and the character is so marvelous! My hands down favorite type of character... the fucked up, troubled, often petty, but in the end stalwart hero!
And I do believe that is what he is. Snape, I just want to hug you!

Wow, ok, so now we all know I have something of an inner fangirl. Despite my dislike for the term.

I think my one complaint, and I guess it's more about the story than the movie, is that I was slightly unconvinced that they would have such a thing as a Triwizard Tournament if people were known to die in it. I mean, why would they have a contest for 17 year olds, or whatever, where contestants routinely met with fatal situations, just to give them a prize? I think it might have made more sense to not have this "potential for death" thing be a part from the beginning, since the only reason that anybody actually dies is Voldemort's interferance, which is not on the original challenge list.

And... also, I want to say that Neville is really cute. I sort of want him to be the one, even though I doubt that will happen.

And... I guess I will leave it at that for the moment, and post more about the rest of the weekend later. I have a sneaking suspicion that I should do some work today.

They Got it Right!

I didn't think they'd get it right!

You Are Likely an Only Child

At your darkest moments, you feel frustrated. At work and school, you do best when you're organizing. When you love someone, you tend to worry about them. In friendship, you are emotional and sympathetic. Your ideal careers are: radio announcer, finance, teaching, ministry, and management. You will leave your mark on the world with organizational leadership, maybe as the author of self-help books.

The Birth Order Predictor

Orange!

Your Hair Should Be Orange

Expressive, deep, and one of a kind. You pull off "weird" well - hardly anyone notices.

What's Your Funky Inner Hair Color?

Yay Big Willy!

Your Dominant Intelligence is Linguistic Intelligence

You are excellent with words and language. You explain yourself well. An elegant speaker, you can converse well with anyone on the fly. You are also good at remembering information and convicing someone of your point of view. A master of creative phrasing and unique words, you enjoy expanding your vocabulary. You would make a fantastic poet, journalist, writer, teacher, lawyer, politician, or translator.

What Kind of Intelligence Do You Have?

Yes, I Was Exactly This Sultry, Too.

Clearly, everyone was right. The boys were intimidated. Maybe the girls too.

Arty Kid

Whether you were a drama freak or an emo poet, you definitely were expressive and unique. You're probably a little less weird these days - but even more talented!

Who Were You In High School?

Thank You, BlogThing, I Feel Much Better Now...

Now if I can just finish the goddamn applications...

Should I say goddamn when I'm applying to programs in Religion?

You Should Get a PhD in Liberal Arts (like political science, literature, or philosophy)

You're a great thinker and a true philosopher. You'd make a talented professor or writer.

What Advanced Degree Should You Get?

Anyone Want to Play with Me?

Found this in Morgan's blog and it looks fun. I promise to ask exciting questions (at least I hope to) and to answer honestly (or lie in a fun and obvious way, if you prefer) when you ask me questions.


Here are the rules:

1 -- Leave a comment, saying you want to be interviewed.
2 -- I will respond; I'll ask you five questions.
3 -- You'll update your journal with my five questions, and your five answers.
4 -- You'll include this explanation.
5 -- You'll ask other people five questions when they want to be interviewed.

I Like Eggs Better When I'm Not One.

...and I figured I'd just go crazy and publish 4 times in one day. Except now it's several days later, but I think it will still post in the other day. And even if it doesn't, it will still make 4 times today, I think.

When I was very, very small, I had a dream, one of the first dreams I remember. I was standing on a stage, and there were cool lights shining on the stage, but I had no awareness of an audience. Rather there was a sort of echoing emptiness all around. On the stage with me were enormous, pastel colored eggs. I knew that there were other people like me in those eggs, and that it was time for them to hatch and come out, or they would rot inside. I tried to wake them up, and get them to come out, but they wouldn't. I don't know if I was frightened, but I was alone. At the same time, I knew that I had done what I needed to do. That dream has never really left me, and I've found it many times since.

When I first saw the Matrix, in the scene where Neo realizes what is going on and sees all the little pods that everyone is "sleeping" in.

And now this, which I just stumbled upon... if the religious language is kind of a block, try it anyway... it still says what it says:

That scripture where Jesus says, “You should be perfect, even as your Father in Heaven is perfect” kind of makes me squirm a little bit. So we interpret it to mean “mature,” or something doesn't require anything quite as radical as “perfect.”

But Jesus was pretty radical, actually. I think he’s talking about the whole change. C.S. Lewis had a good illustration; he said, “It’s hard for an egg to turn into a bird, but it would be a jolly sight harder for it to learn to fly while it was still an egg!”

And for now, we’re like eggs, and we can go on indefinitely just being an ordinary decent egg. OR, we can turn to Jesus to perfect us and make us into radically different people.

We have to be hatched... or go bad.

Right now I feel confined, and I don't know quite why, or by what. I feel like I panic much more easily than I should, that there's a basic unease moving around inside of me. I don't think I should panic over little things like... well, one day it was just walking home. Or the GRE, or the mice in our house, or grad school... I don't know about being at work, about this job. I seem to be anxious and unproductive here. But then, I feel that way almost everywhere.

Is it time to hatch? Why? Where am I going?

I want to be certain of something, and wrap my hand around it.

Contest Results!

Well, I've clearly become utterly addicted to posting, but I just had a good idea for the contest several entries ago:

Rachel and Katie: since you are the only ones that played, you both win!

But... since neither of you got it 100% correct, you have to share your prize.

So... without talking to the other one, post as a comment or tell me what you want me to write... and I will try my best to come up with something that fits both criteria, without being totally ridiculous!

I think it should be fun.

Yes, I Think This is About Right

You Are a Seeker Soul

You are on a quest for knowledge and life challenges. You love to be curious and ask a ton of questions. Since you know so much, you make for an interesting conversationalist. Mentally alert, you can outwit almost anyone (and have fun doing it!). Very introspective, you can be silently critical of others. And your quiet nature makes it difficult for people to get to know you. You see yourself as a philosopher, and you take everything philosophically. Your main talent is expressing and communicating ideas. Souls you are most compatible with: Hunter Soul and Visionary Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

Help Me Remember This One, or, I Hate Mice and the GRE

This was going to be just a basic rant about how much I hate the mice in our apartment, and the fact that I have to take the English GRE tomorrow. Also, I'm more and more convinced that I need to go to grad school, and I'm more and more terrified and having mental blocks all over the place with the actual process thereof.

1. I never agreed with my mom that mice are scary, but they're starting to really startle and annoy me. Also, I feel like it must be my fault that there are so many of them, and I want to keep things cleaner but I feel overwhelmed.

2. The English GRE sucks hippodick in a variety of nauseating ways.

3. I'm really scared of grad school.

But the thing is, I just found this quote in somebody's profile:

Stress is an ignorant state.
It believes that everything is an emergency.
Nothing is that important.
-Natalie Goldberg, author & writing instructor

I love Natalie Goldberg, and I think this is true. Such a gentle way to put it... stress is an ignorant state. We take it for granted that everyone is going to be stressed, that is natural to be stressed, part of our society or our lives or our "human condition." I want to stop and think about this one.

Stress is an ignorant state.

It believes that everything is an emergency.

Nothing is that important.

Some Lovely Quotes from Mark Twain

So... we're getting this one-man show called Mark Twain Tonight, and Hal Holbrook, the actor, has been doing this show for 50 years! Anyway, in the course of trying to come up with promotions, I found these gems...


Statesmen will invent cheap lies, putting blame upon the nation that is attacked, and every man will be glad of those conscience-soothing falsities, and will diligently study them, and refuse to examine any refutations of them; and thus he will by and by convince himself that the war is just, and will thank God for the better sleep he enjoys after this process of grotesque self-deception.
- "Chronicle of Young Satan"

Everyone is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody.
- Following the Equator

Each man is afraid of his neighbor's disapproval--a thing which, to the general run of the human race, is more dreaded than wolves and death.
- "The United States of Lyncherdom"

We grant God the possession of all the qualities of mind except the one that keeps the others healthy; that watches over their dignity; that focuses their vision true--humor.
- Notebook, 1902

And my favorite:

But who prays for Satan? Who in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most, our one fellow and brother who most needed a friend yet had not a single one, the one sinner among us all who had the highest and clearest right to every Christian's daily and nightly prayers, for the plain and unassailable reason that his was the first and greatest need, he being among sinners the supremest?
- Mark Twain's Autobiography

On Leaving the Nest

Sometimes it catches you off-guard,
on an updraft when your wings are tired,
you remember the feeling of a whole tree to explore.
Hopping from one place to the next felt
like freedom enough.

And it was enough. I was a chestnut
robin with a scarlet front, I was a
red-winged blackbird, they are always
magic. I was a dragon, hot and full of
scales. I was something
else, leaving behind the old skin, the old
memory self.

Weeping and fighting
through the night will express
demons. You can find the
clensing in the cold new light
of dawn, seen with eyes tired and
relieved, in the sudden chirping
surreally floating through the window screen.

There was a hawk we used to see,
circling above the towers and the
wind-snapped flags and the tall
yellow-leaved branches. We did not
know, we did not know, or we pretended
not to know, that we someday would have to be the
hawks, circling solitary on strong broad wings, in the
endless pale blue, looking back down on the towers
and the spirit-laden flags and the tall pencil-thin
branches. Hunting now, for our own meat
with our own claws, and never mind the
stench, the stench was ours.

It is a fearful thing
to hold yourself cheaply,
sitting in a room full of truth, and
yet when she tells me this is what I've done,
I believe her for the fierceness in her tears.
All my perceptions are upside-down, and I do
not know, I do not know, I pretend not to
know, this is because I am now
flying. All the secrets that I tell
or keep cannot change the simple fact
of strong, sore, new, uncertain wings.

I thought the grief was over but perhaps
I am now strong enough to live with it
beside me. What sparrow does not want to
cast itself into the sky, and see that it has always been
an eagle? This one, this one, only you and I
and everyone that breathes. Oh God, how is it
you have made me a pheonix, when all the other girls
are peacocks, pigeons, and nightengales? I want to
be like and with and one of. I want to stay curled
in a little home of sticks and hair and books and
passageways. I want to stop but I am already
in the sky, and I have eaten meat that I
have hunted, from lives which I have gracefully
taken, as I was meant and built
to do.

Thing is, I went to Bryn Mawr
and it hurt me. And it was not
my home. Not
now.

I Know These Are MUCH More Interesting To Me Than To Anyone Else, but You Can Take it Too.

Found this in Nathaniel's Blog.

Two Names You Go By
1. Becky
2. James

Two Parts of Your Heritage
1. Irish Catholic
2. German Lutheran (I feel like my mom would be sad if I didn't also say Italian even though it didn't fit in with the contrast-making!)

Two Things That Scare You
1.Being attacked by people I pass outside at night, mostly men.
2. That I'm going to suddenly go irrevocably and cosmically wrong with my life path, and therefore sacrifice all happiness and acheivement forever.


Two of Your Everyday Essentials

1. A satisfying lunch
2. A little time to read

Two Things You Are Wearing Right Now
1. Cool brown and blue suede boots with manageable heels. (Arguably the most attractive and stylish footwear that I own, being that I own very little.)
2. Brown skirt that is tighter than it used to be, which fact I am not fond of.

Two of Your Favorite Bands or Musical Artists
1. Gogol Bordello! Gypsy punk!
2. William Finn (not really a band or a musical artists, but related to music and a favorite)

Two Things You Want in a Relationship
1. A place for my spirit to be free and my imagination to be fed.
2. Sex-- at the right time and in the right way and when I'm sure it's a good idea... but also with a sort of wanton and consuming passion. Hmm.

Two Truths
1. The world can be incredibly frightening, dangerous, and savage. Which sometimes I believe, and sometimes I don't.
2. To (perhaps quote, perhaps paraphrase) Julian of Norwich: All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well. Which sometimes I believe, and sometimes I don't.

Two of Your Favorite Hobbies
1. Theater of any stripe except certain mainstagey weird stripes that pretend to be stripes but are actually polka dots.
2. Singing-- I miss it.

Two Things You Want Really Badly
1. To be a published writer.
2. To understand my direction in life and be at peace about it.

Two Places You Want to go on Vacation
1. India
2. Canada

Two Things You Want to Do Before You Die
1. Visit every continent at least once (including Antarctica!)
2. Walk in beauty every day. And go into space. Both are difficult, but worthwhile.

Two Ways that you are stereotypically a Chick/Guy
1. Wonderful and circuitous language skills.
2. Confusion about all things mechanical, or which have to be manually assembled.

Two Things You Normally Wouldn't Admit
1. What people think of me matters to me way too much (taken from Nathaniel because he's right)
2. I think about sex, my own sexuality, and tie myself in knots over real or imagined attractions more than I would EVER say. And I get very jealous about such matters.

Two Things You Are Thinking About Now
1. How to promote a Christmas Carol at Thanksgiving.
2. If anyone other than the people I know about actually reads this journal... and whether I want them to.

Two Stores You Shop At
1. A Garland of Letters
2. The Last Word (I'm picking the cool sounding favorites, not the grocery store and stuff)

Two people I would like to see take this quiz
1. Rachel
2. Katie (Because they will read it)

Two people I haven't talked to in a while
1. Cristina (and I really should because I'm head over heels about her being in Philly)
2. Kirstin (and I really should because I'm head over heels about her being in Pennsylvania)

Oh, What a Beautiful Morning...

The universe is trying to make it pax. The series of more or less unforntunate events that was my week has suddenly blossomed into a morning of wonder and intrigue.

Well, it started as a morning of really, really not wanting to get out of bed. And then really, really not wanting to leave the house. So I left late. And I couldn't even seem to move more quickly down the street to make up for it.

But then, as I shuffled on down the road, I saw two dollars lying on the ground, so I picked them up. I walked a few more feet, saw a five dollar bill, and picked it up. I walked a few more feet, and saw the back half of a card, and picked that up. The printed part of the card said: We don't need no stinking candy! Happy halloween. The hand-written part of the card said: What these people need is a good photographer, who can capture the faces w/out the beer bottles! Thanks again for everything. Small contribution towards new raincoat included. And it's signed some illegible name that might be Shirley or Ashley somethingorother. I looked and looked, but I could not find the front half of the card nor the envelope.

About a block down the road, I found a small stiff-paper tag, and picked it up. It said: "It's my birthday. Who's buying?" And it had a big beer mug pictured on the front. So, despite it being a different holiday, I kept it because the alcohol reference related to the card. And I went on my merry way.

Then, as I passed some bit of Penn's campus, I glanced at one of the poles they have there, which are basically these largish things tacked all over with announcements of every kind, and I saw something that looked familiar. I got closer and there it was-- the paper said "In Trousers." IT WAS AN AUDITION ANNOUNCEMENT FOR WILLIAM FINN'S IN TROUSERS!!! If anyone is reading this who does not know what that is, it is the first installment of the Marvin musicals, wonderful musicals by the most witty and wonderful and brilliant composer cum lyricist ever, William Finn. (Ok, I don't know if he's really the most brilliant composer ever-- but I love him the most!) And, because I had picked up that tag, I had something on which to write all the information! It turns out it's being done by this group at Penn, Front Seat Productions, and the auditions are tonight and tomorrow, which means I could totally go tomorrow and do some awesome song and impress them with my love for the show and play Trina and be the happiest person in the world! Except... the website says they are a "student-run theater company." Having had some experience with such companies, it seems to me that they usually only include, well, students. Moreover, students of that particular university. And I am neither. Could I pretend to be a Penn student for two months, among a group of people all of whom are actual Penn students??? I know the answer is probably no.... but I am so tempted. AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH IN TROUSERS WILLIAM FINN MARVIN I LOVE YOU AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The fact remains, that no matter what, I will get to see this show. I am so happy!

And, the one day I didn't get to stop for breakfast since I started that trend on... well, Tuesday... Donna or someone brought in bagels and cream cheese! And there were onion bagels, which I wanted all week, but they don't have onion bagels at Cosi.

I feel loved!

P.S. If you have any ideas about how I can pretend to be a Penn student for two months amongst real Penn students while holding my job and not get caught... please come forward. I will give a prize to whomever gives me a suggestion that works. A really good prize.

P.P.S. I will also give a prize to anyone who can recognize all of the allusions in this entry. There are four. Two are easy, one is so-so, and one is hard. In fact, the hard one is so hard I will give you a hint. It only counts as an allusion if you read a certain book at a time when you were a young child and did not know any British expressions, and therefore irrevocably associate this phrase with the book. Also, they are all toward the beginning of the entry, and all parts of the entry count. To play, leave a comment indicating what the allusions are and to what they allude. If you're right, I will write something for you. Anything you want. A poem... a story... an erotic spanking story (because there's a rumor I'd be good at that)... even a fanfiction! And I will post this piece of work right here on my journal, or, if you prefer, save it for your eyes only. :-D So, assuming that I have readers, PLAY!

Ghosties and Ghoulies and Long-Legged Beasties

And things that go bump in the night.

This post could be so many things. I'm waiting to see what is actually going to come out of me. Because I feel that I could be philosophical, or wildly angry, or just tired. Perhaps I'll have a shot at all of them.

First, I think, the anger. Yesterday anger was definitely my deadly sin of choice. First of all, Septa is certainly aptly named, if by Septa we wish to refer to a sort of sluggish and fetid septic system: it is irritating and it stinks, but you'd sure as hell rather it worked (in its own inimitable way) than not at all. And I DO NOT want to pay the normal amount for my transpass, and then have to pay all kinds of taxi charges and walk my legs off anyway because the train and the LUCY whatever don't actually run at the right times or take me where I want to go. But I don't know if I can keep getting up at 7 AM to get to work by 9. I mean, there were ways in which it was nice today, but I'm really tired now and it's only 10 AM, and because of the show I will have to be here for about 12 more hours. Same for the walk home- generally I like it, but sometimes I like to get home and start dinner BEFORE 8 PM. Septa: YOU DO NOT STAND UP TO THE TIGER. YOU SUCK HIPPODICK. PLEASE WORK AGAIN, OR FOR THE FIRST TIME.

Then, the CREEPY FUCKING NEIGHBORS. The CREEPY FUCKING NEIGHBORS decided to decorate their CREEPY FUCKING HOUSE for Halloween with a carefully detailed assortment of bloodied and mutilated baby dolls, complete with bloody handprints all up the front columns of the house and little nooses in the trees. Fucking gross, tasteless, creepy, and disturbing. I began to cringe from passing the damn place. But, at the same time, it is their house and they can, I suppose, decorate it as they please, whether or not I find it acceptable or pleasant. Granted, I don't actually feel this way... of course, I wanted to take all their baby dolls away and paint flowers and rainbows across their windows (in a vindictive kind of way). But I do understand what is the law of the land, and it makes sense to me. So I, while not accepting their decorations as such, was prepared to live in peace. However, I'm coming home from work... after a LONG day, with irritations that may be described hereafter... and I am hungry, and I've been walking for about an hour and forty-five minutes (see above re. Septa). And I see this crowd of people outside the CREEPY FUCKING HOUSE, having, apparently, a CREEPY FUCKING PARTY. Except at first I just thought it was a party. I even felt more kindly disposed toward them... I thought, hey, they're just having a Halloween party like everybody else, obviously they just got... carried away with the babies, and probably they are normal human beings after all. The I see this man in a creepy staring mask, walking up and down the sidewalk, dragging his shovel behind him so it scrrrrrapes all along the cement, then scrrrraping it back the other way. I don't know what the man is doing. At first I do not suppose it has reference to me. (I'm not sure why I'm switching tenses wildly in this narration, but please forgive as I do not feel like going back and making it all consistent.) Then, as I get closer, he starts following me down the sidewalk. I saw his creepy blank staring leering face entirely too close to mine, and I heard his shovel dragging and scraping along behind me even when I refused to look back, and it made me shudder and put my hand to my face, and I was sooooooooooooooooo angry at him for frightening me. I was a little electric bundle of anger and fear. Right before I went in my own building, I saw this man carrying a garbage bag coming toward me out of the shadows and my whole body tensed. It was a nice old Asian man, smiling at me as he brought out his trash! But my body did not believe.

Then Rachel came home and I gave her a violet plant and a card for our cohabitation anniversary, and we decided to go to the Indian buffet because they would have dinner ready right away and that is what we required at that time. So... back out the door, back down the street, and as we got close to the CREEPY FUCKING HOUSE I began to hear that scrape scrape scraping again and I saw the masked man was still going up and down the sidewalk. He started following close to Rachel and I as we passed, and this time we were hedged in on the other side by a man in a red demonic mask leering up at us too. The blankness of the masks was the most horrible thing about it. The fact that I could not tell where their real faces began, that they could see my whole, real face with my feelings on it and all I could see of them was leering, malevolent rubber. I felt such malice, from them and toward them. I was so hungry! I wanted to scream obscenties at them in a way I have never done. I walked a bit faster, and when I turned my head and saw the red mask right beside my face, tilted in ill-intended curiosity, it was more than I could take. I don't really know how it happened, but I felt something break inside of me and suddenly I was charging down the street away from them, not running but marching as fast as I could, getting away. I walked like this until I was halfway down the next block I was trembling deep inside with anger. Anger was all I could feel, and tension, and nerves, and a terrible boiling rage with only the lid of my skull to keep it inside me. I kept marching all the way to the restaurant. Ocassionally I felt my mouth stretch in a strange nervous/bitter parody of a smile, the social-ness of my self breaking through, the feelings breaking through in a way they knew was appropriate. But mostly... tension, anger, anger, anger, tension, fear, anger, anger, rage. This wholly hot and consuming, absorbing rage, and so much tension that I flinched when a man in a doorway lit up a cigarette, the flame flashing into its small life pulling some string inside of me. I could not calm down. I could not stop feeling it, though somehow I knew that it was my choice to feel it. How both of those things could be true I don't know. When I could finally speak I began to rant about what they had done, this harrassment, how they had no right to follow me and frighten me... and Rachel said, "They're just idiots, it's Halloween." And I heard my voice passionate and trembling, rage and tears bundled and wound up inside it, saying, "I don't care what they are, I don't care what it is." No forethought in that voice, no reason. Only pain and rage, and a sort of vocal ultimatum... I remember the feeling: They are my enemies, don't ever defend them, even with their own stupidity. The sound of my voice was... striking. Different. I stewed inside my anger, on and on, and I began to wish for it to stop. I had been imagining impossible revenges, and had taken great satisfaction in imagining stumbling upon a police car, magically stopped on a curb, waiting, and telling them that there were people harassing passers-by. But at 40th st., in front of the Fresh Grocer, I imagined killing them. It didn't just cross my mind, "I'll kill them," I imagined doing it. I imagined their fear. I imagined their pain. I imagined cutting their throats and I saw the blood. I wanted to kill them for real, and I imagined it all. And as the bloody images passed through my mind, I felt my shoulders begin to relax. I felt the tension seep out of my chest.

I had been thinking just hours before about compassion, and forgiveness, for matters so far beyond being scared and harrassed in the street. And here I was with this violent, explicit, burning anger in the heart of me. And I still feel it, when I think about what happened. In some ways I love my anger, although I refuse it often and I fear it, too. But it makes me feel more powerful, to know that it is there.

I have been thinking so much lately about evil and violence... Capote, Turtles Can Fly, The Autobiography of God... it's like I asked the universe, Evil 101, please. I've been dreaming about powerful male captives that kill and charm and break away. Captives I should perhaps kill but that I never do. My dreams have been very full, very vivid, very frightening. I am always in charge, and I capture these men, and I do not kill them, and they escape again. What is this evil of my soul? What am I to do with it? Has it been there all along?

Evil. The destruction of our spirits, the desecration of our bodies, the blinding of our eyes. Evil... the chimney stacks of Auschwitz. That evil before which our whole society trembles and turns away. That skeleton face with eyes gone that will haunt me forever. Evil, evil, evil... the death of a soul. Evil in the choosing not to see, not to know the evil that is done by other hands. Evil in the silence and evil in too much speaking. Evil in killing, in dogmatism (of any kind), evil in the refusal to listen and understand. Evil in the giving in to manipulators, be they rich or poor. Evil in the rejection of the self. Evil in the mis-seeing of another. Evil in my heart. Evil in the grasping, greedy, frightened parts of the whole. Evil in putting away the things I wish to do in the name of confusion or lethargy. Sometimes I am dogged by evil, followed by it like a man with a shovel, and I can feel it dragging, hear it scraping behind me though I dare not turn around and look.

I am tired. Evil is insidious. And I do not begin to understand it. Is there something in the cross, beyond all voyueristic sadomasochistic ecstasies of pain, that can teach me about evil? Standing at an intersection to itself, wrapping evil in the mantle of holy blessedness? (Or blessedness in a cloak of evil?)

Since it is All Saint's Day, and I have the litany in my head:

Mary Magdaline my name-saint, pray for us,
Peter chosen patron, pray for us,
Sweet beloved John, pray for us,
searching Augustine, pray for us,
Martha, Mary, Miriam, pray for us,
Sarah, Hagar, and Rebekah, pray for us,
Felicity, Perpetua, pray for us,
and all forgotten women, pray for us.

Andrew and Michael, pray for us,
John XXIII, pray for us,
Frank, Patrick, and Jon, pray for us,
Uncle Alan and my brother, pray for us,
Jane Divo, Father Norcott, pray for us,
Judas and Shawna's mother, pray for us.
All who perished under evil hands, pray for us,
all the hands which dispatched them, pray for us,
Pilate, Johnson, Lincoln, Kennedy, pray for us,
Theresa and Julian, pray for us.

C.S. Lewis, Meister Eckhart, pray for us,
Rumi and Mohammed, pray for us,
Hallaj and the Bal Shem Tov, pray for us,
Margery and Margaret, pray for us,
Paul and John the Baptist, pray for us,
Chrysogonus and Blaise, pray for us,
Lucy, Anne and Catherine, pray for us,
Rachel and Elizabeth, pray for us.

All you holy men and women, pray for us.


All the mysteries, and the greatest mystery of all to me is me.

I still feel the surge of fire-anger-heat inside, and the prick of fear.

November has come. I am stepping into it; take my hand.